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Fav Jewish Joke

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sabrelady
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Fav Jewish Joke#0
Posted: 5/7/04 at 5:38pm
Two ladies Fay & Ruth are having coffee and Talking. Fay says to Ruth: "Ech, don't ask me about my David! Disgusting! Yesterday he brings me a dozen red roses."
Fay say "Vots a modda dot? Very nice he should bring you a dozen red roses!"
Ruth says "You dont know what i gotta do when he brings me roses! Foist i gotta take of all mine clothes,
den a gotta dance around the bed,
den I gotta lie on the bed,den i gotta spred mine legs.."
"Vots a matta? You don got a vase?"


Courtesy of Maureen Lippman
Words that confuse censors:Fecund,penal,taint, titmouse, cockatoo,coccyx, ballcock, cockeye, prickly,kumquat, titter,cunning linguist, insertion, gobble, guzzle, swallow, manhole, rimshot,ramrod,come, fallacious, lugubrious,rectify,Uranus, angina, paradiddle,spotted dick,dictum, frock,cunctation, engorge,turgid,stiff, bush, uvula, crapulence, masticate, Dick Butkus, gherkin and of course the always bewildering lickety split. As you can see, context is every thing. Chuck Lorre Addendum: 555 382 5968 "Sexarama, Hexarama, Queeriosis, Feariosis!" Alec Baldwin Im going to have to science the shit outta this. The Martian
Updated On: 5/7/04 at 05:38 PM
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Jane2
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#1
Posted: 5/7/04 at 6:16pm
Three men are all complaining-one Italian, one German, and one Jew. "Boy am I thirsty" said the Italian guy. "I must have a nice wine cooler". "Yeah, boy am I thirsty" said the German guy. "I must have a beer". "Boy am I thirsty" said the Jewish guy. "I must have diabetes."
<-----I'M TOTES ROLLING MY EYES
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Corine2
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#2
Posted: 5/7/04 at 6:23pm
Oy vey
re: Fav Jewish Joke
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Mr Roxy
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#3
Posted: 5/7/04 at 6:32pm
Why do Jewish men make good football players ?

They want to get the quarter back
Poster Emeritus
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sabrelady
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#4
Posted: 5/7/04 at 6:54pm
What is the difference between a vulture & a Jewish mother?
A vulture waits till you are dead to eat your heart out.
Words that confuse censors:Fecund,penal,taint, titmouse, cockatoo,coccyx, ballcock, cockeye, prickly,kumquat, titter,cunning linguist, insertion, gobble, guzzle, swallow, manhole, rimshot,ramrod,come, fallacious, lugubrious,rectify,Uranus, angina, paradiddle,spotted dick,dictum, frock,cunctation, engorge,turgid,stiff, bush, uvula, crapulence, masticate, Dick Butkus, gherkin and of course the always bewildering lickety split. As you can see, context is every thing. Chuck Lorre Addendum: 555 382 5968 "Sexarama, Hexarama, Queeriosis, Feariosis!" Alec Baldwin Im going to have to science the shit outta this. The Martian
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Mister Matt
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#5
Posted: 5/7/04 at 7:25pm
Bette Midler tells the same joke on Mud Will Be Flung Tonight. Always makes me laugh.
"What can you expect from a bunch of seitan worshippers?" - Reginald Tresilian
Jon
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#6
Posted: 5/8/04 at 9:36am
A little boy is visiting his gramnda in Miami. She takes him to the beach and he goes swimming. When she is distracted, a current carries him out, and it seems he's going to drown. The old lady cries out to the heavens, "Please God, save my grandson. Haven't I been a good Jew? Haven't I gone to temple every Saturday? Haven't I donated money to Israel? Please, please, save my grandson!"

