AN ORIGINAL MINI-MUSICAL WITH BOOK BY @JOEJOEJAGUAR
By: Robert Diamond Mar. 22, 2012
Together
AN ORIGINAL MINI-MUSICAL
WITH BOOK BY @JOEJOEJAGUAR
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Scene 1: The Main Stage
The lights dim, save for a lone spotlight illuminating a podium and a microphone.
Announcer (off stage)
Ladies and gentlemen: Mr. Rush Limbaugh.
A fanfare plays as rotund Rush Limbaugh approaches the podium, waving at his cheering fans all the way. After the hoopla dies down, Rush begins his speech.
Rush
Salutations, my fellow conservatives! Here we are…on a hot August night…in beautiful downtown Tampa: the pride of Florida, the envy of the United States, the jewel of the Gulf of Mexico. Which, by the way, people…we’ve really got to do something about that name. What, are we outsourcing our gulfs now? Was “Gulf of America” was already taken? Guess what: If Barak Hussein Obama is re-elected in 2012, it’s only gonna get worse. But We The People are not going to let that happen, are we? No, dear friends and colleagues, we cannot. And we WILL not.
But I’m not going to sully tonight’s proceedings with talk of unconstitutional healthcare, or the tanking economy, the terrible housing market, the high price of gasoline, or the liberal, lame-stream media. Know why? Because tonight isn’t about them. It’s about us, the TRUE American Patriots. The right-thinking, right-leaning, conservatives of America. You know, we get a bad rap, you and I. We are portrayed as buttoned-up, tightly wound, holier-than-thou, greedy blowhards who wouldn’t know a good time if it reached out and slapped us on the ass. Ah…but we know differently, don’t we?
We know how to let our hair down. Those of us who still have hair, that is. Republicans…we know…how to have fun. Like my father always told me, “Son…there ain’t no party…like a Grand Old Party!” Come on out here, gang!
The Dancing Conservatives – young and old, male and female, all dressed in the most brightly colored and bejeweled conservative attire imaginable (some business suits, some pants and/or skirt suits, some redneck wear (muscle tee and trucker cap), some cowboy wear, representing most of the major facets of the conservative movement) – enter and surround Rush as he continues.
So welcome, my friends, to the shin-dig that never ends. Champagne, hot dogs, and apple pie from now to the finale. Ladies and gentlemen, you have arrived at the 2012 Republican National Convention!
Rush exits as The Dancing Conservatives begin to sing.
The Dancing Conservatives
We are what we are and what we are is an illusion.
We love how it feels acting like heels and causing confusion.
We’re pro-life, though it's sometimes sweet and sometimes bitter;
We face life, with a little guts, and lots of glitter.
We’re second to none
Bibles and Guns
Proving we are what we are!
We are what we are –Men
Some in brassieres
Women
Some in suspenders.
The DCs
Half real and half fluff, / You'll find it tough, no matter our gender.
So Just - Cash Register sound - if we please you, that's the way to show us.
Just - Cash Register sound -'Cause you'll fund us once you get to know us.
Women
Look under our glitz:
Men
Muscles and tits,
The DCs
Proving we are what we are.
[Musical INTERLUDE ]
The DCs (cont.)
We’re pro-life, though it's sometimes sweet and sometimes bitter,
We face life, with a little guts and lots of glitter.
We’re second to none
Bibles and Guns
Proving we are what we aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare!
Yeow!
The song ends, the lights fade on the performers, and rise on Mitt Romney, sitting alone in front of an illuminated dressing room mirror, fiddling with his hair. He’s wearing a bathrobe over his special Mormon underwear. He throws down his comb and hairspray in frustration.
Scene 2: The Dressing Room
Mitt
ARGH! Mitt Romney, this is no time to re-comb your perfect hair! No sir. You’ve got to be ready. To fight! To WIN! To…aw, who am I kidding? Face it: you lost. Like it or not, they chose Santorum. Oh, I’ll never be President…NEVER - NEVER - NEVER!
