Borderline Personality Disorder

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 8/22/19 at 10:01am

Hi all. This is a bit random and Im not sure it belongs here or not, so I apologize in advance if this isn't proper. I suffer from BPD. Probably have most of my life (22) but have recently realized that keeping a job is just not something I can do. Im not sure why really. I go through therapy every week, work on meditations, take a few different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds but they just aren't working, and I feel like self sabotage is just taking over. I almost look for a way out at every job I have while simultaneously working my ass off and trying to learn the new job/system but just cannot do it.

Is there anyone else on here who has BPD? I could really use some sort of advice right now, its a very difficult disease to live with daily and I seem to be at some sort of dead end. Don't really have many options to go to for advice on this in my life, and I know there are some great posters here who would provide a thoughtful response, which I thank in advance. 

[CarlosAlberto]

Posted: 8/22/19 at 10:16am

Mike Barrett said: "Hi all. This is a bit random and Im not sure it belongs here or not, so I apologize in advance if this isn't proper. I suffer from BPD. Probably have most of my life (22) but have recently realized that keeping a job is just not something I can do. Im not sure why really. I go through therapy every week, work on meditations, take a few different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds but they just aren't working, and I feel like self sabotage is just taking over. I almost look for a way out at every job I have while simultaneously working my ass off and trying to learn the new job/system but just cannot do it.

Is there anyone else on here who has BPD? I could really use some sort of advice right now, its a very difficult disease to live with daily and I seem to be at some sort of dead end. Don't really have many options to go to for advice on this in my life, and I know there are some great posters here who would provide a thoughtful response, which I thank in advance."

I myself do not suffer from Bipolar Personality Disorder but if you need help the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) provides a wealth of resources and may have what you are looking for. 

NAMI

BPD Recovery Resources

I do hope you find the help you are seeking. Be well. 

Updated On: 8/22/19 at 10:16 AM

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 8/22/19 at 10:40am

CarlosAlberto said: "Mike Barrett said: "Hi all. This is a bit random and Im not sure it belongs here or not, so I apologize in advance if this isn't proper. I suffer from BPD. Probably have most of my life (22) but have recently realized that keeping a job is just not something I can do. Im not sure why really. I go through therapy every week, work on meditations, take a few different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds but they just aren't working, and I feel like self sabotage is just taking over. I almost look for a way out at every job I have while simultaneously working my ass off and trying to learn the new job/system but just cannot do it.

Is there anyone else on here who has BPD? I could really use some sort of advice right now, its a very difficult disease to live with daily and I seem to be at some sort of dead end. Don't really have many options to go to for advice on this in my life, and I know there are some great posters here who would provide a thoughtful response, which I thank in advance."

I myself do not suffer from Bipolar Personality Disorder but if you need help the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) provides a wealth of resources and may have what you are looking for.

NAMI

BPD Recovery Resources

I do hope you find the help you are seeking. Be well."

Much appreciated, I will take a look! Wish you the best as well. 

[ahhrealmonsters]

Posted: 8/22/19 at 3:51pm

Hi Mike - I do not have BPD, but I do a lot of mental health advocacy work. Are you doing DBT (dialectical behavior therapy)? That's the most common type of therapy for BPD. There are other types that work for other people, like psychodynamic. Unfortunately there's no quick fix, and treatment often takes a long time. Keep persisting and good luck!

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 8/22/19 at 5:45pm

People say that dialectical behavioral therapy is one thing that helps a lot of people who have this diagnosis. It's an ongoing thing and it's something you have to agree to put the time into.


You bringing this up reminds me of something I meant to post a long time ago, and that's Pete Davidson of SNL is a hero for going public with his BPD diagnosis. It's not an easy thing to have or deal with or even go public with. There is so much struggle and shame and judgment involved. I've read a ton about it and found a good website about psychological diagnoses that calls on mental health professionals and regular people who have the assorted diagnoses sharing their experiences with the illnesses and treatments.  I'll see if I can find it again and link it here.

Editing to add: I found the website.  And I am going to admit, Siri brought me the link when I was exasperated, sitting outside of my house because I was afraid to cross paths with my landlord.  I actually said, "Help! Does my landlord have borderline personality disorder?" It took me to this site called The Mighty, and an article about five things people with BPD are doing when you think they are "manipulating" you.  It was quite helpful to me.  Maybe you will find something helpful there.  Also, check in with your mental health caregiver to make sure the site isn't crackpottery, cuz I'm no expert.

https://themighty.com

 

 

 

Updated On: 8/22/19 at 05:45 PM

[UncleCharlie]

Posted: 8/23/19 at 1:33am

I have little knowledge of the area so I have no specific advice to share, but from a common sense standpoint, your therapist who you indicated you see every week should be your guide. He or she should be seeing what is and isn't working, suggesting new approaches and treatments, not just going thru the motions each week with the same approach. That nothing seems to be working and you're having to turn elsewhere for advice as to what to do next says that person is not doing his or her job. Ask them what other ideas they have and if they don't have any, find a new therapist who might approach your treatment differently than your current therapist. And just to be clear, it's great that you reached out here. The more avenues you can explore and the more ideas you can get, the better but your therapist should be the one pulling all those ideas together into an actionable treatment plan and if that's not happening, change your therapist. Best of luck.

