Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 8/10

By: Aug. 18, 2015
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Below, check out quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of August 10 - August 14:

It's this fight between Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly. Yeah, after being accused of making sexist comments about Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly, Trump went on CNN yesterday and said quote, "I cherish women. I want to help women." Then Hillary was like, "Well, you're really helping THIS woman!"

And a top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, (TRUMP) "Quitting!" "He was fired for quitting." (It's inexcusable!)

Also during the earlier debate, Rick Perry said that if he were elected he would "tear up" the nuclear agreement with Iran. Then Obama had it laminated just to mess with him. (TRYING TO TEAR) "Aw, give me the scissors!"

And get this, before last week's Republican debate, Hillary Clinton's staff told supporters to stock up on soft projectiles like marshmallows to throw at the candidates on TV. While Chris Christie's staff told the same thing to the live audience.

(CATCHING THROWN MARSHMALLOWS IN MOUTH)

NOM. NOMNOM. NOM...

And a little drama here. In a new interview, Miley Cyrus criticized Taylor Swift's video for "Bad Blood" saying it glorifies violence and revenge, and added, "I don't see why boobs are worse than guns." Yeah, they're not. It's just that you shouldn't take out either one of them and randomly point them at people.

Oh this is cool. It's rumored that Ozzy Osbourne may be appearing in the upcoming "Ghostbusters" movie. Of course, it got weird when they had to use CGI to make him look LESS like a ghost. (OZZY) "Sharon! Get me outta this ghost trap!"

I don't know if you saw this, but there was lot of controversy in India recently after the government banned over 800 porn sites, but then lifted the ban after just a week. That's right, porn started back up after being gone for a week, or as we call that here in America, "Lent".

And finally, This is pretty interesting. A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a big marijuana user, and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: (STONER) "To be, or not to be...wait, what was the question?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.11.15

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton announced a new plan to make education more affordable called the "New College Compact." Not to be outdone, Donald Trump came up with his own affordable college tuition plan called, "Chicks Get In Free." (TRUMP) "Hot broads should not have to pay for a good education. It's a disgrace."

That's right, Hillary has a 350-billion-dollar plan that she says will college more affordable. Which has to be better than MY parents' plan to make college affordable: "be good at sports." "CATCH the ball, Jimmy Don't RUN from it!" (My mom was mean.) Someone was throwing the ball at me. I want to change my overalls.

And get this, I read that a super-PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of one million dollars. Which means, if she wins, ANY of us can say that it was us that gave her the million bucks and hit her up for a favor. (ON THE PHONE) "It was me. I gave you the million dollars. I want to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom."

But what's really interesting is that this million dollar donation from an anonymous donor just two weeks after she spoke out against, quote, "the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money" into campaigns. Then she said... "Startinnnnng... now. Now! Now we start! Unaccountable money is awful. Cash it quick!"

And in an interview last weekend, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said that she is actually opposed to making companies offer paid maternity leave. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump said when he's president, he'll actually put the babies to work. (TRUMP) "I'm gonna start you in the mailroom. Very easy. No thumb-sucking until it's your bedtime!"

And this is kind of hard to believe, but according to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the frontrunner in the Republican primary race. It's very impressive - cuz it's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet.

And this is a crazy story. A Michigan State Representative named Todd Courser is claiming that he intentionally leaked a fake news story about himself hiring a male prostitute, to expose people blackmailing him over a real affair he was having with a woman. Then his wife was like, "Got it - so we're STILL getting like, SUPER divorced." (What the hell are you talking about? Good plan you idiot!) "I wasn't actually have an affair. I was hiring a male prostitute."

And I didn't know what to make of this, but Ford has apparently introduced new seats for a luxury sedan that allows drivers to use individual settings for each butt cheek. So if you can afford that new luxury car - maybe you should also pay a doctor to look at your mismatched butt cheeks. (SALESMAN) "You know how no two butt cheeks are ever the same?" "Uh...no?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.12.15

Hey, some big political news here. Bernie Sanders is polling at 44 percent among Democrats in New Hampshire, to pass Hillary Clinton as the Democratic frontrunner. And in another new poll, zero percent of Hillary's staffers wanted to be the one to bring her that news. ("You do it!" "But I don't wanna die!")

Speaking of Hillary. Officials investigating her email SCANDAL found that two of the four classified emails on her private account had information that was labeled "Top Secret." Which is pretty stupid. Everyone knows if you wanna hide stuff on your computer, you put it in a folder labeled "Tax Stuff 2008."

Actually it looks like things might be slowing down a bit for Trump. In fact, he recently dropped nine points in the some of the latest polls. When he heard that, Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Oh no. Was it everything I said?"

And check this out. In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname "tortoise" because he's making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that, compared to George, Jeb is the slow one.

Some international news here, I saw that Kim Jong Un greeted North Korea's women's soccer team when they arrived at the airport after they won the East Asian cup. Though I think the bigger story here is that a bunch of people got to leave North Korea and actually came back. (That was your chance to, you know, "go out for a pack of cigarettes.")

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.13.15

Let's get to some politics here. I saw that the writer Jonah Winter is publishing a children's picture book about Hillary Clinton's life. Then when he's done, he'll move on to his pop-up book about BILL Clinton's life.

Yeah, someone is writing a children's book picture book about Hillary Clinton's life. They say it's the perfect gift for the nephew you hate. "Happy Birthday, Dylan! Here's a picture book about a woman in her 60s. That's for shakin' up my soda! You're gonna love it!"

Oh, here's some international news. North Korea has just declared its own time zone that they are calling "Pyongyang Time," and set their clocks back half an hour. So if it's say, 11:40 here now in New York, in North Korea it's still 1925.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.14.15

Yeah, Donald Trump is still all over the news. And this is interesting. According to a new report, the word Donald Trump said most often in last week's debate was "I'm." Yeah, the word he says the most is "I'm." The word he says the LEAST: "Sorry."

Meanwhile, Rand Paul recently told reporters that his campaign is going to focus on taking down Donald Trump. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) "I've tried it myself - it doesn't work." (What more am I supposed to say to these idiots??)

Some music news here. There are reports that Justin Bieber's next album will be released in November. As usual, Justin is expected to collaborate with a number of other artists including Skrillex, Diplo, A$AP Rocky, Flipcoin, 2 Chainz, Lowdown, and Rihanna...and yes, I just made up at least two of those names.



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