Mitt throws himself onto the dressing room table and sobs as The Dancing Conservatives all pile into the dressing room and gather around Mitt and his mirror.
DC 1
That Rush Limbaugh’s a catch, huh?
DC 2
That’s exactly what his first wife said.
DC 3
And his second…
DC 4
And his third…
All DCs
And his FOURTH!
Everyone laughs.
DC 1
Point taken!
They finally notice a down-in-the-dumps Mitt.
Hi ya, Mitt! Why the long face?
DC 4
Yeah, don’t look so glum, chum.
DC 2
You know, that kid’s gonna be President some day.
DC 3
But not today…
DC 4
Really, I thought he was a cinch to get the nomination tonight!
Mitt
That’s because I was a cinch. Until…
All DCs
Until?
Mitt
Until HE came along.
DC 2
He? He who?
Mitt
Republican Presidential Hopeful Rick Santorum, THAT’S who.
All DCs
Ohhhhhh…
Mitt – surrounded by The Republicans - turns around and faces the audience.
Mitt
I mean, LOOK at me! I’ve got what it takes to be President. I'm handsome, I’m rich, and I’m white. This is America, by golly: What other qualifications do you need? And I’ve even got experience. I was Governor of Massachusetts, for Pete’s sake! Do you know how hard it is being a good Republican leader with all of those Kennedys running around? Of course you don’t, and neither does Santorum. But do they care? The voters? No, of course not. They’d rather vote for a scrappy Catholic underdog than a rich Mormon robot with magic underwear!
The others look at him strangely
That’s right: Magic!
DC 2
But I thought you two were BFFs.
DC 3
That’s what I heard!
DC2
Rick and Mitt vs. The Ninety-Nine Percent.
Mitt
Ugh, those dirty hippies!
DC 4
That’s right, The Two Musketeers! All for one…
DC 4 holds their hand in the air, mimicking a sword, and the others follow suit.
All DCs
And none for all!
Mitt
Yes, those were good times, don’t remind me. Rick was like a brother to me. Now he’s monkey on my back. And no matter how hard I try, I just…can’t…shake him!
DC 1
Relax, Mitt. I know just what you need.
DC 1 hands Mitt a bottle, who looks it over, then hands it back.
Mitt
A bottle of shampoo? What am I supposed to do with that?
DC 1 (Spoken)
I’m glad you asked.
I'M GONNA WASH THAT MAN RIGHT OUT OF MY HAIR
(Sung) You’re gonna wash that man right out of your hair.
Mitt (confused, spoken)
I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair?
DC 1 (Sung)
You’re gonna wash that man right out of your hair.
All DCs (sung)
And send him on his way!
DC 2
You’re gonna wave that man right outa your arms
Mitt (sung)
I'm gonna wave that man right outa my arms.
DC 3
You’re gonna wave that man right outa your arms
All DCs
And send him on his way!
DC 4
Don't try to patch it up
All DCs
Tear it up, tear it up!
DC 3
Wash him out, dry him out,
All DCs
Push him out, fly him out,
Mitt
Cancel him and let him go!
(Mitt excitedly grabs the shampoo from DC 1 and disrobes for the shower, revealing his special underwear. Not to mention a very large bulge.)
All DCs
Yea, sister!
ALL (including Mitt)
I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, / I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair,
I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, / And send him on his way.
Mitt
If a man don't understand you, / If you fly on separate beams,
Waste no time, make a change, /Ride that man right off your range.
Rub him out of the roll call / And drum him out of your dreams.
All DCs
O-ho!
DC 2
If you laugh at different comics,
DC 4
If you play for different teams
All DCs
Waste no time, weep no more, / Show him what the door is for.
Rub him out of the roll call / And drum him out of your dreams.
Mitt
You can't light a fire when the woods are wet, /You can't make a butterfly strong,
You can't fix an egg when it ain't quite good,
All
And you can't fix a man when he's wrong!