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 8/26/19 at 8:48am

I appreciate all your responses! I am in therapy although even therapy is becoming far too much at this point. Im going to begin looking for new jobs today, but just am struggling finding anything of interest. Wish me the best of luck folks! 

[ErikJ972]

Posted: 8/26/19 at 6:55pm

DBT is definitely the way to go.

[Armie3]

Posted: 8/27/19 at 9:18am

The rat race is hard.

I don't know about BPD, but I will say this don't feel bad or judge yourself. If anybody else judges you, **** them - don't let them get you down. Mainly don't be hard on yourself, though. This is not a character flaw.

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 8/27/19 at 11:23am

DBT is just quite intense, or can be at least for me. So someone with very intense emotions it just gets exhausting to have to go to. It’s also exhausting to continually be unrelatable to my friends and such. Even today at work, my pen fell off my desk and I just haven’t been able to recover since. It was already quite a long morning before but it was right as I was in the middle of a thought and now I’ve lost that thought. Ugh! Sorry for this to be my ranting space now, been a rough week

[Impossible2]

Posted: 8/27/19 at 6:36pm

Wait I'm confused, do you have Borderline or Bipolar...they are 2 completely different disorders?

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 8/27/19 at 7:05pm

Borderline. I’m completely unstable emotionally and in most aspects of life anyways. I was already depressed heading in then my pen fell of my desk at work and I was just done from there. Left work even I just couldn’t handle it

[Impossible2]

Posted: 8/27/19 at 7:37pm

Mike Barrett said: "Borderline. I’m completely unstable emotionally and in most aspects of life anyways. I was already depressed heading in then my pen fell of my desk at work and I was just done from there. Left work even I just couldn’t handle it"

Have sent you a PM x

[JBradshaw]

Posted: 8/30/19 at 2:52am

I have it.

It sucks.

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 8/30/19 at 3:20pm

JBradshaw said: "I have it.

It sucks.


"

Retweet 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 1/23/20 at 10:57am

Well this is all getting the best of me. This is a really difficult disease to live with. I sympathize with anyone going through the same struggles. Thanks as always to BWW for the support but I am checking myself into a hospital this weekend. Hoping for the best but never done this before. 

[sabrelady]

Posted: 1/23/20 at 12:57pm

(((((HUGS)))) & Prayers 

 

[dramamama611]

Posted: 1/23/20 at 3:56pm

We're here for you!  {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 1/23/20 at 6:56pm

Mike, are you still actively engaged in psychotherapy? I have some friends who are good clinicians and they swear by dialectical behavioral therapy for clients with BPD. It IS a difficult diagnosis, for the people who have it, for the people who love them, and for the people who try to give them care. So, your struggles are not unusual or a sign of weakness or anything like that. It is real.

This is why I said I was super-surprised when Pete Davidson went public with his BPD diagnosis. And why I get angry when people make jokes at his expense.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 1/23/20 at 7:00pm

I just looked at the more recent posts in this thread.  Sorry about that. I thought I was all caught up.

You know how people say they had a really good workout, because their trainer "killed" them?  Or, "I'm dead from today's workout," I think that's a good metaphor for DBT and Borderline patients.  If you're tired from it, maybe that means you're doing it right and if you're doing it right maybe that means it will become increasingly helpful for you?  I hope so.  

Check out themighty.com if you've not yet done so.  One of the clinicians on there made a post that gave me a topic for my recent therapy session that got at things from a direction I'd never considered before.

And to reiterate, you're not alone.

 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 1/24/20 at 10:51am

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I am quitting my job this afternoon and heading in afterwards. Hoping for the best. Be kind to one another, folks! 

[LuPita2]

Posted: 1/24/20 at 2:03pm

Good luck to you Mike, I personally do not suffer from BPD but have been in DBT therapy for a number of years, and it took awhile for me but it has helped me tremendously with my anxiety and ptsd. Sending you a giant hug. 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 1/27/20 at 1:22pm

Hey everyone, thanks for the very kind and welcoming messages. I appreciate it much more than any of you would ever know. 

