Good morning/night/afternoon fellow Bachelor fans! We have officially reached the most boring episode of the season! This is the uncomfortable point where there are only three normal gals left (as normal as you can get while still going on a nationally televised program to find a spouse), and Chris is so, so confused for the cameras, but secretly knows that this is the time to sow his wild oats (ha ha get it? Cause he's a farmer? The best jokes are the ones you have to explain) before committing himself to the lady he knew he was going to pick from Day One.
Wait, this episode is going to be the most dramatic one ever? Then I'd better pay attention! We leave the country for the first (and I fear only) time this season, to head to Bali, home of temples, pashminas and incredibly kind people. Chris does his Bachelor-y duty by declaring his deep need for "clarity" as he faces three seemingly incredible women: Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney. He gazes at the ocean (sea? Where the hell is Bali? Are we eating praying or loving here?) and blah blah blah on to the first date in this overinflated two-hour episode that I can sum up in sixty seconds or less.
Kaitlyn is up first! I love me some Kaitlyn, but damn I hope she loses, as I can't imagine any of these other women being a better Bachelorette than she. They start their outing at a temple, where they participate in a spiritual ritual (Is that redundant? Is it a spirit ritual? Or a spi ritual? What the heck is a spi?) that involves balancing baskets on their heads and praying, all while NOT kissing. Chris refers to Kaitlyn as his girlfriend, which brings me back to when I dated "James" in college even though I knew he was dating other girls at the same time, but refused to acknowledge it cause I was soooo sure I was gonna win. Spoiler alert, I didn't. Kaitlyn and Chris go to a monkey park (?) and let the super cute aggressive mean little creatures run all over them, tolerating urination and banana theft. Sounds like a typical night at the #1 party school in America, which The Bachelor is essentially the Ivy League version of. Producers unfairly force Kaitlyn to compare love to being a monkey, as she gamely says, ""I definitely wish I could be more like a monkey and go after what I want." I have no words. Somehow craving bananas for breakfast though.
Their date continues that evening, when the humidity in Bali has apparently reached record highs and no one on Team Bachelor wants to give Kaitlyn a brush. Her biggest concern is that she feels she has a guard up, but she doesn't want that to ruin their chances at a future in Iowa. Remember when she stepped out of the limo on the first night and said he could plow the f*ck out of her field anytime? If that's having a guard up, then I'm a virgin on the eve of my second marriage.
Chris hands Kaitlyn the date card for the infamous Fantasy Suite (can't we call it something else now? The Naughty Room? The Hall of Awkward Conversations Followed By Falsely Promising But Ultimately Mediocre Sexual Escapades?), and she says, "I can't imagine..." giving us one single second of false hope that she is going to be a good role model and decline before she finishes, "...saying no to that." She declares that she is falling in love with him, and he returns the sentiment, making for a rather shocking moment in Bachelor-land. They NEVER show him confessing his love! He must really mean it.
Fantasy Suite #1 be damned, Chris meets Whitney the next day on a big giant wooden pirate boat yacht for a private sail in the ocean (sea? Where the hell are we?). His greatest concern is Whitney's career, as she is successful, ambitious and educated, all characteristics that maybe Chris didn't expect to find in a woman, thus throwing him completely off his game. After discussing her sister's denial to give Chris her blessing to propose to Whitney, they make peace with the fact that she was only looking out for Whitney when she denied Chris, which makes absolute sense to most of America, considering he is literally dating multiple other women on national television at the same time. But love is like a reality TV show as they jump into the sea (ocean? Lost? Jack, Kate, are you there?) and Whitney definitively declares that she is in love with him and has no doubt that this is the man she is going to marry. #TeamWhitney
That night at dinner, Chris still has questions, as he is obviously intimidated by her career and wants to be sure she is genuinely willing to give up everything she has worked for to move to Arlington, Iowa and do essentially.nothing. She admits that because she didn't actually SEE Arlington, she is at a disadvantage, but her main desire in life is to be a wife and a mother. Her career is her backup plan, and she will be more than happy to give it up to fulfill the rest of her destiny. Crazy how that is super sexist when someone else expects that to be your life plan, but really beautiful when you genuinely choose it for yourself. Oh, Whitney, if he doesn't propose to you, I hope you are never subjected to being The Bachelorette and maybe just marry Chris Harrison instead. Whitney says something uncharacteristic of this show and makes my future husband (huge props to Colin Donnell for putting up with my late night typing and for refilling my wine glass without my even asking) feel real feelings: "Life takes you places and it's not where you are, it's who you're with." Don't be mad if I use that in my wedding vows. (Also, shoutout to my "Fly By Night" family! Life is not the things that we do, it's who we're doing them with. Miss you guys.)
The Fantasy Suite card comes, she says duh, they shut the doors. Boom.
Next up is Boring Becca, who is so so lovely but maybe has the IQ of a singular bocce ball. Chris and Becca wander the countryside and visit a farm, which is the worst date ever considering she may be spending the rest of her life on one. He takes her to yet another temple, where the Balinese love gurus advise them to "make love," which is super awkward because Becca is a virgin. You probably didn't know that, cause she hasn't mentioned it A BILLION TIMES this episode alone. Never thought you would want Ashley I. back, am I right?
The evening date begins with Becca's secret still under wraps. Chris is concerned that she has never "been in love" before, which I guess means I had "been in love" at least seventeen times at her age. They talk about things and stuff he's falling in love with her and zzzzz
Sorry, I'm awake. Man, she's boring. The Fantasy Suite card arrives, and Becca chooses NOT to reveal that she has never
seen a penis had sex until they get INSIDE the
Sex Dungeon Fantasy Suite. Once inside, she gathers up all of her courage, and he can't help but imagine the worst. You have 47 kids? You're already married? You're a Red Sox fan? Nope, just a sexually ripe flower waiting to be shown how to do everything exactly the way he wants her to do it. Yeah, he's cool with that.
We still have 48 minutes to go, so there is a lot of gazing over horizons and almost crying and consulting of Chris Harrison before we get to the Rose Ceremony. For some reason, they decide to hold it in yet ANOTHER temple, with all of the girls wearing beautiful traditional Balinese clothing. Leave it to America to insult a whole country's heritage by having a man dump one of his three serious girlfriends in their holy space. Chris takes Becca aside, giving America false hope that the finale may actually be super fun instead of just 50% interesting, but alas, they have a fifteen minute conversation that ultimately leads nowhere before he leads her back in and gives roses to her and Whitney. Meaning the Amazing Kaitlyn is on her way home.
Kaitlyn, I'm sad to see you go cause I love you, but I'm so hopeful that you will be our next Bachelorette. Just think: the rooster crowing during your final breakup is the last rooster you may ever have to hear. #nofarmsforyou
Photo Credit: Terri Eddington
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