Tootsie: Lyrics to What’s Gonna Happen

[WindyCityActor]

Posted: 6/3/19 at 9:37am

Does anyone have the lyrics to the comic patter song, What’s Gonna Happen from TOOTSIE?

I’d like to have it transcribed in order to perform it at a gala benefit. And before I try to unravel it, I was wondering if anyone already had.

I found two clips on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/oplFjnTCOqw

https://youtu.be/FNV76IEknqc

 

Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. If anyone knows another comic patter song, please let me know, but it has to be from a Broadway musical which has premiered since 2000.

 

[LLW2]

Posted: 6/3/19 at 9:45am

I know what's gonna happen
I'll try to go to bed
With fear of failure flapping
Like a fruit bat in my head

I'll sleep for half an hour
The clock will ring at six
I'll wake up in the shower with a stomach full of bricks
So I won't have any breakfast maybe just a little tea
Like when you have to go and get a colonoscopy
Which incidentally isn't half as disconcerting or upsetting
As going for a part you know there's no way that you're getting

But anyway I'm heading downtown for the audition
Where everything I am dreading will be coming to fruition
And here's what's gonna happen
I'll walk in weak with hunger
And there's a dozen girls
Who look like me but ten years younger

I'll go into the bathroom
And I'll try to vocalize
And I'll be singing *vocalizes*
But I'll be hearing Sandy sucks
She really sucks, she really, really, really blows
And she's old, and she's lame
And then someone calls my name

And here's what happens
I'll walk into the room
The gross fluorescent lighting is inviting as a tomb
And everybody smiles, they'll say its good to see ya
But all I see is judges
And they'll all look like Scalia

And then a little banter as they look me up and down
And somewhere through the fog of insecurity and hate
I'll try to convince them that I'm charming
And I'm clever and I'm fun to have around

But I’m starting to unravel

In my head I hear the gavel


Guilty!
They're gonna throw the book at me 'cause I'm
Guilty!
Of coming in and wasting all their time
Guilty!
Of almost every other show biz crime
Not young enough!
Not thin enough!
Not pretty enough!
Not good enough!

We hereby sentence you to a lifetime of waiting tables and debilitating self-loathing

But wait now someone's asking
So can we hear your voice?
I make a lame attempt at humor: Do I have a choice?
I nod at the pianist, he's always wearing black
He's always in a turtleneck with dandruff on his back

No sooner do I get my note and open up my trap
Then inevitably some mealy-mouthed assistant director's thumbs are all over his iPhone
And I know he's probably tweeting LOL
This girl is crap
She's a fake
She's a phony
She could never win a Tony

And now I'm in a place I know quite well
I've left the world and I've entered hell
I'm this far away from a fainting spell

But just before I die
I finish the song
Which I oversell
Somebody says thanks
And wishes me well
The next thing I know
I'm at Taco Bell
Stuffing my face with meat

I'm trying to take it slowly
I'm trying to be my best
I'm trying to be more holy
Less bitter and depressed
Oh! I'm reading Eckhart Tolle
He makes a lot of sense
I bought a Buddhist bowl
He says he it helps you be less tense

It doesn't do a thing for me
I sit there on the floor
And watch a vivid sequence of humiliating incidents from my past go by
And think what kind of masochist keeps coming back for more

When she knows what's gonna happen
Cuz it never doesn't happen
Cuz it always, always, always
 

No! I know what's gonna happen
Don't tell me that I don’t

And don’t say that I’ll rise to the occasion cuz I won't
And don’t say I’ve got talent

And don't say I got heart
And don't say that I'm clever

Cuz I know I’m pretty smart
I'm smart enough to know
That I'm too stupid to admit
That I can't survive a diet
That consists of eating ****

The trick is knowing when to pack your bags and say that’s it
You know what's gonna happen
I know what's gonna happen
Here's what's gonna happen
I quit!
I quit!
I quit!

Updated On: 6/3/19 at 09:45 AM

[ChairinMain]

Posted: 6/3/19 at 10:05am

So, transcription below, but I don't think the sheet music has been published yet and I would not recommend doing this one to a track or a capella, it's nuts. 

If you want something similairly difficult/impressive look at "Model Behavior" from "Women on the Verge".

