Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON , Week of 1/7
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November 11, 2015
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what's going on. I heard that Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn't a real place. "Okay - then let's go to Funkytown!" (We'll take Electric Avenue!)
Get this. A Democratic Congressman just introduced a new bill that would let President Obama run for a third term. Yeah, even President Obama was like, "Hey buddy, (clears throat, makes 'cut-it-out' motion)."
Speaking of Obama. The White House announced that AT&T will sponsor President Obama's second inauguration. It's going to be great when he's like, "My fellow Americans - you're breaking up. Are you in a tunnel?"
This is a big story. TMZ has posted pictures of Justin Bieber smoking weed at a party last week. Yikes, it's pretty embarrassing. Weed was like, "Yeah, I don't normally do this."
Speaking of sports. Lance Armstrong's lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance-enhancing drugs. Yep, he said that Lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying about it.
The CEO of Hulu just announced that he is stepping down in the next few months. He would do it sooner, but they're forcing him to sit through a bunch of commercials first. (The following resignation is brought to you with limited commercial interruption.)
I heard that astronaut Buzz Aldrin just finalized his divorce, and will have to pay his wife almost ten thousand dollars a month in alimony. Yeah, you can tell he's pretty depressed cuz he sat at home and finished a whole pouch of freeze-dried ice cream.
This is interesting. A new study found that our personalities change about once every ten years. And if you disagree with the study - well, just give it ten years.
And finally - everyone's talking about this - on Friday a passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers. Yeah, duct tape to hold someone in their seat - or as Southwest Airlines calls that, "a seatbelt."
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Last night, Alabama crushed Notre Dame 42-14 in the BCS National Championship. Man, I haven't seen such an ugly night for the Fighting Irish since Thanksgiving with my family.
Hey, last night was the premiere of Season 17 of "The Bachelor." Yeah, 17 seasons of "The Bachelor" is pretty impressive. Until you realize George Clooney is on his 50th season.
Here's some political news. The White House is gearing up for a fight with Republicans over Chuck Hagel, President Obama's pick for Secretary of Defense. As well as a fight over that other thing - everything.
Check this out A new study found that babies in the U.S. are watching too much television. Yeah, parents were like, "I think we saw that last Thursday on Dateline." And their baby was like, "Actually it was Friday." ("Thursday is Rock Center.")
Hey, did you hear about this? A pilot for American Airlines was just arrested for failing a Breathalyzer test before an early morning flight. Or as most pilots put it, "Hey - it's 1 o'clock somewhere!"
I heard that E! is coming out with a new Reality Show about Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte called "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" And everyone was like, "Swim. Is it swim right?"
This is cool. Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over two thousand years old. Meanwhile, my Mom was like, "That date is just a recommendation. They're still good." (Does it say Tylenol on it?")
And finally, to celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why this morning, Honey Boo Boo applied for dual citizenship.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. The White House announced that the theme for President Obama's inauguration will be "Faith in America's Future." Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
Actually, President Obama's team is promising special perks for donors who give at least one million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that one million dollars.
Speaking of Obama. Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC's White House comedy, "1600 Penn," which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, "Why's everyone looking at me?"
Here's a big story. Lance Armstrong will sit down for a 90-minute interview with Oprah that will air next week. Yeah, 90 minutes. Though it'll be a little suspicious when he finishes in just 60 minutes.
Hey, the 2013 Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow. It's so exciting to find out which movies you have to lie to your friends about seeing. "Oh, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen? Yeah! I loved... the scenes in that."
Check this out. Scientists have found evidence of a giant, dolphin-like creature that had sharp teeth and swam in the ocean. Or in simpler terms, it seems like we've just discovered a scientist who's never heard of sharks. ("Welcome back to "dolphin-like creature with sharp teeth" week on Discovery")
Listen to this. In a recent speech, Pope Benedict called on world leaders to address the growing wealth gap between the rich and the poor. Then he put on his giant gold hat, hopped into his custom-made Mercedes and went back to his house that is also a country.
And finally, Taco Bell recently made a customized Speedo for a swimmer after he asked for one on Facebook. Yeah it's not good. I mean you can practically see the guy's chalupa.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today, and the movie "Lincoln" earned the most with twelve. And I have a feeling if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, "What is a movie?"
Speaking of the Oscars. The Chilean movie "No" received a nomination for best foreign language film. Yeah, I heard the producers are actually already working on the sequel, called "Maybe..."
President Obama recently came under fire from Republicans over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, "You guys know I'll be there too, right?"
Get this. Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so that they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. Yeah, they're learning key phrases like "What are you into?" "You are very handsome," and "Nice to meet you Mr. Sheen."
I read that London will soon be home to the world's first atheist church. Yep, it's called Our Lady of "Eh." (Shrugs)
This is interesting. A new study found that men with brown eyes are viewed as more trustworthy than men with blue eyes. Of course I heard that from Anderson Cooper, so it's probably BS.
And finally, this week a news station in Sweden accidentally aired ten minutes of an adult film during a live broadcast. Which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "This just in..."
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. It was just announced that there will be a concert for kids next Saturday to celebrate President Obama's inauguration, featuring Alicia Keys, Katy Perry and Brad Paisley. Or as Joe Biden calls them, "Not the Wiggles."
Some major TV news. Yesterday, Meredith Vieira announced that she is leaving "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" so that she can work for NBC News. Though it'll be weird when Vieira says, "Breaking news - there's been a major earthquake in A) Canada; B) France; C) America; or D) Brazil."
Some political news. A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do "serious harm" to the country. Politicians were like, (Excited) "Cool! At least they think we do something!" (That's a win)
This is big. Beyonce will reunite with her Destiny's Child band mates onstage at the Super Bowl halftime show. Yeah, and rumor has it - they finally think we're ready for that jelly.
I heard that Major League Baseball will implement tougher drug testing this year to screen for human growth hormone. Meanwhile, baseball players were like, "What's hockey like? Is that a good sport to play"
This isn't good. Yesterday, American Express announced that it has to cut more than five thousand jobs. Even worse was how they told their employees: "American Express: Don't leave home (STOP)."
Get this. A woman recently wrote a book about going without makeup for an entire year. Women described her as "brave." And men described her as (Shrugs shoulders) "eh."
Did you see this? Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. Yeah, you can tell they're Tim Tebow headphones, cuz once you hook them up to your iPod, it barely plays.
And finally, this week, a store in Paris offered free clothes to the first one hundred customers who showed up wearing just their underwear. Or as the 101st guy put it, "Well, this is awkward." (It's gonna be a long walk home)