I was released this am, kinda traumatizing experience in some ways. For anyone else here with BPD, id think long and hard before going to an emergency room, if you can. Obviously everyone's own perspective and stories are different so I'm just going to speak from mine and give my advice: 

The entire experience is triggering, which I knew going in because they obviously wanted to know why I was at the hospital considering ending it all. Maybe I was too naive going in, but I did not realize we'd discuss THE ROOTS of my issues. Idk why, but I guess I didnt expect a full on 24 hour therapy/pyshcriatic meeting. This is likely naive on my part however. I knew it'd be intense but I did not expect to get into EVERYTHING, including my childhood trauma. Please take this into consideration before entering. 

After intinital diagnosis I did some other medical tests as my overall health has been declining and I got my bedroom for the next 2 evenings. For someone with anxiety, I like to know whats coming obviously. During this entire process I was very rarely kept in the loop for what was happening next, or at least until it was happening. I was given a new prescription before bed, some doses I took immediately while others waited until the next day. I, thankfully, did not have a roommate. 

Next morning was a "group therapy" session, there are more official terms for these but I can't remember them right now. This group included me along with 6 other patients. 3 of which were in similar situations to me, while the other 3 were in more prolonged rehabilitation for their various needs. This discussion centered around what got us here, and why we need/want to get back into the real world as soon as possible and the steps we can do to take them. I found this to be the best part of this experience, as its basically a big encouragement session for everybody. As somebody who has a family that does nothing but judge others, shame others, and look down on others, this was INCREDIBLY refreshing. This is what actually made me feel little "better" id say. I met again with doctors and psychiatrists about an hour following this to discuss how I felt afterwards. They all felt another not in hospice was necessary before they released me. I disagreed, but in hindsight they were correct. They wanted to gauge how my medicine initially reacted to me as well. 

Next morning, yesterday, I got up and was immediately sent into another meeting with psychiatrists and doctors. Essentially the same meetings as we have had before, seemed like a proper follow up. I sat in my room for another hour, constantly monitored as well, and waited for another group session. This group session lasted around 3 hours and was very beneficial I found for everyone involved. Same group as the day before, discussing similar tactics and how the tactics we've learned and applied in these sessions can be taken out into the real world. After that I felt much better or I at least felt like I had some sort of outlook, no matter what is was. That was something I haven't felt for months honestly. 

Based on that, and meeting with my psychatrists later that evening we felt releasing me this morning was appropriate. I have scheduled a follow up appointment for this week with the same doctors and pyshciatrists this week, along with attending another group session since I found them beneficial. Once these plans were developed I was released. 

Just to be clear, its ENTIRELY under the hospital's discression to release you. Something I did not know going in, as I didn't really want to spend a 2nd night but was not really given a choice. 

So overall, Ive personally walked away from is positively as I was released. However I felt like I've lived an entire life this past weekend so I am utterly spent and exhausted. I think in my case this will ultimately be helpful, as I need a support group desperately and I may have found one here. But, that being said, I'm not so sure I can recommend this to everyone with BPD. You need to know yourself and know what you're getting yourself into. You are going to talk about the things you desperately want to avoid, you're going to tackle those things head on, you're going to meet people who are just like you, but you are ultimately out of control when you are there. Literally, because you've checked yourself in, and because the doctors basically seem to have full control over you once you begin treatment. Its a very intense experience and while only being gone for just over 48 hours, man this was one of the hardest most grueling things I have never done. So please know what you're getting into going in. I could see these being very unsuccessful for some people as it is too stress inducing. 

Ultimately do what you need to do get yourself through the tough times. This is how I did it, just sharing my experience, but id advise anyone who's in a situation or mindset like mine to just be cautious heading into something like this. Anyways, thank you for anyone who has bothered reading this or making a comment showing their support for me. I truly, truly appreciate it. No matter what has been said by me or others on this board in the past, minus a few very select posters, I do enjoy coming back to this community and will continue to for the near future. Cheers, everyone! 

[Highland Guy]

Posted: 1/27/20 at 2:11pm

Did the hospital refer you to longer-term support groups?  Often, LGBT Community Centers offer a variety of client-run, no-cost groups that address various issues.  If there is a Center near you, you might want to check to see if they have programs of interest to you.  Just a suggestion.  Good luck

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 1/27/20 at 5:38pm

Highland Guy said: "Did the hospital refer you to longer-term support groups? Often, LGBT Community Centers offer a variety of client-run, no-cost groups that address various issues. If there is a Center near you, you might want to check to see if they have programs of interest to you. Just a suggestion. Good luck"

There was mentions but I’m following up with doctors in 2 days so I’m sure more long term will be discussed then, I just needed to get through this week lol. I appreciate the thought however, thank you.