Below, check out quoatables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' - March 21 - March 25:
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.21.16: Of course, the big story is President Obama's historic visit to Cuba that's going on right now. And I saw that after landing yesterday, Obama immediately tweeted out, "What's up Cuba?" Then Cubans opened up a window and yelled, "We don't have the internet!" (It's still 1955 here!)
Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted that Raul Castro disrespected the President by not greeting him at the airport. Seriously?? Our countries have been enemies for 60 years - I can't even get my BEST FRIEND to pick me up at the airport! (Thanks for nothing Higgins.)
Meanwhile,
MITT Romney announced on Facebook that he will vote for Ted Cruz over Donald Trump in tomorrow's Utah caucus because he doesn't believe John Kasich can actually win. And if there's one thing Romney's an expert on, it's not winning.
Yeah, a lot people actually think John Kasich would make a good pick for Vice President, but Kasich said in an interview yesterday that he will not be vice president under any circumstances. When he heard that, Joe Biden was like, "Seriously?! I did it for a 20-dollar gift card to GameStop."
Oh, this was a pretty big deal. On Friday, Hulk Hogan was awarded 115 million dollars in a lawsuit against Gawker for posting a video of his sex tape. Gawker's lawyers say they are appealing - which is more than you can say for the Hulk Hogan sex tape.
And did you see this? NASA astronaut Jeff Williams just left Earth on a six-month mission that will allow him to surpass the record for most time in space set by Scott Kelly. The men said it's not a competition-they both hate their families equally. (Uh, I left my wallet in the space station, see you in six months.)
This is interesting. A new study found that the sound you make while chewing can affect the amount of food you eat. And SIGNIFICANTLY affect the amount of food OTHER people eat. "You almost done with that banana, Carl?"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.22.16
Well, here's the latest on President Obama's trip to Cuba. I saw that over the weekend, he and his family were photographed on a walking tour of Havana in the pouring rain. Which means the president is like everyone's dad on vacation: if he paid for the non-refundable tour, you're going on that non-refundable tour. (OBAMA) "It's just a sprinkle, gang! Put on your ponchos!"
Obama also spoke in Cuba yesterday and said that U.S. airlines will start making commercial flights to Cuba this year. But first, Obama said he wants to see a greater respect for human rights - not in Cuba, at LaGuardia. (Are those live chickens coming through baggage claim?)
And here's the latest on the election. In an interview with
CNN last night, Ted Cruz was asked about being Donald Trump's vice president and said quote, "I have zero interest whatsoever." Which is also what Cruz's friends say when he invites them to dinner. "You could've just said no!"
Bernie Sanders recently spoke at the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona and said, quote, "we don't need a wall." Then Bernie said, (BERNIE) "But then again - I also told Noah we didn't need an Ark, so who knows??"
This is kinda crazy here. I read about a
DOCTOR WHO is spending a year in Antarctica to study the effects of living in isolation. When asked how it's going, he was like, (FREAKING OUT) "Who said that?! Did I say that?!
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.23.16
Well, here's the latest on the election. Three more states went to the polls yesterday, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, (OLD) "There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election."
I read that Utah registered almost 60,000 people to vote in the Republican caucus online. You know the nominees aren't very popular when people will only vote if they can do it in their underwear. "I like Cruz, but not enough to put pants on."
Meanwhile, Donald Trump said yesterday that a lot of politicians who say they're against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, "Guilty!" ("You got me!")
And did you see this? An editor for The Washington Post says that Donald Trump actually hit on her after she asked him a question. To be fair, the question was, "What do you consider torture?" (TRUMP) "Going on a date with me?
But check this out. There's a website called "Vote Trump Get Dumped" dot-com that's asking women not to sleep with Trump supporters. Or as Melania put it, (ACCENT) "What is name of this site again?"
And in some recent interviews, Hillary Clinton's older supporters say they were drawn to her because of her experience and foreign policy background. While Bernie Sanders' older supporters are drawn to him because he makes them feel young.
And get this. I read that a topless woman recently interrupted a Bernie Sanders rally. I guess Bernie didn't really mind because her outfit was missing the top one percent.
Oh, this is a pretty big deal. I saw that Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme court.
And a little local news here. A bill was introduced last week over in New Jersey that would outlaw texting while walking. The bill is being strongly opposed by anyone who's ever watched someone on their phone walk into a lamppost. It's pretty funny.
Oh and Chipotle is still trying to bring back customers, and now they've even launched an online game where you compete for free food, called "Guac Hunter." And then you get to play an offline game called "Bathroom hunter." (Where there are no winners.)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.24.16
I saw that Donald Trump and Ted Cruz feuded this week after an attack ad featured a nude photo of Trump's wife, Melania - and Trump threatened to retaliate against Ted Cruz's wife, Heidi. And while Trump and Cruz were arguing, Melania and Heidi quietly escaped. ("Let's go!")
Yeah, Donald Trump is furious over an ad featuring a nude photo of Melania Trump. Trump's mostly furious because it's the first time he's seen Melania naked in years.
And listen to this. I read that the State Department is having to hire more staffers to review all of the requests that are being filed for Hillary Clinton's emails. Or as Hillary put it, "See? I'm creating jobs already!"
But here's some good news for Hillary Clinton. Yesterday, she received the endorsement of Rolling Stone magazine. While Bernie Sanders received the endorsement of KIDNEY Stone Magazine. (BERNIE) "I've been on the cover more than any other person!"
Hillary also targeted Donald Trump's recent comments on foreign policy saying if Trump gets his way, "it'll be like Christmas" for Russia. Then Russians were like, (RUSSIAN) "So...we all get a potato in sock?" "In Russia Santa get shoved down chimney."
Oh, I thought this was interesting. A new study found that women with natural blonde hair had a higher average IQ score than brunettes and redheads. So for all you natural blondes out there, (EXPLAINING) a higher IQ means you're smarter. (It's a good thing!)
And finally, I saw that two trucks carrying beer and Frito-Lays chips got into an accident in Florida, causing snacks and beer to spill out onto the highway. So if we just add a truck full of recliners and televisions, I think we've just found my dad's retirement spot!
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.25.16
You guys, we have Amy Adams from "Batman vs. Superman" on the show tonight! In the movie, she plays the luckiest reporter in the world. Not because she gets to date Superman, because she doesn't have to cover this election.
And during voting on Tuesday, Bernie Sanders tweeted a list of hotlines for his supporters to call if they had questions or issues while voting. While if Bernie needs help, he just presses his LifeAlert button.
I read about a parrot that actually hangs out at a Bernie Sanders campaign office in Tennessee. So if you want to hear someone repeat everything Bernie Sanders says, just wait two weeks for Hillary to say it. ("Uh... We need to redistribute the wealth!")
Actually, here's some good news for Hillary. I read that George Clooney e-mailed Hillary Clinton supporters a letter endorsing her for president. Or as Hillary put it, (WISTFULLY) "That's one e-mail I'll never delete..."
And with marijuana
BECOMING legal in some many places these days, they're really looking into how it can effect people who use it. And one new study says smoking marijuana regularly can lead to antisocial behaviors at work and even lying to get a job. Then stoners said, (STONERS) "You lost me at 'work,' and RE-lost me at 'get a job.'"
Yeah, a study that took almost 40 years shows that regularly smoking marijuana can make people worse at their jobs. When asked how they knew that, researchers said, (STONER) "Cuz that study was only supposed to take two years, man!
