BWW Recap: SURVIVOR- BLOOD VS WATER Premiere 9/24; Full Results!

It's a big night on CBS. Before a winner can be crowned on BIG BROTHER 16, SURVIVOR's gotta make a comeback, coming in hot with its 29th season premiere. And I mean hot. Like really hot. I've never been to San Juan del Sur, but a preliminary Google search tells me that the humidity can get up to 100%. Phew.

I've watched SURVIVOR since I was a kid-- gosh, am I dating myself or the show? At this point, I don't even know-- and I've always enjoyed cheering on as contestants crawled through pits of sand and their own sweat, dove into murky fathoms to retrieve sunken relics, and roasted rats on a spit. I even remember my 9 year old self, innocent eyes all agleam, thinking, When I grow up, I'm going to do that. Now, a little older, a little wiser, I know that cicadas make me cry, that meatloaf repulses me, and that I once almost drowned in a four foot pool. Clearly I am not cut out for this game. Instead, I will continue to live vicariously through these contestants, dissecting their every move, and probably judging them, let's be real, because I could definitely do a better job. Really. That's the basic mantra of every coach potato/SURVIVOR fan, isn't it?

This season, SURVIVOR's going old school and returning to a classic twist first introduced two seasons ago. Okay, so maybe not so old school and maybe not so classic, but it's still pretty good. BLOOD VS WATER, pitting loved one against loved one in the ultimate battle to become sole survivor. Oh, yes. Imagine the potential drama that could unfold, the lies, the sabotage, the backstabbing, the showmances. It's practically Shakespeare.

Unlike the first edition of BLOOD VS WATER, which featured returning contestants and aired in 2013, this season's chock-full of fresh faces-- although you may recognize twin sisters Nadiya and Natalie Anderson from THE AMAZING RACE, or Reed Kelly from Broadway's SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK. I, for one, am pretty jazzed to see these newbies don their tribal buffs. I hope they are here to actually play, not to make friends, and-- oh my goodness, I don't realize how ruthless I truly am until I start talking about SURVIVOR-- I just hope this cast has some real power players. There's nothing worse than a season ending with a Woo-like floater sitting before the jury. Remember Woo? From Season 28? Dude had a heart of gold, but man oh man, did he not deserve that second place spot. Give me more Tony Vlachoses. (That's totally the plural of "Vlachos," by the way. I, like, looked it up.) Give me more players who are willing to lie, cheat, and steal to make it to the top. Give me more drama.

Okay, I'm starting to scare myself. Anyway, tune in with me as I recap this season of SURVIVOR: SAN JUAN DEL SUR-- BLOOD VS WATER. I'll be checking back in during commercial breaks to add my two cents, or eighty cents, knowing my overly wordy self.

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8:00 Alright, here we go, lovely readers. It's 7:59. A mere Lexus commercial away from showtime. I can barely type, I'm so excited. Anaaand, there's the helicopter. Here we go. Oh, and we already have monkeys. And crabs. Excellent. Shout out to pretty much all of these contestants for being able to make fire so quickly--it's probably the single most necessary skill to perfect before coming on this show, and yet so many people still have trouble with it. Reed Kelly knows what's up: if you're gonna be on Survivor, you gotta know how to make fire. Fact.

And let me say, Probst is in fine form tonight. Let's hope he had his favorite blue button down dry-cleaned since Cagayan.

Ah yes, the division of the tribes. Blood vs water. Blue vs Orange. And for the life of me, I've already forgotten the tribe names.

The first reward challenge of the season, with husband and wife, Jeremy and Val taking the honors. One will win fire and food for his or her tribe, while the other will be sent to Exile Island--wait, what? Exile Island? Say it ain't so, Jeff! The loser of this contemption will miss out on primo tribal bonding time, which, honestly, may be even more important than any reward. Well, I'm certainly nervous.

Poor Val. She put up a good fight, but it just wasn't enough. And to add insult to injury, now Jeremy has to send someone from his own tribe to join his wife on Exile Island. Hardly seems fair. Oh, true Prince Charming move, he picks legitimate woodsman Keith as Val's exile buddy. Nice.

8:25 Barely halfway in, and already our first alliance is starting to take shape on the blue tribe. I'll never understand why people think it's a good idea to make alliances with people they quite literally just met. How could you trust someone so quickly?

Over on the orange tribe, Dale finds a, er, poker chip? You know what, you're right Dale. That could definitely come in handy in the future. Better hang onto it.

Okay, wait, that may have been sarcastic, but now I'm totally team Dale. The guy literally just MacGyvered an actual fire using his glasses. Now that's a player I can get behind.

8:39 Uh oh, somebody's already discovered John Rocker's deep dark secret: that he's John Rocker. Polarizing, controversial, and consequently a pretty easy target?

8:49 How nice, Val and Keith are welcomed back into the loving arms of tribes that now have to act like they didn't just meet these people for two minutes yesterday. Bonds form quick on this show. Just in time for the first immunity challenge. I don't know why I even bother listening to Jeff explain the rules of these challenges; I never really know what he's talking about. And it's only the first episode, so I don't even know who to root for. Oh actually, Dale. My favorite bespectacled firestarter. So I guess I'm cheering on the orange team--see, I've already forgotten their name again.

It always comes down to the puzzles, doesn't it? It could be a total runaway, and then out of nowhere, some dummy mucks up the works and it's game over. Ah, yes, case in point: the blue tribe wins immunity. Bummer. That orange tribe better not vote my buddy Dale out.

9:07 Happy faces all around on-- oh my gosh, what is the name of this tribe?! Whatever. The blue one. Back on, uh...Coyopa-- haha! I remembered!-- strategy is kicked into high gear. And there's talk of voting Nadiya off because of her Amazing Race history. That's a little bogus. Looks like it's going to come down to her or Dale, with Josh as the swing vote. I'm already stressing out.

9:18 Oh, I love tribal council. The music. The torches. The mood lighting. The Probst dramatics. I'm so torn, because I do like Nadiya, but Dale's my boy. I'm a little surprised Val's name never really came up during the pre-council strategizing. Seems like it would have been the easy way to go.

Wait, actually, Nadiya, girlfriend, you need to check yourself, because you are just one flagrant comment away from Josh sending you packing. And you don't even know it.

Oh, yup, there you go. The tribe has spoken. Nadiya is voted off the island, and Good Guy Dale lives to see another day. Thank goodness.

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Well, there you have it, SURVIVOR fans! Season 29 is officially underway! What did you think of the premiere? Have you already picked your favorite to go all the way? Let me know in the comments below!

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Photo Credit: Monty Brinton | CBS