Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON - Week of 7/29

Below, check out quotables from NBC's Late Night with Jimmy Fallon for the week of July 29 - August 2!

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 7.29.13

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Anthony Weiner - it's been a rough week for that guy. And get this - his campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement, cuz every time he e-mails someone, they're like, "I'm not opening that."

Yeah, this new sexting Scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, "What kind of person quits cuz of something like that?" Then voters said, "Ideally? You."

Let's see what's going on in Washington. Hillary Clinton made a trip back to DC today and actually went back to the White House to have lunch with President Obama...and to uh, you know, measure the drapes.

Actually, NBC just announced that it's coming out with a four-hour miniseries about Hillary Clinton, starring Diane Lane as Hillary. Or as one guy put it, (CLINTON) "Can I play myself?"

Uh, you guys may have heard, but last week the Royal Baby was born. Yeah, Royal Baby Fever is dying down a bit, but it's still a pretty big deal the Royal family. They're very excited. In fact, Prince Harry said he plans to teach his new nephew how to have fun. Which is why William and Kate just put the baby in the Witness Protection Program.

Speaking of kids. This is interesting. I just read that 25 percent of toddlers in America know how to use an iPad. While 100% percent of toddlers in China know how to make one.

This isn't good. There's talk that HBO is actually running out of story ideas for "Game of Thrones" because author George R.R. Martin hasn't finished the final two books in the series. That's when you know books are hurting - when even the guy WRITING them is like, "Ahh, I'll just watch the TV show."

And finally, I heard that Great Britain is planning to add a picture of Jane Austen to their currency. Americans were like, "Huh, I wonder when a woman will be on OUR currency." Then Hillary was like, "Soon."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 7.30.13

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Anthony Weiner - everyone's got Weiner on the brain. Things are not getting any easier for that guy. In fact, it just came out that Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate, "Anyone else but Weiner."

Yeah, everybody's weighing in on this. Yesterday on FOX News, Donald Trump said that there is something "mentally wrong" with Anthony Weiner. He said, "That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting...so look for him next season on Celebrity Apprentice."

And get this. Even former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who knows his way around a good scandal, even Spitzer said that Weiner should drop out. Seriously? Isn't Spitzer also trying to get elected himself as comptroller? If I were him I'd be begging Weiner to STAY in the race. It's like when you got an F in school, but then your sister was caught smoking. How dare she.

As if that weren't enough. Bill Clinton is piling on, saying Wiener should drop out. At this point, Weiner's gonna get a call that's like, (SCHWARZENEGGER) "What are you doing, Weiner?! There's no way you can win!! You must drop out NOW!"

Let's see what's going on over in Washington. I'm sure it's better over there. Hillary Clinton has been making the rounds. She had lunch with the President yesterday. And today she had breakfast with Joe Biden. Hillary wanted to meet early cuz she had other appointments, while Biden wanted to meet early cuz they stop serving McMuffins at 11 o'clock.

Check this out. They just came out with this new study that says it's harder to sleep when there's a full moon. I don't know, I sleep just fine when there's a full moon. I mean, when I wake up, my clothes are torn and like seven people are dead, but other than that I sleep fantastic!

This is great. I love when this guy does anything. Russian President Vladimir Putin - he's nuts. Well, he was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, "What am I supposed to do - he's president."

Oh, this is kinda cool if you like hockey. The Chicago Blackhawks say that they are planning to sell the melted down ice that they played on when they won the Stanley Cup. So if you know a hockey fan from Chicago and you're looking for the perfect gift, just pour some water into a jar and lie to him.

This is pretty interesting. Some researchers in Mexico just discovered a fossil of a dinosaur that has a 16-foot-long tail. Or as the dinosaur's wife put it, "In his dreams."

Hey if you got an iPhone and you're not so sure about your boyfriend or your girlfriend, listen to this. There's a controversial new app that texts your significant other when you want to break up. Yeah, when she heard, Anthony Weiner's wife was like, "How much is that app?"

That's right, an iPhone app that breaks up with your significant other. It's called "Words with Let's Just Be Friends."

And finally, Chipotle just announced that they will start selling vegan burritos at some stores. Yeah, tacos with no beef - or as Taco Bell put it, "Big deal - we've been doing that for years!"

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 7.31.13

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Still Anthony Weiner. Yeah, it's not getting any better for this guy. Now his campaign's communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern a "slutbag." But Weiner said he'd take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to.

