Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, Week of 2/18
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July 26, 2016
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July 20, 2016
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November 17, 2015
|ANNIE HALL Tops WGA's 101 Funniest Screenplays; Full List Revealed!|
November 12, 2015
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. The White House's immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it "dead on arrival." Which incidentally is also Florida's state motto.
This is cool. Yesterday, NBA legend Michael Jordan turned 50 years old. Yeah, Scottie Pippen actually helped him blow out his candles, but nobody seemed to notice.
Get this. A new study found that humans are slowly getting less intelligent. I was gonna read the whole study, but I'm just gonna wait for the movie.
This isn't good. In the last week, the season premieres of "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race" had their lowest ratings yet. You can tell Reality Show producers are worried, cuz on Survivor the immunity challenge was "come up with another hit reality show." GO!
And finally, a judge in California announced that Kim Kardashian's divorce trial from Kris Humphries will begin on May 6th. While the preshow on E! will begin March 1st.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Kate Upton just announced that she recently became single. So to all those guys Out There who've been waiting for a chance with Kate Upton - you still don't have a chance with Kate Upton.
Some entertainment news. In his new memoir, 80-year-old music mogul Clive Davis revealed that he is bisexual. Or as he put it, "Hey, sometimes you gotta listen to BOTH sides of the record."
Yeah, 80-year-old Clive Davis revealed that he is bisexual. Which is smart, cuz if you're still trying to have sex when you're 80, you should really take whatever you can get.
Check this out. In a new interview, Bill Gates said he's not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would've said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet.
This is interesting. Today, North Korea announced that its tourism has steadily increased over the last ten years. You can tell they're trying to boost tourism with their new slogan, "North Korea: You'll Never Want To Leave, Because We Won't Let You."
Some business news. Reader's Digest has filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn't been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married.
I read that lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, "Wait, that was illegal??"
This is scary. A new report shows that Chinese hackers could one day take out America's power supply. Or as that's also known, "Pulling a Beyoncé."
And finally, a bar in Washington D.C. is selling a new cocktail for fifteen hundred dollars that comes with a diamond. The bar says it's the perfect way to tell her, "You're my favorite hooker."
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. To appeal to a younger audience, this year's Academy Awards are just being referred to as the Oscars. And to appeal to even younger audiences, they're spelling Oscars with a "Z".
Some political news. There's talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars - which is great, because we could really use that money to pay back China.
Check this out. Today, doctors at a hospital in Texas live-tweeted a baby's delivery. Though I thought it was weird they kept using the hashtag, "Yuck."
Yeah, doctors live-tweeted a baby's delivery, and even posted some videos of the birth on YouTube. Most people called it "a bit much," while Kim and Kanye called it, "a great idea."
Get this. In an effort to reduce its debt, the Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. Yep, they come in "one size embarrasses all."
And finally, this week, the Supreme Court ruled that property can be searched without a warrant if a police dog smells something suspicious. Which explains that new suspect on the FBI's most-wanted list: butts.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State's graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He's currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.
Have you heard about this? Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie "Zero Dark Thirty" contains a lot of errors about the country. They were like, "The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance - but in real life, it's WAY worse than that." (It was like watching a Pixar movie when I saw "Zero Dark Thirty.")
Check this out. After the success of his book, "Killing Lincoln," Bill O'Reilly is coming out with a new book called "Killing Jesus." Although he's going to be super disappointed when he finds out there's already a book about that. (Pretty famous book)
Get this. I heard that Playboy is coming out with its first iPhone app later this year. Or as your girlfriend put it, "Hey, why is your iPhone locked now?"
Yeah, it's a pretty cool app. It's called Words with Boobs.
Some celebrity news. In a new interview, Honey Boo Boo's mom said she doesn't want her daughters to become the next Kardashians. And you can see her trying to prevent that, in the Reality Show starring her daughters.
Speaking of the Kardashians. Kim Kardashian has denied reports that she is backing out of her Reality Show after the ninth season. Kim was like, "Don't worry, when I back out of something, you'll see it coming."
And finally, researchers have discovered that a chemical in the brain causes women to talk more than men. Yeah, it's called "chardonnay."
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! We have First Lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! I plan to ask her some serious questions, like, "Do you think that I could pull off bangs?"
That's right, Michelle Obama is here! Everyone at the White House is excited - in fact, I heard they're even letting Biden stay up to watch. (Isn't that nice?)
With the First Lady here today, there's a lot of additional security around the studio. On my way in, I was grabbed, frisked and groped - then I was like, "Alright, Kathie Lee - enough. I have to get back to work."
Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative "Let's Move." Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative "Let's Sit."
Get this. A 104-year-old woman is complaining that she can't put her real age on Facebook because the birthdates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem, by either adding the dates...or just waiting it out.
The woman also complained about the new Facebook layout. She was like, "This used to ALL be Farmville!"
And finally, police in California are investigating a suspicious 911 call that was made from the Playboy Mansion yesterday. But when they got there, Hugh Hefner said, "False alarm - it only lasted three hours."