BWW Blog: Christopher Panella - Nobody Can Drag Me Down, Unapologetically Me

The theatre world is full of people who would love to see you fail, people who want to watch you crash and burn. You constantly have to deal with foul personalities that refuse to see the progress and good in you. The world of theatre is just like the real world in that many of its inhabitants are negative in every meaning of the word, but that doesn't mean you have to be.

I find that theatre is full of some of the best people and some of the worst people. Some of my closest theatre friends are kind-hearted souls that want to see me at my happiest, that want to see me grow and experience tastes of success. These people make every terrible experience and breakdown worth it and care for me every step of the way. That being said, of course I still find myself struggling through emotional turmoil every so often, and that turmoil can only be fixed by my own doing. As I have previously said, independence is so vital to me and should be vital to everyone, so although these friends are a support system, I can only solve these problems myself. Theatre is often a coping mechanism with problems for many teenagers, but the beauty of theatre can be tarnished. There can be so much negativity in such a positive place. Throughout my high school experience, I have been in countless shows and have grown as a performer, as most do. This growth has been evident in my humble success of achieving lead roles in musicals and straight plays within FLHS Drama. I am darn proud of myself for that. No one can take that from me. But that doesn't mean people won't try.

Throughout the past three years of theatre both outside and inside my high school, I have heard the gossip and backstabbing, seen the tears, and experienced the emotional stress that comes with wanting so badly to do so well but having others not want you to do well. My sophomore year, I auditioned for a theatre showcase. Going into the audition, my fellow peers were physically warm and kind to me, asking about my experience and my audition. I enjoyed the small talk with these people because it felt so genuine and honest. I realize now how good of actors they were. Needless to say, the questions about my audition eventually bordered on second guessing choices I was going to make, like if my 32 bars "was going to be good even though I didn't really have the best voice." The words look terrible in writing, but in person they were coated with the fakest sweetener imaginable. And I fell for it and let the worries get into my head. When I went up to audition, I found that I completely bombed my song. I forgot lyrics, was in the wrong key half the time. It was torture. And as I looked into the audience, into the eyes of my friends I had just met, I saw glee. No, not the show. Actual glee. Happiness. Happiness that I was failing. I was shattered. How could someone be happy that I was doing terribly? How could someone be that selfish?

I ran offstage the moment I could and immediately did what I'm best at: I built walls around myself, defended myself from any invaders, and refused to cry in front of anyone or show any sign of weakness. Looking back, I'm glad I stayed as strong as possible because I refused to let my emotions get the better of me and give them the satisfaction of winning over me. But at the same time, I wish I had cried. I wish I had bawled my eyes out to the point where these kids realized that the constant tearing down and pure fakeness will never make up for their insecurities or flaws. I wish I had shown what an effect their words had on me, because as Dumbledore says in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (sorry, it was a Harry Potter weekend this past weekend), "Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it." Their words hurt, and I wanted to show that. But I didn't.

Now, two years older and stronger, I still face and see others face that same foulness. From directors to fellow actors, it infects so many different stages and productions and can really impact people. No performer can perform their best surrounded by a cast that wants to see them fail. So the best thing I can truly say is that we, as human beings, need to be bigger. We need to be unapologetically emotional and real. Do not let others walk on you. Don't be afraid to break down in front of them and show them just how terrible they can be. I know, everyone always says to be strong and not show weakness, but don't be afraid to show it. Because emotions make us humans. Those who choose to spread their negativity are emotionless and only interested in feeding themselves, not in sharing love. So show them what humans are supposed to be: emotional, real, and raw. Because the moment you do that, you win. You are the better person, and you aren't letting them drag you down to the place they are at. Others are like that too. Surround yourself with friends in theatre who are so kind-hearted and want to care for you. Theatre, just like normal life, can be so much better when you surround yourself with people who want to see you succeed. So do that. Make a small group of friends who care for you and want you to be the best you can be and unapologetically you.