Check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 4 - April 8
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.4.16: Tomorrow of course is the Wisconsin presidential primary, which could actually be pivotal for the Republican race for President. While Milwaukee has ALREADY played a major role - by making all the beer that's helped us through it.
Over the weekend, Donald Trump told the Washington Post he'll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like (TRUMP) "Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh. I've done it like, five times, it's amazing."
And Hillary Clinton said on "Meet the Press" yesterday that the FBI has not reached out to schedule an interview with her regarding her private email server. When asked how she'd respond to such a request, Hillary said, "Oh, I'd
DELETE it." (I'd
DELETE the HELL out of it.)
Did you see this? A video is making its rounds on the Internet of Hillary Clinton losing her temper when confronted by an environmental activist about taking money from the fossil fuel industry. Yep, Hillary said, "The only fossil I'm worried about is the one from Vermont that I'm running against!"
Some international news. North Korea officially announced it is blocking Facebook. So it looks like someone forgot to write Happy Birthday on Kim Jong Un's wall. "I'm banning the internet!"
And this is pretty crazy. Apparently thousands of jellyfish completely covered a beach in South Florida over the weekend. Then authorities were like (SQUINT) "No wait, it's just a nude beach for the elderly."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.5.16
Well, after weeks of back and forth, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have finally agreed to hold a debate in Brooklyn next Thursday. You know you're in New York when you have to argue over the date of when you're going to argue.
That's right, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have agreed to meet for another debate next Thursday at the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Bernie says he chose the location because of its history, while Hillary liked it because it's remote, poorly lit, and close to the East River.
And Hillary Clinton's top aide Huma Abedin, who is married to Anthony Weiner, said the first time she met Hillary Clinton she thought she was beautiful but little. Which incidentally is also what she thought the first time Weiner texted her a photo.
Over on the Republican side, Ben Carson said yesterday that Donald Trump knows about foreign policy just as much as the other candidates, but is not an expert on Russia. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "That's nonsense - I ordered half my wives from Russia!"
Actually, during a rally last night, Melania Trump pushed back against claims that her husband is sexist, and said Donald treats everyone equally. She was like (MELANIA) "He treat everyone the same, whether they are supermodel, swimsuit model or lingerie model."
Oh this is kind of crazy. I saw that a NASA administrator predicts that we're on track to get humans to Mars by the year 2030. And there's actually a lot of people who want to sign up for the trip. When they asked those people if they're ready for a lonely life where they can only communicate through a screen, they were like, (LOOKING UP FROM PHONE) "What's that?"
This is interesting. A new study finds that some people may be genetically programmed to be vegetarians. So in addition to having your grandmother's eyes, you can also inherit her ability to be difficult at restaurants.
Here's a big international story. More than 11.5 million documents called the "Panama Papers" just leaked, and they link Vladimir Putin to two billion dollars held in secret offshore accounts. And if confirmed, it could be the LEAST bad thing Putin's ever done.
And finally, this is pretty cool. Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Yeah, Doritos, Red Bull and condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, "A gift basket."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.6.16
Of course it's the Wisconsin primary which happened yesterday, and Bernie Sanders won on the Democratic side. Sanders' Wisconsin supporters celebrated by drinking Old Milwaukee, or as Bernie calls it, "Young Milwaukee."
Bernie's win last night marked his sixth straight victory against Hillary Clinton. And when Bernie received a concession call from Hillary, his assistant said, (SCARED WHISPER) "Bernie! The call is coming from inside the house!"
I also read that Bernie Sanders has raised more money than Hillary Clinton for the third month in a row. Bernie Sanders has so much money, now he can't vote for Bernie Sanders. (BERNIE) "I refuse to be in the pocket of Big Bernie!"
And after a rough week on the campaign trail, Donald Trump suffered a big loss yesterday in Wisconsin to Ted Cruz. Or as Trump put it (TRUMP) "I hit a wall. A big wall. And I'm going to have to pay for it."
And get this. In a new study, three in four Americans told pollsters that they were angry because quote "public officials don't care what people like me think." They got even angrier when the pollsters were like "Yeah, I wasn't asking you, I was asking the guy behind you."
Here's some celebrity news. I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, "Blac Chyna." Or as Trump calls that, "his worst nightmare."
That's right, Rob Kardashian got engaged to Blac Chyna, but there's some family drama because Rob's half sister, Kylie Jenner is dating rapper Tyga, and Tyga has a three-year-old son with Blac Chyna, who is now Rob's fiancée. Which would make Tyga... eh, who cares. (I just can't keep up with the Kardashians anymore.)
And I saw that the chair that J.K. Rowling sat in while she wrote the first two Harry Potter books went up for auction today. So if your kid is a big Harry Potter fan, this would be the perfect gift to disappoint them. "It's the chair where a lady sat when she wrote them! Go ahead! Sit in it!"
And finally, there's a new study that shows on average, most couples have sex for about five minutes. Which isn't a big deal - until you remember all those times your parents said you could keep playing outside for five more minutes... (DAD) "Your mom and I are gonna...work on our taxes!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.7.16
Of course, the presidential election has shifted its focus to New York, and lots of the candidates are already here campaigning. It's the first time the city that never sleeps has been like, "Well, goodnight!"
Yep, Hillary Clinton was campaigning in New York today and actually visited Yankee Stadium. While Bernie Sanders spent the entire day looking for the Brooklyn Dodgers. (BERNIE) "Where'd they go?? They were here when I left!"
Over on the Republican side, I saw that Ted Cruz visited a Matzo factory in Brooklyn. Of course, Matzo is the unleavened bread Jewish people eat for Passover, and Ted Cruz is the presidential candidate New Yorkers will definitely pass over.
And get this, I read that Donald Trump seems to have skipped out on his Jewish grandson's circumcision to campaign in Wisconsin. When asked why he wasn't at the ceremony, Trump said (TRUMP) "Getting rid of the top one percent is the other guy."
And finally, a new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, (STONER) "Wait, so this STILL isn't marijuana?"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.8.16
Yesterday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced that he's voting for Donald Trump in the upcoming New York primary. When asked why, Giuliani said, "Because if he wins, he'll have to move to Washington."
Actually Donald Trump announced yesterday he is changing up his campaign staff and adding a "convention manager." Which is the most creative way I've heard someone describe the word "bouncer." (TRUMP) "Get him out!" (Get 'em outta here.)
And Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka just gave birth last week, and I saw that she's already back on the campaign trail for her dad. Ivanka's friends were like, "Shouldn't you be with the baby?", and Ivanka was like, "Yeah, I'm campaigning for him."
Check this out. In a new interview, Bernie Sanders said that he went to Boy Scout camp in New York. You can tell it was a while ago, cuz Bernie Sanders didn't learn how to make a fire at Boy Scout camp, he DISCOVERED fire at Boy Scout camp.
Some business news. I read that Victoria's Secret is cutting 200 jobs. When Victoria's Secret employees heard they were getting a pink slip, they were like, "Great! I'm a medium."
And a man at a Walmart in Missouri has been fired for hugging people to thank them for their business. After being told he was getting fired, the man said, "Oh, I don't work here." (Now bring it in!) (REACH FOR HUG)