Mitt
You can't put back a petal when it falls from a flower
Or sweeten up a fellow when he starts turnin' sour
All
Oh no! Oh no!
Mitt goes offstage to showers and wash his hair as the Republicans continue their song.
All DCs
If his eyes get dull and fishy, / When you look for glints and gleams,
Waste no time, Make a switch, / Drop him in the nearest ditch!
Rub him out of the roll call, / and drum him out of your dreams.
O-ho! O-ho!
Mitt enters, still wearing his special underwear. His torso and hair are covered by towels, all lady-like.
Mitt
I went ‘n washed that man right outa my hair / I went ‘n washed that man right outa my hair,
I went ‘n wash that man right outa my hair / and sent him on his way.
All DCs
He went ‘n washed that man right outa his hair
He went ‘n washed that man right outa his hair
He went ‘n washed that man right outa his hair,
Mitt and All
And sent - him - on - his - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
The song ends with girlish giggling from all involved. That’s when Rick Santorum walks through the door. He is wearing a dark suit, matching shoes and tie.
Rick
Pardon me.
The DCs and Mitt stop giggling and gasp.
All DCs
RICK SANTORUM?!
DC 3
What are YOU doing here?
Rick
I’d like to speak with Mitt for a moment. (No one moves) Alone.
Mitt
It’s alright, girls. You can go. I’ll be fine.
The DCs all stand up and file out the door.
DC 3
Mitt, honey. You call us if you need us. OK?
DC 2
We’ll be right outside this door.
DC 1
Yeah. Right…out…side…
DC 1 makes an “I’ve got my eye on you” signal to Rick, who nervously turns back to Mitt, who remains seated at the dressing room table, his back to Rick. After an awkward silence…
Mitt
Hello. Richard. I wasn’t expecting you. I’m afraid I’m not dressed…
Rick
I think you look swell.
Mitt
Do you? Indeed. What are you doing here? Don’t you have a keynote speech to deliver?
Rick
I had to see you first…
Mitt
All those hurtful things you said during the debates…you know you can never take them back, don’t you? Why even try?
Rick
I know, you’re right. You have every reason to be angry. I was a fool.
Mitt
Darn tootin’ you were.
Rick
And I’d be even more foolish not to come here today. You see, I…I want a do-over, Mitt. You and me, together again. Just like the old days. The Two Musketeers!
Mimics a sword, Mitt follows suit out of habit.
All for one!
Both
And none for all!
Mitt
Ha! Fat chance.
Rick
Don’t be like that.
Rick reaches out to Mitt, who pulls away.
Mitt
And how would you like me to be? Happy? After the attack ads, the interviews…You don’t even want to be President.
Rick
I didn’t at first. But now I do!
Mitt
Oh, NOW you do. That’s just great! The nomination was mine for the taking, but you ruined it! You ruined everything!
Mitt begins to sob as Rick tries unsuccessfully to console him.
Rick
There, there. Stop crying. Please stop crying. Please, will you…WILL YOU SHUT UP?!
Mitt suddenly stops crying, and looks up.
Mitt
Oh my. So butch…
Rick
Why did I run for President? Because I wanted you to notice me, that’s why! Yes, I was jealous. I didn’t want to spend the next eight years competing for your attention. Competing with a broken country full of gutless Progressives and witless immigrants. Godless, greedy, thankless, and un-worthy, each and every one of them! They don’t know you! Not like I know you.
Mitt
So…you did it all…for me?
Rick
YES! Why else would I do it?
Mitt
I…I don’t know what to say. I’m flattered. I’m touched, I…
Rick
I have something for you.
Mitt
You do?
Rick fumbles around in his pocket, pulls out a small box. Jewelry, perhaps?
Rick
Go ahead. Open it.
Mitt obeys.
Mitt
Oh, my goodness. I can’t believe my…Two front row tickets to Broadway’s “The Book of Mormon”? Oh, Richard, they’re absolutely beautiful!
