Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - March 28 - April 1
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.28.16: Today, President Obama hosted the annual "Easter Egg Roll" at the White House, and I saw that the theme was "Let's Celebrate." Obama came up with the theme "Let's Celebrate" when he realized it's the last year he would ever have to do this. (OBAMA) "I've pardoned my last turkey, rolled my last egg. God bless America."
I also saw that the Kardashians went to church yesterday for Easter Sunday. The ceremony was beautiful, but it got awkward when the Kardashians went to confession and kept looking for a camera. (KIM) "Where do I talk?"
But here's some good news for Trump. Yesterday, he welcomed his eighth grandchild. It was so sweet when Donald met him, he was like, (TRUMP) "Welcome to the Elite Eight."
Yeah, Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won't visit his new grandson until he learns to "speak English."
Here's a little news on the election. I saw that while covering the Democratic caucuses on Saturday,
CNN had a "caucus cam" set up. Yeah, a camera that just shows pics of your caucus. Or as most people call that, "Snapchat."
Here's some entertainment news. Disney just released the first official clip from its upcoming, live-action "Jungle Book" movie, and the film features talking tigers and wolves. But if you don't feel like going to see it, just smoke some weed and watch National Geographic. (STONER) "Dude, these leopards are hilarious!"
And a new album just came out called "Lullaby Renditions of Rihanna" that transforms Rihanna's hit songs into lullaby music. Which sounds cute, until it's time for the tooth fairy to come and your kid starts singing "Bitch Better Have My Money."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.29.16
Guys, it's now the second week of spring, but New York City was under a high wind advisory all day with wind gusts up to 50 miles per hour. Most New Yorkers went about their daily routines, while Donald Trump went into his panic room.
That's right, the weather here in New York was sunny but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it "the Hillary Clinton." (HILLARY, CRAZY SMILE) "Of COURSE I'm excited to be here in Iowa."
Here's some international news. Fidel Castro wrote a letter addressing President Obama's historic trip to Cuba and said that Cuba doesn't want any "presents" from the U.S. Which, as any husband will tell you, means they DEFINITELY want presents. (Don't fall for it!)
I saw that there's a new documentary about Queen Elizabeth that reveals she still likes to ride horses at the age of 90. She still likes to ride horses. They're coin operated and sitting in front of a supermarket, but she doesn't need to know that.
The documentary also reveals that the queen wears bright colors so people can spot her. And if she forgets to wear bright colors, just remember: she's the one sitting in a chariot, wearing the gigantic, jewel-encrusted crown. That's the Queen.
And this is another weird story out of the UK. I read that a cat in England actually survived for eight days after it climbed into a box and its owner accidentally mailed it. The cat is doing fine, while the person who opened that box no longer has a face. I'd be upset too.
Some local news here. Doctors here in New York will now be required to send prescriptions electronically instead of writing them by hand. But don't worry -the pharmacist will still loudly yell your name when it's ready. "BONER PILLS FOR TODD SMITH? EXTRA-LARGE BOTTLE OF BONER PILLS T-O-D-D Todd Smith."
Another local story. I saw that the Times Square Spider-Man actually wore his costume to court over the weekend to plead not guilty to assault charges. Whereas I wear my Spider-Man costume to court just to get out of jury duty. (CRAZY) "HE LOOKS GUILTY TO ME, YOUR HONOR!! LOOKS LIKE THE QUEEN!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.30.16
You guys, we've got James Spader from "The Blacklist" on the show tonight! Not to be confused with Donald Trump's "Blacklist," which is just a list of reporters who ask him questions. (TRUMP) "I'm suing you for being a reporter!"
Actually Trump was at yet ANOTHER town hall last night along with John Kasich and Ted Cruz. And at one point, Ted Cruz was asked about his weaknesses, and admitted that he's "hard-charging" and has stepped on some toes. Then he was like "but enough about my high school prom."
Ted Cruz was also asked about his favorite snack and he said quote, "Between cookies and cheese, you could have a great party." In related news, Ted Cruz has never been to an ACTUAL party. (LOOKING AROUND) "This party is lame, where are the cookies and cheese?"
A little celebrity gossip here. It's rumored that Justin Bieber recently planned to rent out the Staples Center to watch "Titanic" with his ex Selena Gomez, but wound up canceling it. Bieber and Gomez didn't go - but since they were already there, two janitors in the Staples Center were like, (UNION GUY) "Shall we enjoy this romantic evening, Don?" (You make me feel like the King of the World bro.)
And a little tech news here. A company in Japan is testing a new drone on a golf course that delivers golf balls and refreshments. Yeah, a drone that brings you drinks and gets your golf balls. Or as my dad called that, "Jimmy." "Go into the pond and get my ball. The gators are JUST as scared of you as you are of them."
And here's a local story. New York and New Jersey officials have agreed to reconstruct the Port Authority Bus Terminal here in New York, and the project will cost an estimated 10 to 15 billion dollars. And that's just to clean the bathrooms. (Get FEMA in here!!)
Hey if you like weed and live in Colorado you might want to listen to this. Apparently a "cannabis club" in Colorado is giving away free joints to people who volunteer to clean up parts of the community. But they have learned the hard way to hand out the joints AFTER the volunteers did their jobs. (STONER) "Hey I picked up this leaf! Where do you want it?"
Oh, this is cool. I saw that Disneyland is opening in Shanghai this summer. Marking the first time in China that parents are happy they could only have one kid. ("Whew, only costs 600 dollars for a family of three.")
Actually, Lego announced yesterday that it's gonna start making Disney-themed Legos. You can tell they're Disney Legos when you step on one and go, (LION KING YELL) "NAAAAAA SOWHENYAAAAAAAAA!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.31.16
You guys, tomorrow is April Fools day! Which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, (TRUMP) "Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can't believe you dummies let it go on this long!"
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton said Republicans are trying to act like President Obama's not still president. Also doing that? President Obama. (He's going to Cuba, doing the tango in Argentina. He's basically checking off his bucket list.)
And this is interesting. I read that if Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties' nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. (TRUMP) "King me!"
That's right, Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, (BERNIE) "Ahhh - my first campaign!" ("Those were good times!")
Let's get to some sports here. I saw that the Mets' Citi-Field just unveiled some new menu items that include Nutella stuffed fried rice balls, deep fried cheesecake on a stick, peanut butter pretzel coated bacon on a stick, and a 38 ounce rib chop. It's a delicious menu, plus you get to beat traffic after the game by riding in an ambulance.
And finally, this is pretty cool. I saw that Chipotle is considering opening a new restaurant that specializes in hamburgers. That's right, after what their burritos did, Chipotle now wants to ruin a NEW set of buns.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.1.16
You guys, we have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on the show tonight! Which means right now, Donald Trump is unlocking his basement going, (TRUMP) "Oh no! He escaped!"
And get this. I saw that Jeb Bush is going back to giving speeches after his failed run for the Republican nomination. He's actually a very talented motivational speaker, because after you listen to his life story, you feel GREAT about yourself.
And this was a pretty big deal today. Tesla unveiled it's new model 3 electric car and I saw that fans were camping outside Tesla stores to reserve one. Camping out is actually great practice for when their cars run out of juice 30 miles from the nearest outlet.
