Below, check out quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of November 3 - November 7
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.3.14
Well, yesterday was the New York City Marathon - and runners Wilson Kipsang and Mary Keitany from Kenya won the men's and women's divisions. Yeah, Wilson and Mary. So hey, at least American NAMES are winning marathons.
That's right, Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City marathon. You can tell she was fast cuz guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their cat calls. (BROOKLYN GUY, TURNING FAST)"Hey baby, lookin'...oh, never mind!"
She was fast. Experts say it's one of the most impressive races they've seen a woman run - then Hillary said, "Stay tuned."
Yeah the politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader
Harry Reid recently sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats, with the subject line, "I'm begging." Cuz what better way to show you're a strong leader than acting like you're drunk-dialing your ex. (DRUNK) Jussa gimme 'nother chance to pass immeggration reform.
Oh this was big. NASCAR drivers
Jeff Gordon and Brad Keselowski started a brawl on Sunday after Keselowski's car gave Gordon a flat tire and made him lose the championship. It got even weirder when someone's teeth got knocked out, and a couple fans came over and stole them. (HICK) "Lookie here - I got myself a brand new chomper!" You don't want to see that kind of stuff.
And this was just crazy, last night, daredevil
Nik Wallenda successfully completed a tightrope walk of over 500 feet between two Chicago skyscrapers. Yeah, and then he took part in an even more dangerous stunt - walking through Chicago on the GROUND.
This was nice. This weekend, everyone got to set their clocks back one hour for Daylight Savings Time. Yeah, it felt so good to gain an hour...til I lost TWO hours going to my parents' to change the clocks on their VCR, microwave, coffee-maker. What? Huh? What? I changed the clocks? What? Changing the locks? No the CLOCKS! Huh? What? How do you guys live with each other?
And this made me laugh. An employee at New York's Health Department has been suspended for 20 days, get this, he's speaking to customers in a robot voice when they called in to complain. Which got weird when he was like, (ROBOT) "I knew this job wouldn't last with my speech impediment. What am I gonna do now?"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.4.14
Of course, today were the midterm elections. And while we still don't know the official results, the Washington Post is predicting that there's a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and the New York Times says that there's a 75 percent chance. And
CNN was like, "Wait, that's TODAY?!"
I read that
President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually CLOSED at the White House. It's a whole new Secret Service security thing.
And during a speech on Sunday,
President Obama said to the crowd, "We've got to vote... Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote." Which went on for an hour, until someone finally fixed his teleprompter. Vote Vote...
Yeah, Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you want students to participate in something, maybe don't call them MIDTERMS.
Check this out. Researchers in the UK have determined that the song "Wannabe" by the
Spice Girls is the catchiest pop song after most people could identify the tune in just 2.3 seconds. Or, just long enough to say, (BRITISH, FAST) "Turn it off!"
Oh, I thought this was interesting. According to a recent study, babies hear three times as many words from their mothers than they do from their fathers. When my wife heard that, she was like "That's so fascinating!" While I was like (SHRUG) "Cool."
A weird story here. I read about a man who paid 50 thousand dollars to buy the naming rights for a baby giraffe born last week at the Dallas Zoo. You can tell the guy's going through something when he named the giraffe, "If I can't have this money, SHE can't have this money." I just want to name the giraffe, I don't want the giraffe.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.5.14
The big news of course is the midterm elections. Last night, Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War 2. Or as they put it, "Time to party like it's 1939!"
And they also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. Man, I haven't seen the GOP get this many seats since
Chris Christie made an airline reservation.
But this is cool. Last night, Congress got its 100th woman which gives it the highest female presence in history. I'm sorry, HER-story.
And I saw that Republican
Scott Brown lost his bid for Senate in New Hampshire last night, two years after he was voted out as Senator in Massachusetts. When asked what he was planning to do next, he said, "Are they still looking for a mayor in Toronto?"
Well, this isn't good. Verizon and AT&T are facing criticism after it was revealed that they use "supercookies" on smart phones to track users' Internet activity. Americans were like, "That is a total violation of our---wait, did you say supercookie??"