Miraculously, the currents suddenly change, and the boy floats to shore, in perfect health. The grandma hugs the child, looks him up and dpown, then addresses God again: "Ummm, he HAD a hat!"
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sabrelady
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#7
Posted: 5/8/04 at 10:16am
My last one:

Cardiac surgeon's dad is about to have a heart bypass and because his son is the best surgeon he will do the surgery. As they are wheeling Dad into the OR he motions his son over & whispers in his ear "Son. I just want you to know that if anything happens to me...
Your mother is coming to live with you."
Words that confuse censors:Fecund,penal,taint, titmouse, cockatoo,coccyx, ballcock, cockeye, prickly,kumquat, titter,cunning linguist, insertion, gobble, guzzle, swallow, manhole, rimshot,ramrod,come, fallacious, lugubrious,rectify,Uranus, angina, paradiddle,spotted dick,dictum, frock,cunctation, engorge,turgid,stiff, bush, uvula, crapulence, masticate, Dick Butkus, gherkin and of course the always bewildering lickety split. As you can see, context is every thing. Chuck Lorre Addendum: 555 382 5968 "Sexarama, Hexarama, Queeriosis, Feariosis!" Alec Baldwin Im going to have to science the shit outta this. The Martian
Updated On: 5/9/04 at 10:16 AM
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#8
Posted: 5/9/04 at 10:25am
Sharon:

They have to re-release those old Belle Barth recordings!!!!!

Miriam
Every movement has a meaning--but what the hell does it mean!
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#9
Posted: 5/9/04 at 4:50pm
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting in the bar, nursing their drinks. All of a sudden, the Jewish man spins on his stool and punches the Chinese man. "Hey! What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor!" "That wasn't me, that was the Japanese." "Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me."

A while passes and out of nowhere the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Hey! What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic." "That wasn't me, that was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same to me."
Mattio98
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#10
Posted: 5/9/04 at 5:37pm
A Jewish mother gets a phone call from her son...

Son: Mom! I'm engaged!

Mother: That's wonderful! Who are you engaged to?

Son: A beautiful Native American woman. Her name is Soaring Eagle. My name is Running Bull. You're going to have to pick a Native American name too.

Mother: I already have.

Son: Really? What is it?

Mother: Sitting Shiva.
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#11
Posted: 5/10/04 at 10:03am
Three Jewish ladies are sitting on a bench in the park, and the subject of their children finally comes up - so naturally they each begin to brag:
The first lady says "MY son is a Doctor in Palm Beach and he owns his own Hospital!"
"WELL", says the second, "MY son is a lawyer in Boca Raton and HE owns his own Shopping Center!!"
They fall quiet for a moment and the first two turn to the third and begin to raise their eyebrows and lean in to her - "So" says the first, "You don't talk about your son, what does HE do?"
"Ahhh", says the third, "I don't like to brag about my son, and he doesn't do much...he's a hairdresser on Miami Beach, a Homseschul" - shocked look on the other two faces...long pause..."But he DOES have two boyfriends, one is a Lawyer, owns his own shopping center, and the other is a Doctor - owns his own Hospital!"
"I don't really get the ending,all i can go with is when after several months,Judith saw Pat sang,and later she kissed him on the toilet,after that the story back to where Pat went down from the stage after he'd sung,and he went to the italian lady.I just don't get it,what Judith exatcly meant when he kissed Pat that she had seen,and did Pat end up together with The Italian Lady?Please help me,thank u very much!" Quote from someone on IMDB in reference to a movie he/she didn't understand. Such grammar!
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re: Fav Jewish Joke#12
Posted: 5/13/04 at 9:22pm
Not quite a joke but there are two Jewish related sites that are just a hoot!!!
Heard of the clothing brand "Juicy"? Try http://www.jewcy.comhttp://www.jewcy.com>http://www.jewcy.com and for Jewish Superheroes (like "Menorah Man")try http://www.jewishsuperhero.com/jhc.htmhttp://www.jewishsuperhero.com/jhc.htm>http://www.jewishsuperhero.com/jhc.htm

There funny if you're not Jewish, but HYSTERICAL if you are!!!
Rosencrantz: "Be happy - if you're not even HAPPY what's so good about surviving? We'll be all right. I suppose we just go on." - from Tom Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Updated On: 5/13/04 at 09:22 PM
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re: fav jewish joke#13
Posted: 5/13/04 at 10:51pm
two old jewish men living out in a shtetl in czarist russia are taking a break from their labor. one pulls out the hate rag of the anti-semites, you know, the jews are doing this, the jews are doing that.

the other man looks at him with a mix of digust and disbelief and says, "how can you read that?"

to which the first man responds with a wry smile, "i like to see how powerful i am."
r.i.p. marco, my guardian angel.