Rick gets down on one knee and takes Mitt’s hand.
What are you doing?
Rick
Willard Mitt Romney…
Mitt
Richard, no! You know we can’t…it’s illegal, for gosh-sakes!
Rick
As well it should be! It’s reprehensible.
Mitt
It’s inconceivable.
Rick
And it’s very…very…hot…
The pair stare longingly at each other, then suddenly their gaze breaks.
But, NO! That’s not what I was…Look. I know this race hasn’t gone exactly to plan. There have been a few bumped heads and bruised egos along the way. But I was hoping that…you and I could put aside our differences once and for all. I want to run this country, but I don’t want to do it without you. Think of it, Mitt: The Two Musketeers. Together, again.
Mitt
Together?
Rick
What do you say, Governor Romney? Will you make me the happiest candidate…the happiest man in the world? Will you be…my Co-President?
A Pause, followed by jubilation.
Mitt
Oh, yes! Yes! A THOUSAND times yes!
They embrace.
Oh, Richard, I can’t breathe. I’m happier than a black family on MLK Day!
Rick
So am I! Wait, what?
Mitt
Ha ha, just kidding. I don’t know any black people!
Rick
Neither do I!
They laugh and embrace again, this time Mitt kicks a leg in the air.
Stage Manager (off stage)
Five minutes, Mr. Santorum. Rick Santorum, five minutes, please.
Rick
My speech! I almost forgot. I’ve gotta scoot.
Rick shakes Mitt’s hand, then walks towards the door, followed closely by Mitt.
Mitt
Wait! What will you say? You know that crowd, they’ll never buy into this Co-President thing!
Rick
You’re right. We’ll have to think of a way to… (Snaps fingers.) I’ve got it! You stay here, I’ll go get the others. We’re gonna need their help!
Rick opens the door, and the eavesdropping DCs tumble through, all on top of each other.
That’s funny, I was just looking for you. Get over here! You’ve got to get the Governor up to speed.
DC 3
Up to speed?
DC 2
What are you talking about?
Rick
Tonight we’re gonna give our audience a little “Grease”, if you know what I mean.
DC 1
We know exactly what you mean, right girls?
All DCs
RIGHT!
Rick
Great! And remember: Stay in the wings, and come out when I call you. OK? OK. Break a leg, everybody!
All
Thanks, Rick!
DC 2
Gee. What a nice guy!
Everyone begins to chatter as Rick exits. DC 1 whistles loudly, and the chattering stops.
DC 1
No time for kidding around, gang. There’s too much at stake!
DC 4
That’s right! Have a seat, Gov!
Mitt obeys.
Comfy? Good! Now gather ‘round, fellow Republicans!
DC 3
Yeah! We’ve got a show to do!
The DCs huddle around Mitt, shielding him from the audience.
Scene 3: The Main Stage / The Main Event
The lights fade on Mitt and The DCs, and come back up on the podium and microphone. Rush Limbaugh is seen wearing a top hat and tails, and carrying a cane.
[Music Cue: “We Are What We Are”]
Rush sings and taps his way through a slowed-down reprise of “We Are What We Are”.
Rush
We’re pro [taps] Life… [taps] / though it's sometimes sweet and sometimes bitter,
We face… [taps] Life… [taps] / with a little guts and lots of glitter.
Rush throws a handful of glitter into the air and does a soft-shoe during the dance break.
We all love our Moms / Jesus and Bombs,
Proving…we are… [taps] what – we – are!
Rush taps his final tap, leans on his cane, and tips his hat to the audience. Drumroll.
Rush
Ladies and Gentleman, The Man of the Hour. From the great state of Pennsylvania, I give you: Senator Rick Santorum!
Rick enters to much fanfare and applause. He is dressed as Danny from “Grease”, complete with leather jacket, tight jeans, sneakers and greased up, 50’s style hair.