And he really isn't helping himself. In an interview on Monday, Wiener refused to say whether or not he's still sexting with other women. Yeah, he was like, "For all I know, a few of them could be dudes." ("I could be getting Catfished. Just write back to me, it's all I ask.")

Hey, I want to say congrats to Simon Cowell, who just announced he's expecting his first child! Very exciting. Yeah, today he was spotted at Baby Gap shopping for T-shirts, then he was like, "You know, while I'm here, I should probably get something for the baby." ("Black v-neck, black v-neck, and whatever the baby wants.")

That's right. Simon Cowell is gonna be a dad! But it might be awkward when the baby comes out and Simon is like, "It's a 'no' for me I'm afraid." (Nice try)

Here's some news about Time Warner. They just announced that their CEO will resign at the end of the year. They say they would've done it sooner, but that was the earliest they could get a technician to come out and install a replacement.

I don't know if I believe this or not, but there's this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, "It's true - at my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers."

And finally, big news for Star Wars fans. The producers of the next "Star Wars" movie say they will avoid using CGI as much as possible so that the film looks more realistic. Which is good, because whenever I watch aliens and robots fighting with lasers, my first reaction is, "Hmmmm...seems pretty fake..."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 8.1.13

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Anthony Wiener. Yeah, he's still here. Yeah, the latest Scandal in his campaign is that his communications director called a former intern a "slutbag." But Weiner says he won't fire the communications director and vows to stand behind her - and she was like, "How about we just kind of stand side-by-side?"

So the Winter Olympics are just around the corner. They'll take place in Sochi, Russia, and the Russians are saying that Olympic athletes will have to follow the country's new anti-gay laws in order to compete in the Games. In other words, the men's figure skating is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Speaking of Russia. Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, well, he finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he was like, "Anything but Cinnabon."

Let's see what's going on in Washington. Congress has a month-long vacation coming up -- well deserved -- but House Republicans are being pressured to use their time off to reach out to women, young people and minorities. So they all got together and decided to go to a Selena Gomez concert.

I don't know what to make of this. It's rumored that AMC's show "The Walking Dead" is adding a zombie baby to the cast for next season. That's right, a drooling, hungry creature that can't talk or listen to reason - yeah, most people just call that "a baby."

I just saw that "Celebrity Wife Swap" over on ABC, was just renewed for a third season. Or as Anthony Weiner's wife put it, "No."

Oh man. You know how sports teams come out with these calendars with all their players? Well, New England Patriots fans were shocked today when they found out this month's player on their calendar is Aaron Hernandez, who's currently in prison for murder. Of course, that explains why his cell mate is now calling him "Miss August."

Here's some news from overseas. Kim Jong Un says he's building a new 200-million-dollar international airport. Though it'll be little awkward when he shows up, and they're like, "Hey there, are you traveling without a grown-up?"

Check this out. The Washington's National Zoo says that their giant panda might be pregnant. But they said they really have no way of knowing for sure. Then I was like, "Duh - just offer her a glass of wine and see if she takes it."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 8.2.13

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. You guessed it - Anthony Weiner. Here's the latest. Yesterday, in an interview with the Spanish-language channel Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name "Carlos Danger" as a joke. Weiner was like, "Come on - what's funnier than the name Carlos Danger?" And they were like, "Uh...Anthony Weiner?"

Hey, I want to wish a Happy early Birthday to President Obama, who turns 52 on Sunday. Yep, his friends and family are planning a big party - or as Biden put it, "But no clowns, right?"

This is big you guys. Here's some giant news for stoners everywhere. Taco Bell announced that it will launch another Doritos Locos taco flavor at the end of August. It makes sense they'd do it around Labor Day, cuz you don't want to be wearing white pants after eating a Doritos Locos taco.

Oh I think this is great. I just saw that the NFL is about to get its first full-time female referee. It'll be a little different though, cuz when a player asks her what he did wrong, she says, "Oh, you know what you did."

Justin Bieber's back in the news, acting crazy again. Did you hear about this one? During one of his concerts the other day, a fan threw her iPhone on the stage, and so he did what anyone would do. He took the phone and shoved it down the front of his pants. After he did that, Anthony Weiner was like, "Son?"

Hey here's some good news about the economy. Amazon says it's gonna hire at least five thousand new employees. They were originally gonna hire only four thousand, but realized if they added a few more, they got free shipping.