Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON , Week of 1/2
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. After hours and hours of tough negotiation, the most powerful people in America have finally come to an agreement - that's right, if it's a girl, they'll name it Kim, and if it's a boy, they'll name it Kanye.
Some major political news. After months of uncertainty, congress has finally passed a bill to avoid the fiscal cliff. Now that the deal is complete, President Obama is going back to Hawaii to finish his family vacation, while Congress is heading back to their favorite place to vacation: Congress.
While working on a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, members of Congress spent New Year's Eve at the Capitol. Yeah, even the guy watching the Twilight Zone marathon with his parents was like, "Talk about a lame New Year's."
And did you hear about this? There are reports that John Boehner told Harry Reid to go eff himself outside of the Oval Office last week. Then on top of that, Republicans told Reid that if he does eff himself, they won't pay for his contraception.
I heard that Dunkin' Donuts is testing a new line of gluten-free pastries. So if you're looking to eat healthy, still no.
And finally, on Monday night, thieves broke into the Apple store in Paris and stole one million dollars worth of iPhones and iPads. That's right - they took four iPhones and two iPads.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, "Well, that's enough work for the year."
And this is cool. Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they're very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators.
Here's some Oscar news. I heard that older members of the academy are having trouble submitting their Oscar votes this year because for the first time, they are voting online. Yeah, the good news is that "Les Miz" has gotten a lot of votes for Best Picture; the bad news is, most of them were typed into a microwave.
I just read that gyms around the U.S. are reporting a 30 percent rise in membership since New Year's Day. It's true - this morning at the gym, I saw tons of people I had NEVER seen before - yeah, turns out they've all worked there for years.
Check this out. It was announced that one hundred of Beyonce's fans will get to introduce her before the Super Bowl halftime show. Which sounds cool - until you hear that they're each doing it individually. "And now ... here's Beyonce!" "Here she is - Beyonce!" "Guess who's here - Beyonce y'all!"
Get this, you guys. A marijuana club in Colorado is closing after just one day in business because it lost its lease. You can tell it's a weed club, cuz they mean they literally lost their lease. "I don't get it - I put it right here between my bean bag chair, and my rainbow candle shaped like a hand making a peace sign."
While guest-hosting the fourth hour of the "Today Show," Meredith Vieira said the S-word on live TV. Kathie Lee and Hoda were like, "Whoa - you kiss your wine glass with that mouth?"
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Tomorrow is the start of the NFL playoffs! Yep, the Bengals are playing the Texans at Houston; The Vikings are playing the Packers at Green Bay; and the Jets are playing the Giants at Scrabble.
That's right, the NFL playoffs start this weekend. Yep, I can't wait to just plant myself on the couch and watch all the games - or as that's also known, "Tebowing."
Hey, I want to say congrats to "Star Wars" creator George Lucas, who just got engaged to his girlfriend of seven years! Yeah, seven years. Of course, since it's George Lucas, people say the first three were great but the ones after that were kinda disappointing.
Actually, George Lucas's fiancé is 25 years younger than him. Or as his lawyer put it, "May the pre-nup be with you."
Yeah, George Lucas is engaged to a woman 25 years younger than him. When I heard that, I was like, "Chewbacca-wow-wow!"
Get this. Lil Wayne got a new tattoo on his forehead, which features the word "Baked," but he says it's not a reference to marijuana. Seriously? I'm pretty sure any forehead tattoo is a reference to marijuana.
Check this out. Iceland's government is forcing a girl named Light Breeze to change her name because it's not on the approved list of names for girls. "Yes, Light Breeze is a ridiculous name for an Icelandic woman," said Bjork.
Listen to this. A company is trying to bring marijuana vending machines to Colorado and Washington state. They say it'll make millions - and that's just from the one guy who keeps forgetting he already put a dollar in. ("It wants more? It's eating it!")
And finally, I saw that hundreds of people have signed a petition asking the White House to create a TV show that would follow Joe Biden around in his daily life. Even Honey Boo Boo was like, "Dude, that would be hilarious."