Some TV news. Yesterday,
Donald Trump confirmed the cast of the new "Celebrity Apprentice," which includes
Fox News contributor
Geraldo Rivera. Though it's gonna get awkward when Trump's hair starts barking at Geraldo's mustache. (TRUMP, PAT HEAD) "Down boy!" Down boy!
Here's some good news. Last week, the World Health Organization announced that the number of new people infected with
EBOLA appears to be declining in Liberia. Unfortunately that number went up again when everyone in Liberia heard that, and high-fived each other. ("DAMNIT!") Ughhh.
Well, the holidays are coming up. And JC Penney announced that it will open its doors at five in the afternoon on Thanksgiving Day. So now, all you have to do is find one of the three remaining JC Penneys. Good deal. Good deals. "I think I see one! No, never mind."
This was pretty embarrassing. Last weekend, rapper
Iggy Azalea split her pants open while she was performing at a bar mitzvah. Or as that's also known, "Judaism meets bootyism." It's a rare occurrence when it happens.
Get this. According to new research, sitting for long periods of time could be linked to chronic diseases and may even cause you to die sooner. Or as people trapped at their jobs put it, "Good." I hate this job.
And finally, I heard that Red Lobster is reworking its menu to include more lobster. When asked what they meant by "more lobster," they said, "SOME lobster."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.6.14
Now that the midterm elections are over,
President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, (OBAMA) "Oh, I'M not gonna be there." I just invited them over, they can
FIGURE IT OUT themselves.
And did you see this? After
Michael Jordan recently criticized
President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan was like, "You really wanna talk about whose team got crushed this week?" (You got POSTERIZED son!)
Some more political news. On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. And this is interesting - she's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are like, "Not buyin' it." (Should I make a wish?)
Yeah, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. This was great news for the state's African-American community - the Utah Jazz.
This is cool. During a charity benefit last night, someone paid 300 thousand dollars for a guitar lesson, a motorcycle ride and a lasagna dinner at Bruce Springteen's house.
Chris Christie was like, (CONCERNED) "Has somebody been reading my dream journal??" All too real.
Well this is exciting. There's a rumor that
THE TODAY SHOW is going to hire
Kate Middleton's younger sister, Pippa, as a news correspondent. It goes to show you that if you work hard and go to journalism school, you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister married a prince.
I don't know what to make of this. A group of researchers here in New York have found that babies are not afraid of heights. In a related story, a group of researchers are under arrest. (LOOK UP, HOLDING CLIPBOARD) "He's still not crying - lets go to the roof." What are we doing? I don't want to be a part of this.
And check this out. A company in California says that they plan to start selling 3-D printed liver tissue by the end of this year. And today, doctors released a statement, calling it, quote, "gross." (Ew. I do NOT want to see that printer get jammed.)
And finally, a nursing home in New Jersey is making news for selling a calendar that features its residents in the nude. You can tell the models are old, cuz Miss April's picture actually ends in June.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.7.14
I'm so excited. We have
Jay Leno is on the show tonight! He brought some really funny jokes, and some great stories. Though I'm a little concerned, cuz he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. Want to make sure he's comfortable, but not too comfortable.
Oh, I read that
NBC Sports will air a special that will follow
Tom Brokaw as he goes pheasant-hunting in South Dakota. And this is cool - he doesn't even shoot them, he just talks to them for two minutes until they go to sleep. (BROKAW) "
Winston Churchill had the wherewithal to wade into war, waving around weapons."
And I saw that in an effort to boost ticket sales, the country's largest movie theater chain, Regal Entertainment is adding motion, smells, wind, rain, and even bubbles to certain theaters. Or you could go the cheaper route, and watch
Netflix on your phone in a carwash.
A lot of people are excited about this. This week, McDonald's is bringing back the McRib. And get this - one executive said, quote, "the McRib comes back when it wants to come back." Then people were like (HOLDING STOMACH) "Yeah, and it also LEAVES whenever it wants to as well."
I didn't really know what to make of this. General Motors is offering people 25-dollar gift cards to get them to bring their cars in for a recall due to bad ignition switches. Yeah, that's where we're at as a country. GM offers to fix a problem that could kill us, and we're like, "Yeah, but what's in it for me?" You throwing a gift card in there? I want a free latte out of this."