Rick
Hey there, cool cats and hot mamas! How do I look? (Applause and cat-calls.) You’re probably asking yourself: Why is Rick Santorum dressed like John Travolta in “Grease”? Or is he supposed to be The Fonz from “Happy Days”? Is there perhaps a broken jukebox somewhere that can only be fixed by a mere bump from his fist? Ha ha, no, I’m afraid not.
My fellow Republicans, I’m here today, dressed like a greasy hoodlum, to remind you of a simpler time. A happier time from the not-too-distant past, when the American Dream was still taking shape…still taking root. A time when all men worked, all children played, and women – wives and mothers, one and all – stayed home and took care of them. The cars were cooler, the food was better, the boys were tougher, and the girls were prettier. And our Leaders? They were timeless. They were tireless. And above all, they were fearless. America deserves fearless leaders, right? (Applause.)
Of course, we do. That’s why I’m here: To tell you who deserves tonight’s Big Prize. Guess what? IT’S ME, Daddy-O! I am going to be the next President of the United States! (Applause.)
But friends…I can’t do it alone. I’m going to need a little help. And I know someone who’s definitely up to the task. Wanna meet him? (Applause.) I thought you would. My fellow Americans, please put give a lukewarm welcome for Governor Mitt Romney! Come on out here, Mitt.
Mitt enters, wearing a bobbysoxer outfit, wig, makeup, the works. He waves at his constituents.
Mitt
Hello. Hi, everyone. Sorry about the get-up. Somebody took the last Fonzie outfit.
Stares at Rick, who gives a big “Oops” shrug.
Doesn’t really matter. I’m surprisingly comfortable in this dress.
Mitt twirls around, showing off his pretty figure. Rick speaks as Mitt twirls.
Rick
To the voters of America, I say this: The Primary season is done. I am no longer running against Mitt Romney. Instead…I am running WITH Mitt Romney. No, he is not going to be my Vice President, and I’m not going to be his. Instead, we are running as equals. We are running…as Co-Presidents! Two men…One Office…Together. Forever…
[Music Cue: “We Go Together”]
Mitt
Republicans, Tea Party-ers, Conservatives, one and all: Come on out here and help us celebrate!
Rick
We go together, like rama lama lama, ke ding a de dinga a dong
Mitt
Remembered for ever, like shoo bop shoo wadda wadda, yipitty boom de boom
Rick and Mitt
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
That's the way it should be / Wha oooh yeah!
DC Men and Rick
We're one of a kind, like dip di-dip di-dip, Doo-bop a doo-bee doo
DC Women and Mitt
Our names are signed, like Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy, Shoo-by-doowop-shebop
ALL
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be like one / Wa-wa-wa-waaa!
Mitt and Rick
When we go out at night / And stars are shinin' bright / Up in the skies above
ALL
Or at the high school dance / Where you can find romance / Maybe it might be lo-oh oh oh-ove
One of The Republicans motions offstage, and Rush Limbaugh enters. He is dressed as a 50’s-era nerd (bow tie, pocket protector, and Buddy Holly-style big black framed glasses, with tape in the middle, holding them together.) Rush joins in the revelry as the song continues.
DC Men and Rick
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
DC Women and Mitt
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Rick
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Mitt
Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Rush
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y / Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
DC 1, DC 2, DC 3 & DC 4
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
ALL
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop / Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy / shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
Rick
A wop ba-ba lu-bop
Mitt
A wop bam boom
[Dance Break]
ALL
We're for each other, likeA wop ba-ba lu-mop and wop bam boom
Just like my brother is Sha na na na na na yip-pit-y dip de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be together / Wha oooh yeah!
Rick and Mitt dance cheek to cheek as The Republicans and Rush sing and dance around them.
DC Women Mitt and Rick DC Men
We'll always be together We Go together Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be together like rama lama lama Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be together ke ding a de dinga a dong. Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be together Remembered for ever like Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be together ShooBopShooWaddaWadda Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
We'll always be together yipitty boom de boom… Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Repeat.
Lights fade as the cast waves goodbye.
The End
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