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http://www.twitter.com/COMEDYCENTRAL
3/22 @ 7:00 AM
ComedyCentral - Taking up meditation is a great way to ignore text messages for a while.

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3/22 @ 5:00 AM
ComedyCentral - Guitar solos are the low point of every karaoke performance.

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3/22 @ 2:33 AM
ComedyCentral - Finally a use for #. #TwitterIn5Words @midnight

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3/22 @ 1:00 AM
ComedyCentral - Love means never having to when you can’t even.

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3/21 @ 11:33 PM
ComedyCentral - Days arguing with an egg. #TwitterIn5Words @midnight

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3/21 @ 10:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Water is still the most popular beverage to swim in.

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3/21 @ 9:00 PM
ComedyCentral - It's not easy being @AnthonyDeVito_. #AdamsParty https://t.co/q87DtW2vCR https://t.co/nZjVSOFysv

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3/21 @ 8:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Can you feel it? The #Workaholics finale is on @GooglePlay: https://t.co/owVroMM8Tv https://t.co/sxh5IVAeD3

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3/21 @ 6:49 PM
ComedyCentral - Uninspired? Swag-A-Saurus can help on Snapchat Discover. https://t.co/0c39zhYj2L https://t.co/LFInH2dxQb

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3/21 @ 3:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Everybody poops. Some of us are more polite about it. Watch #UsedPeople: https://t.co/YM5AuyoDzS https://t.co/REzMuU3UiJ

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3/21 @ 2:00 PM
ComedyCentral - It's called a "standing desk," and it's healthy. https://t.co/hwybZ5WLFZ

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3/21 @ 11:45 AM
ComedyCentral - Twitter is 10 years old, which explains why it likes One Direction so much. #LoveTwitter

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3/21 @ 8:46 AM
ComedyCentral - The way the birds are singing right now, it’s almost like they don’t even know it’s Monday.

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3/19 @ 8:46 PM
ComedyCentral - Yawn like no one is getting a peak at your dental history.

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3/19 @ 8:00 PM
ComedyCentral - If you have to ask, it probably is. #Tosh https://t.co/kzGYkBz26x

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3/19 @ 7:23 PM
ComedyCentral - Hot Pockets are to regular sized pockets as calzones are to cargo pockets.

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3/19 @ 5:06 PM
ComedyCentral - Come on. #TheresSomethingAboutMary starts now. https://t.co/9G1qFBvgar

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3/19 @ 4:00 PM
ComedyCentral - There's always one more marble. https://t.co/dplqlAATLt

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3/19 @ 4:00 PM
ComedyCentral - A billion dollars worth of ideas in one morning. #BroadCity https://t.co/sHRS61WhOp https://t.co/bWFOIMJQ5a

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3/19 @ 3:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Do one thing each day that scares you. For example, give your worst friend your social security number.

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3/19 @ 1:52 PM
ComedyCentral - Rage against the organic macaroons. Cast your #ThirdMonthMania vote now. #DailyShow https://t.co/9arVaxhIpB https://t.co/YSLGg1iUwT

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3/19 @ 1:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Dim the lights and cozy up with @middleKidGould and @kingfirestorm on Snapchat Discover. https://t.co/gpni7zXVXQ https://t.co/9vLcPgQnkF

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3/19 @ 12:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Weed lube is hot. 420° hot. #NotSafeShow https://t.co/z4c86FaUOx

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3/19 @ 11:21 AM
ComedyCentral - Breakfast Tacos + Beer + All Your Favorite Shows = Comedy Central’s #KegsandEggs at #SXSW. https://t.co/oGZClUQcMs

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3/19 @ 4:45 AM
ComedyCentral - Spider-Man? Nice try. That guy doesn’t even have detachable genitals.

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3/19 @ 3:30 AM
ComedyCentral - You’re not truly rich until your home is protected by a moat.

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3/19 @ 1:45 AM
ComedyCentral - Friends on Facebook may be closer than they appear.

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3/18 @ 10:30 PM
ComedyCentral - The key to dating is knowing the right time to talk about your webbed toes.

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3/18 @ 8:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Who needs plates? https://t.co/EyUNj5S9Bl

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3/18 @ 7:00 PM
ComedyCentral - .@2Chainz Explainz brokered conventions. #NightlyShow https://t.co/NH4Va8YIiJ https://t.co/JxLXUZQgrb

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3/18 @ 6:10 PM
ComedyCentral - The stories affecting our #FridayFeeling; MJ’s comeback, cloned dogs, and LaBeouf in love. #TheCallBack https://t.co/bt9Hyr88xd

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3/18 @ 6:00 PM
ComedyCentral - The ultimate compliment. #Idiotsitter https://t.co/GRyngVirPY https://t.co/leAfxhnZrO

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3/18 @ 5:00 PM
ComedyCentral - Don't draw a dick on his forehead. #SpringBreakIn4Words @nickthune @midnight https://t.co/2ABv9iCudn

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3/18 @ 4:30 PM
ComedyCentral - This season’s been a wild ride. Watch the #Workaholics season finale: https://t.co/KLszdKTxY4 https://t.co/56feyuKV23

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3/18 @ 3:13 PM
ComedyCentral - Twitter is keeping its 140-character limit. And just when we'd finished the perfect 10,000-character joke.

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3/18 @ 2:36 PM
ComedyCentral - Trevor doesn’t think Republicans have thought through their SCOTUS block. #DailyShow https://t.co/YuYcFL6W6B

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3/18 @ 2:10 PM
ComedyCentral - Nap time. Anytime. https://t.co/36wVb6jlvp

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3/18 @ 1:40 PM
ComedyCentral - Hold your breath. She startles easily. Get gassy on Snapchat Discover: https://t.co/Yg9sHwjlw3 https://t.co/n5dAh5ki4Q

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3/18 @ 11:37 AM
ComedyCentral - On this day 21 years ago, Michael Jordan faxed "I'm back" to the Bulls, because he didn't have their pager number.

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3/18 @ 10:00 AM
ComedyCentral - You got this. https://t.co/9dLSNe6wM8

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