Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, Week of 4/8

By: Apr. 15, 2013
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Below, check out quotables from NBC's "LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon" for the week of APRIL 8 - APRIL 12:


Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. There's this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by five percent because of budget cuts. Did you hear about this? It's cool, except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won't do it. Yeah, he's one of the highest ranking cabinet members who hasn't given up five percent of his salary. Though in fairness, it'll take Biden at least a month to figure out what five percent of his salary is. "Nine plus five, carry the one...Let's try a calculator..Heh heh...(TURN UPSIDE DOWN) 'boobs.'"

That's right, apparently Joe Biden is still refusing to give up any of his salary. Yeah, when asked for comment, he was like,"Look, I kept my room clean. That was the deal."

This is interesting. Now that marijuana is legal in Washington state, police in Seattle are returning the weed that they confiscated. Which is great, especially cuz people don't remember it being taken away. (STONER) "Hey, thanks for the free weed, Officer!"

You guys, Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight - fresh off of his trip to North Korea and his appearance on "Celebrity Apprentice!" I'm gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman - and then we'll talk about Kim Jong-un.

This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Yeah. Even environmentalists were like, "You killed that thing, right?"

Get this. Over the weekend, a rare baseball card was sold at an auction for two million dollars. Yeah, turns out it's an A-Rod card that actually shows him playing.

I just saw that KFC is introducing new pieces of boneless chicken as an alternative to its traditional drumsticks. When asked how they Made them, KFC said, "Well, pigeons aren't as bony - uh, I mean, chef's secret!" (Press conference over)

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Over the weekend, One Direction singer Harry Styles had his pants pulled down by his band mate during a concert. Yeah, even Ken dolls were like, "Nothing to see here."

Here's some good news for music fans. It's rumored that Adele is in the Early Stages of planning her next album. Or as her current boyfriend put it, "Well, we had a good run."

I thought this was interesting. This week on the "Today" show, Chelsea Clinton said she's open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, "Cool. How does Secretary of State sound?"

Hey, I want to say Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner, who turned 87 years old today! You can tell he's getting old because now he has to call the doctor if he's awake for four or more hours.

Some more celebrity news. Ryan Gosling is teaming up with PETA and calling on dairy farmers to treat cows more humanely. Though when the cows found out it was Ryan Gosling they were like, "YOU can do whatever you want to me." "Milk me."

This is cool. A prop phaser gun from the "Star Trek" TV show recently sold for 231 thousand dollars at an auction. Making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you.

Get this, you guys. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he's challenging himself to meet a new person every day. Yeah. If only there were some website that could make that easy...(Like a book of faces.)

I think this is kind of strange. A town in Alaska is considering a law that would ban people from walking while drunk. Although it's going to be weird at a party when you're like, "Gimme your shoes Gary! I'm not gonna let you walk home like this!"

This isn't good. Last week, people broke into the home of Miami Heat star Chris Bosh and stole 479 thousand dollars worth of jewelry while he was at his birthday party. Though on the plus side, now his friends know what to get him next year.

Check this out. NASA is planning to capture a giant 500-ton asteroid and move it closer to the moon so that astronauts can explore it. Or as we'll say a few years from now, "Hey, remember the moon?"

Here's a local story. New York City may soon impose a one thousand-dollar fine on tourists who buy a knockoff handbag. Then officials were like "But for you, my friend, I make the fine 900 dollars."

And finally, it was just announced that this year, Bravo will let fans vote for "The Real Housewives Awards." Or as they'll also be known, "The Silicone Globes."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Big news coming out of Washington. Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, "Yeah, that's how you know it's good."

Have you heard about this? Target is back in the news. Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress "Manatee Grey," now they're having to rename a pair of sandals called 'Orina' because "orina" means "urine" in Spanish. While the name "Target" is just Spanish for "Fancy Walmart."

Listen to this. Yesterday, Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in quote "deep doo doo" with North Korea. Incidentally, 'deep doo doo' is the color of the suit I just got at Target.

Get this. In a new interview, former Congressman Anthony Weiner said he's considering running for mayor of New York City. If nothing else, I'm sure he'll provide some stiff competition. (C'mon! He's the total package. I don't want to be too hard on him. I don't have a bone to pick with that guy.)

And finally, a new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called "lazy" gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother?

Welcome to Late Night With Jimmy Fallon! This is what people are talking about. Get ready guys! The South Korean pop star Psy ("Gangham Style!")...Well he just announced that he'll release his new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard. North Korea was like, "Now they're really asking for it."

This is exciting. The Quidditch World Cup will be held this weekend in Florida, where people will play the fictional game from the Harry Potter books. Fans say it's a lot of fun, while their parents say, "When are you going to get married and move out of the house?"

Yeah, people will be playing a real life version of the Harry Potter game Quidditch. The only difference is The Players can't fly. The balls don't have wings and magically change direction. So basically, there's a lacrosse game in Florida this weekend. (A bunch of nerds will be there.)

Check this out. Mattel is being criticized over its Barbie "Dolls of the World Collection," because many of the dolls reinforce negative cultural stereotypes. Or as Barbie put it, "Yeah, that's kinda what we do."

People aren't happy. They're saying the doll from Mexico is offensive because it's holding a Chihuahua. While the doll from China is 10 years old and making one of the Dolls of the World.

Hey, the MTV Movie Awards are this Sunday, and Brad Pitt, we love Brad Pitt, he's gonna be there to present the award for Movie of the Year. Brad says he can't wait to look into a sea of young people, and ask them to wish daddy good luck at the show!

I just saw that The Playboy Bunny house, which is across the street from Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, is on the market for 11 million dollars. Hefner would have gotten more but as always, he was low balled.

Yeah, you can tell it's the Playboy Bunny house, cuz it looks nice but there's nothing going on upstairs.

And finally, New York City is considering a law to ban people from wearing costumes in Times Square, after a man dressed as the Cookie Monster shoved a little boy. In his defense, Cookie Monster was like, "Boy not give up cookie."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week's deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke. (You gotta have diet for that missile to launch)

This is big. It's looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, "Stop helping."

Here's an international story. Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it's gonna be a tight race between Ahamdinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.

And here's one last one: Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival Cruise to come in.



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