Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of December 12 - December 16.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.12.16
Bryan Cranston is on the show tonight! He's starring in the new movie "Why Him?" And believe it or not, it's actually NOT about the election.
A huge political story here. According to the Washington Post, the CIA found that Russia interfered in the election to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Experts say this is the biggest
SCANDAL America's faced for decades, and the biggest
SCANDAL Trump's faced since Friday.
Yeah, they're saying Russia interfered with the election. Of course, Russia faced several obstacles in helping Trump win - namely, Trump. (PUTIN) "Ugh. Was like teaching bear to moonwalk. (Which I have done.)"
Listen to this. The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me two hundred dollars!
But a little controversy here. The
Hallmark CHANNEL is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. Then Hallmark said, "That's not true! None of the actors in our movies are stars."
Oh, this was pretty amazing. Apparently, an Uber driver just set the company's record for longest ride, by driving a passenger 400 miles from Virginia to Brooklyn. Afterwards, the driver said, "Thanks for letting me share my life story, I feel like we really bonded." And the passenger said, (TAKES OUT EARBUDS) "Sorry, did you say something?"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.13.16
Oh, this was pretty big. This morning, Kanye West actually showed up to meet with Donald Trump at Trump Tower. People were shocked -- they didn't expect those two to meet until the first presidential debate in 2020.
And this morning, Trump announced he's nominating ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be his Secretary of State, even though Rex supposedly has a friendly relationship with Vladimir Putin. Today, Rex said, "Putin and I aren't friends" while Putin said, (PUTIN) "That's SO something Rex would say."
You guys, Christmas is less than two weeks away! And get this.
The Weather Channel is already predicting which cities may have a White Christmas. Yep, they say it's never too early to get it totally wrong.
Check this out Apple just said its new "Airpod" wireless earbuds WOULD be available, after reports that they wouldn't be ready for the holidays. When asked what happened Apple said, "We finally found them behind the couch cushions."
Some TV news. After two seasons,
Netflix has canceled its series "Marco Polo." They ended "Marco Polo" the way everyone does - by getting out of the pool and not telling the other person. ("Marco! Marco! Marco?")
And get this. New research suggests that marijuana may work as an aphrodisiac. I guess you'll know a stoner is hitting on you when he sees you at a bar and says (STONER) "Hey there, do I come here often?"
And finally, Researchers at Cornell University have invented a soft robot hand that can touch fragile items and even sense their shape and texture. When asked what they've used the hand for, researchers said, (FAST) "That's not important!" (Don't come in here!)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.14.16
You guys, we're just 10 days away from Christmas! And if you want to know if Santa has you on his "nice" list or his "naughty" list - just ask Russia to hack it for you.
Did you see this? Yesterday, The New York Times published a lengthy article outlining how Russia successfully cyber-attacked the U.S. and influenced our election. Of course most Americans are really upset, saying "The implications for our democracy are -- WHOA LOOK! Kanye's at Trump Tower!" (We gotta tweet about this!)
And I read that the Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Then Hillary said, "I can't believe you'd be so careless with your email!"
And it turns out that two separate Russian hacking groups named Cozy Bear and Fancy Bear were targeting the DNC. It's confusing, cuz "Cozy Bear" and "Fancy Bear" are also Trump and Putin's nicknames for each other. (TRUMP ON PHONE) "Whatcha up to Cozy Bear?" (PUTIN) "Just thinking about you, Fancy Bear."
And get this. When an FBI agent first contacted the DNC to tell them they'd been hacked, the person who took the call thought it was a prank. "Yeah, it happens more than you'd think," said FBI Agent Seymour Butts.
Check this out. Mexican police just discovered two tunnels going from Tijuana to the U.S. Actually, I think now the tunnels are going from the U.S. to Tijuana.
If you're single you should listen to this. I saw that Tinder is available on the new Apple TV app so you can see your matches on your TV screen. It's pretty romantic -- you can go from finding a person with your remote control, to fighting over the remote control with that person.
And finally I read that a British man flew his girlfriend to New York City so he could propose to her at the firehouse used in "Ghostbusters." Afterward, he said, "Who you gonna call?" and she said, "My ex-boyfriend!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.15.16
Well this is pretty big, you guys.
NBC News reports that Vladimir Putin was personally involved in Russia's attempt to hack our election. Putin was very insulted - he said, (PUTIN) "What do you mean ATTEMPT?? We straight up nailed it, homeslice!"
I saw that this week, Donald Trump met with former NFL stars Ray Lewis and Jim Brown at Trump Tower. When asked if he'd offer them a cabinet position, Trump said, (TRUMP) "Only if O.J. turns it down."
Well this isn't good. Last night it was revealed that over 1 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked in 2013. Which means hackers now have access to
BILLIONS of emails that all say, "Hey, can you write to me at my Gmail? -- I never check this account."
Some TV news. I read that a spinoff of the show "How I Met Your Mother" is in the works called, "How I Met Your Father." In the first episode, the mom starts telling the story and the kids go, "Yeah dad already told us this." ("It took forever by the way.")
Listen to this. A new study finds that college students gain an average of ten pounds in college, and not the so-called "Freshman 15." The researchers said, "Don't worry, it's still enough for everyone to notice when you go home for the holidays." ("Looks like you're really enjoying that meal plan, Terry.")
Oh, I love this idea. A British woman was just in the news because she changed her refrigerator so it would dispense white wine instead of water. When he heard she changed water into wine, Jesus was like, "Stay in your lane, girl!"
Check this out. I read that a husband created a digital map with the most popular baby names in America since 1910 to help him and his wife pick a name for their baby. They said it took several months of tedious work, but it'll all be worth it when they introduce their new baby: John
And finally, I saw that a restaurant in the Netherlands is selling a "My Little Pony Burger" made from horsemeat. Yeah, a horsemeat sandwich. When Arby's heard that, they said, "Stay in your lane, girl!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.16.16
We are still in the middle of a big cold snap that's affecting most of the country. In fact I saw that between now and Sunday, below-freezing temperatures are expected in 49 states. Americans were like, "Does Russia control our weather now too??"
Of course, the other big story is Russia interfering with the election. And in an interview this morning, President Obama threatened to retaliate against them. To really punish them, Obama's going to hack Russia's next election to make Trump THEIR president, too. (OBAMA) "See how YOU like it!"
I saw that last night Donald Trump held a rally in Hershey, Pennsylvania as part of his "Thank You" tour. Trump said he loves going to Hershey because it's another place he can get a Kiss without asking.
Some news for travelers. A terminal at New York's JFK airport is being updated with new hotel rooms, ballrooms, restaurants, bars, and a nightclub. While over at LaGuardia, the soda fountain at Cinnabon now has ice.
I heard that a pilot on a recent Southwest Airlines flight made a special announcement to congratulate the passengers because all the alcohol onboard had been consumed during a three-hour flight. Then the pilot said, (DRUNK) "And I'm real sorry you guyz didn't get any." (If you look to your left, you'll see my ex DIANE'S house! And she's probably having dinner with CARL!)
This week, Alaska Air completed a 2.6 billion dollar deal to merge with Virgin America. As the merger was happening, Virgin said, "Be gentle, this is my first merger."
