Student Blog: The Will of Integrity

On the theme of academic integrity this month, I had a taste of my first week of classes and it felt appropriate that I spoke of it in this blog, but this time, it’s more on the integrity aspect of studying.

As prepared as I was for my 2nd year, leaping back into action after three long months of the summer has landed me in a spot where I’ve suddenly forgotten the pace of my rhythm.

Having spoken of the better experiences of in my practice of academic integrity, I would also like to share a more contrasting viewpoint in which I am currently standing in right now. There is a discipline to it and an endurance in studies, regardless of whatever course it is you’re taking, and it’s only human of us when we let our guard down on glum days. It’s the life of a student, or a person even, that we have our better days and worse days. And I’m sure many of us have experienced the pressure of sustenance and having to improve daily. So, here, I bring you my experience of one of those bad days.

Yes, this is only the first week back in classes but I feel like I’ve been swept into a hurricane even though I was sure I was prepared to brave the challenges ahead of me. Nothing about grades have come into the picture yet but the anticipation of my assessments in the coming months have me on the edge of my seat already when I’ve only been taught a pinch of what to expect. I’m only a year away from graduating so, there’s the pressure of doing my best with the rest of what I’ve got. To take in as much as I can, to make the most of my practice and do all that I can to make the most of my two years left in the UK.

Perhaps it is my over-worrying that might lead me to my fall in integrity with the lack of trust I have in myself for being able to keep up or to know that I have done all I can with the time I have left. Ironically, I’m sitting here in my bedroom, listening to ‘So What’ from the musical Cabaret (1966) which talks about settling with what you get which is certainly a lesson I should take instead of worrying my head off over the smallest things.

 I don’t know if this was a question of integrity that was holding me back or the lingering jetlag of the vastly different time zones or something else. Who knows?

But on the bright side, in all of this rambling about the dilemma of a 2nd year student, the worry has been what’s pushing me to do more because I will never get the chance to relieve my university years or relearn all that I have from capable hands. I have always been told to see it in the perspective that my worries mean that I care. It’s enough to quell the anxiety of never doing enough because I know it’s all up to me to fulfil what I need to do.

I often have to remind myself that I will always have people to talk to and that I shouldn’t have to deal with things on my own, but a little alone time always does the trick for me. Funny how playing the opposite in theatre can apply so well to certain things in life whenever I’m unsure of what to do.

It’s all about being forgiving with yourself as well. Never guilting yourself for taking the rest that you need to charge up before bouncing up onto your feet with the energy you need to complete more than you could. There’s so much I still have to learn about integrity and going easy on myself when it comes to all that I’ve spoken about or I would have been consumed all this stress. I will admit, it certainly is a lot easier to deal with it all when I’m home in Malaysia because of the comfort of just being at home with my family. I may have already gone through the ordeal of living on my own in first year but this year, a few newer responsibilities have bedazzled my life. Electric and water bills, having our own house and finding a part time job.

What a journey university has been (and this mad blog entry!). Further into the next few months, you’ll see just all the things I’ll be doing, most of which I have mentioned in previous blogs, but I hope you’ll enjoy the journey with all the ups and downs on the way. It really is not an experience if you haven’t had best of both worlds.

To have everything so perfect, there really isn’t much of an adventure unless you’re navigating your way through a hurricane just as I am. Because at the end, there’s always a newfound clarity from emerging through the trouble and you become somewhat of a different person by the end of it. To summarize all of this, don’t beat yourself up for bad days or feel guilty about the break you took for yourself. It’s only human of us and without the trials of life, I doubt we’d be having much of an adventure to enjoy. All we need to do is persist, and eventually, we’ll get out of that gloom.

(Also, I hope you enjoy the view of Winchester from the highest hill, St Catherine's. Why the hill? Well, it took a lot of integrity to make it through the entire 40 minute walk severely jetlagged, but I made it, and there was that beautiful view)