---

I know what's gonna happen. I'll try to go to bed,
With fear of failure flapping like a fruit bat in my head.
I'll sleep for half an hour, The clock will ring at six,
I'll wake up in the shower with a stomach full of bricks,
So I won't have any breakfast maybe just a little tea,
Like when you have to go and get a colonoscopy,
Which incidentally isn't half as disconcerting or upsetting
As going for a part you know there's no way that you are getting!

But anyway I'm heading downtown for the audition,
Where everything I'm dreading will be coming to fruition,
And here's what's gonna happen, I'll walk in weak with hunger,
And there's a dozen girls who look like me but ten years younger.
I'll go into the bathroom and I'll try to vocalize
And I'll be signing "Ming-a ming-a, ming-a ming"
But I'll be hearing "Sandy sucks she really sucks, she really, really, really blows"
And she's old, and she's lame" and then someone calls my name

And here's what happens: I'll walk into the room
The gross fluorescent lightning is inviting as a tomb
And everybody smiles, they'll say its good to see ya,
But all I'll see is judges and they'll all look like Scalia.

And then a little banter as they look me up and down
And somewhere through the fog of insecurity and hate
I'll try to convince them that I'm charming
And I'm clever and I'm fun to have around
But I'm starting to unravel, in my head I hear the gavel - 

Guilty!
They're gonna throw the book at me 'cause I'm
Guilty!
Of coming in and wasting all their time
Guilty!
Of almost every other show-biz crime
Not young enough!
Not thin enough!
Not pretty enough!
Not good enough!

[Spoken]
We hereby sentence you to a lifetime of waiting tables and debilitating self-loathing.

But wait no someone's asking
So can we hear your voice?
I make a lame attempt at humor: Do I have a choice?
I nod at the pianist, he's always wearing black
He's always in a turtleneck with dandruff on his back

No sooner do I get my note and open up my trap
Then inevitably some mealy-mouthed
Assistant director thumbs all over his iPhone
And I know he's probably tweeting LOL This girl is crap
She's a fake! She's a phony!
She could never win a tony!

And now I'm in a place I know quite well
I've left the world and I've entered hell
I'm this far away from a fainting spell,
But just before I die
I finish the song
Which I oversell
Somebody says thanks
And wishes me well
The next thing I know
I'm at Taco Bell
Stuffing my face with meat.

I'm trying to take it slowly
I'm trying to be my best
I'm trying to be more holy
Less bitter and depressed
Oh! I'm reading Ekhardt Tolle
He makes a lot of sense
I bought a Buddhist boul
He says he it helps you be less tense

It doesn't do a thing for me
I sit there on the floor
I watch a vivid sequence of humiliating incidents from my past go by and think
What kind of masochist keeps coming back for more 
Which you know is gonna happen
'Cuz it never doesn't happen
'Cuz always, always, always-

[Spoken]: No!

I know what's gonna happen
Don't tell me that I don't
I know I say I'll rise up to
The occasion but I won't

And don't say I've got talent,
And don't say I've got heart,
And don't say that I'm clever
'Cuz I know I'm pretty smart
I'm smart enough to know
That I'm too stupid to admit
That I can't survive on a diet
That consists of eating ****
The trick is knowing when to it's time to pack your bags and say "that's it!"
You know what's gonna happen
I know what's gonna happen
Heres's what's gonna happen
I quit!
I quit!
I quit!

[WindyCityActor]

Posted: 6/3/19 at 10:16am

Thank you so much!

[getupngo]

Posted: 6/3/19 at 6:56pm

Do you guys serious just not even bother to google the words “tootsie what’s gonna happen lyrics” because you get a ton of results. Seems easier than making a post about it

[Observation]

Posted: 6/3/19 at 7:52pm

Also, genuine question, how can you perform? Are the rights released? Do you somehow have a track to it? 

[LLW2]

Posted: 6/3/19 at 7:59pm

getupngo said: "Do you guys serious just not even bother to google the words “tootsie what’s gonna happen lyrics” because you get a ton of results. Seems easier than making a post about it"

The ones I found were incomplete, with a lot of “[?]” inserted. The reason I was able to transcribe it completely (and accurately, I hope) is that I heard David Yazbek sing it at a slower tempo on Studio 360.

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 6/4/19 at 12:22pm

The only other 21st century patter songs I can think of are:

Words, Words, Words - The Witches of Eastwick
Cop Song - Urinetown
The Speed Test - Thoroughly Modern Millie
Model Behavior - Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
Poison in My Pocket - Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder

Updated On: 6/4/19 at 12:22 PM