...global warming can manifest itself as heat, cool, precipitation, storms, drought, wind, or any other phenomenon, much like a shapeshifter. -- jim geraghty

pray to st. jude

i'm a sonic reducer

he was the gimmicky sort

fenchurch=mejusthavingfun=magwildwood=mmousefan=bkcollector=bradmajors=somethingtotalkabout: the fenchurch mpd collective
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re: fav jewish joke#14
Posted: 5/14/04 at 2:15am
nice - i like that one! In a way it makes me laugh, in a way, it makes me think!
Deet: Shira, I Love You!
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re: fav jewish joke#15
Posted: 5/14/04 at 3:34am
O.K. think of this....

After reading the "vase" joke @ the start of the thread,
you will never see the word
"rosebush"
without an entirely inappropriate image coming to mind!

Beware garden centres!
Words that confuse censors:Fecund,penal,taint, titmouse, cockatoo,coccyx, ballcock, cockeye, prickly,kumquat, titter,cunning linguist, insertion, gobble, guzzle, swallow, manhole, rimshot,ramrod,come, fallacious, lugubrious,rectify,Uranus, angina, paradiddle,spotted dick,dictum, frock,cunctation, engorge,turgid,stiff, bush, uvula, crapulence, masticate, Dick Butkus, gherkin and of course the always bewildering lickety split. As you can see, context is every thing. Chuck Lorre Addendum: 555 382 5968 "Sexarama, Hexarama, Queeriosis, Feariosis!" Alec Baldwin Im going to have to science the shit outta this. The Martian
Updated On: 5/14/04 at 03:34 AM
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re: fav jewish joke#16
Posted: 5/14/04 at 6:14pm
my friend max tol dme this in amth class 2day and im not sure i f i can remmeber it well:
how many jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
and he doeshis accent: o no its ok we just ist here in the dark
:) cco
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re: fav jewish joke#17
Posted: 5/14/04 at 6:16pm
ok i forgot-my friend mAx(same one) is most creative see this google spoof (relating to jews )

http://www.maxnuss.com/nightime/i5p3.phphttp://www.maxnuss.com/nightime/i5p3.php>http://www.maxnuss.com/nightime/i5p3.php
:) cco
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re: fav jewish joke#18
Posted: 5/15/04 at 12:34am
Here's a Jewish joke for you - My love life!

Ba Dum Bump
"Noah, someday we'll talk again. But there's things we'll never say. That sorrow deep inside you. It inside me, too. And it never go away. You be okay. You'll learn how to lose things..."
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MyNameInLights
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re: fav jewish joke#19
Posted: 5/15/04 at 12:42am
That was the funniest one Matt!
"The stage is where I live and come alive and act out all the things that go on in my life. It's not just what I do for a living, it's my shrink and my love affair. No one in my life has ever or ever will kiss me on the mouth like this lover called my relationship with my performance."
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re: fav jewish joke#20
Posted: 5/15/04 at 12:43am
And at the moment, also the saddest. lol
"Noah, someday we'll talk again. But there's things we'll never say. That sorrow deep inside you. It inside me, too. And it never go away. You be okay. You'll learn how to lose things..."
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MyNameInLights
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re: fav jewish joke#21
Posted: 5/15/04 at 12:59am
At least it's true for two doll. :)
"The stage is where I live and come alive and act out all the things that go on in my life. It's not just what I do for a living, it's my shrink and my love affair. No one in my life has ever or ever will kiss me on the mouth like this lover called my relationship with my performance."