Student Blog: With the Confidence of Hedda Gabler

Recently in the Directing class I'm in, we've been working with the play Hedda Gabler. We've been using the script as a basis for running auditions and callbacks. Each person in the class was tasked with coming to class with an audition prepared for the character of our choosing, so that we could all experience the process of watching and note taking during auditions. From there, we would choose callback slides and host our own callbacks.

Our professor prompted us to surprise the class and him with our auditions, maybe even surprise ourselves. I knew right away how I could do that. Hedda Gabler is a play about a headstrong, manipulative, confident woman named, well, Hedda Gabler living in upper class Norway around 1890. A woman born ahead of her time who feels tied down by the society she was born into. The other female lead is Thea Elvsted who is a bit more naive, caring, and shy. Her character is literally described as "a woman addicted to her anxieties."

As I wrote in my last blog, I am not one that is often considered a leading lady type. I am more of a Thea than a Hedda. Quiet, small, naive, sometimes even mistaken as meek. Knowing everyone was going to assume I'd audition for Thea, I decided it wanted to audition for Hedda. It would be a real surprise for my classmates, my professor, and if I pulled it off, me as well.

I chose one of Villanelle's monologues from Killing Eve where she is planning to murder her own mother. It was a monologue I'd done before and one that I had been working on off and on just for fun because I really liked it. I did my monologue for the class and felt so good. I felt powerful and strong like people were really listening to me. When I left class, my professor raved over my performance. He said he was proud of me and that I really challenged myself and became Hedda. I just about cried hearing that. I have never really been told that I could play a role as crucial as Hedda.

The next class, we had our callbacks. Almost every person in the class called me back as Hedda and in one instance, I was called back as the villain. Another character type I have been told I am not suited for many times. I wish I could accurately describe how validating it felt to do each of those callbacks. I felt light like I could fly. It didn't feel like real life, and for a second, I thought I was dreaming. The feeling was why I decided to keep doing theatre back in high school, but it was a feeling I hadn't felt for about three years. Playing someone strong and confident made me feel strong and confident. It made me feel like in some ways, people around me thought I was strong.

If there is ever a role you're in even for a brief moment like fake callbacks for a directing class, I implore you to relish in that moment. It is a feeling like no other that you are lucky to have. I don't know how many more times I will be in that state of pure joy to be playing a role, but I am so so thankful I got to feel it at least briefly before I graduate.