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DANIELTOSH on Twitter

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http://www.twitter.com/DANIELTOSH
1/18 @ 6:49 PM
danieltosh - great day for the "12th man," seahawks win a thriller and thunder up big at the half.

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1/18 @ 6:31 PM
danieltosh - congrats to the "12th man"!!!!! never doubted.

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1/18 @ 5:56 PM
danieltosh - the "12th man's" seasonal affective disorder will be in beast mode tonight.

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1/18 @ 5:39 PM
danieltosh - does the "12th man" get to shower with the team? or do they just drive home knowing they had no impact on the game?

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1/18 @ 5:25 PM
danieltosh - maybe it's always been less about the "12th man" and more about having to travel to another country.

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1/18 @ 5:23 PM
danieltosh - maybe the "12th man" should try to mix it up a bit. try being quiet for a half... equally distracting.

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1/18 @ 5:20 PM
danieltosh - can the "12th man" go in for their qb?

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1/13 @ 12:16 AM
danieltosh - we can only pray urban meyer's fake heart problem doesn't flare back up.

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1/9 @ 1:41 PM
danieltosh - wolf blitzer reporting breaking news is like listening to fred willard calling the mayflower kennel club dog show.

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1/6 @ 3:24 PM
danieltosh - RT for asparagus piss, FAV for bloody-looking beet poop

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1/4 @ 2:38 PM
danieltosh - "and i'm aids riddled rob lowe and i have cable."

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1/4 @ 2:20 PM
danieltosh - every time eli's brother sings, "chicken parm you taste so good" i pray for a fatal neck injury.

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1/4 @ 1:38 PM
danieltosh - big game for the dolphins today on espn classic.

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1/2 @ 12:07 AM
danieltosh - the battle of the asshole coaches is really coming down to the wire.

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12/16 @ 8:24 PM
danieltosh - the average woman spends 2.5 years of her life deleting photos of herself.

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12/14 @ 3:55 PM
danieltosh - ...but will they cover?

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12/12 @ 9:47 PM
danieltosh - kobe wouldn't care if the lakers lost tonight 32-100, as long as he has all 32 and breaks the record.

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12/7 @ 4:06 PM
danieltosh - hey @miamidolphins, instead of #strongertogether, i'd settle for a few selfish studs and a head coach with some balls.

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12/7 @ 4:03 PM
danieltosh - no one hates the @miamidolphins more than a dolphins fan.

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12/3 @ 6:56 PM
danieltosh - if you’re wondering why i canceled my uk tour, it’s because you limey prudes just banned my two favorite types of porn: fisting & squirting.

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12/2 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - i did it!

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12/2 @ 10:00 PM
danieltosh - your last chance to tweet hate speech at me this year starts now. #seasonfinale #tosh

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12/2 @ 9:30 PM
danieltosh - exciting news! a never before seen star wars trailer will debut during tonight’s #seasonfinale #tosh. see you in 30 mins!

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12/2 @ 7:49 PM
danieltosh - just heard christian bale is a huge fan of mine. might have to start checking out some of his work.

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12/2 @ 3:47 PM
danieltosh - the second best thing about cops being forced to wear body cameras is all the sweet vids i’m gonna get for my show.

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12/2 @ 1:24 PM
danieltosh - another 30 episodes in the books! #tosh #seasonfinale tonight! #puke #titties #nude ...and @dougstanhope! who could ask for anything more?!!

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11/25 @ 10:39 PM
danieltosh - #beefbabyjesus to all and to all a #beefbabyjesus

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11/25 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - before you slip into bed, what’s your favorite memory of #beefbabyjesus? i’m retweeting serious #beefbabyjesus memories only. #beefbabyjesus

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11/25 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - on the minute before #toshchristmas, my true love gave to me, a large wall of plastic dancing dicks.

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11/25 @ 9:45 PM
danieltosh - #toshchristmas in 15!! that gives you just enough time to find any dipshit who's celebrating movember and punch them in their dumb mustache

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11/25 @ 9:00 PM
danieltosh - it’s not officially christmas season until you watch tonight’s #toshchristmas special. see you naughty little fruitcakes in an hour!

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11/25 @ 6:32 PM
danieltosh - i left a million dollars in an overseas bank. first 30 people there in a mask get it. hand the teller a note that says “give me the money!”

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11/25 @ 2:49 PM
danieltosh - there’s no better way to bring this amazing melting pot of a country back together than with my annual christmas episode tonight. #toshohoho

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11/25 @ 1:07 PM
danieltosh - for every “look at me, i’m on the right side of this issue” tweet a comic sends out, they owe us 50 funny ones.

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11/18 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - thanks for watching. here’s an encore: http://t.co/MlyI85wRFb #tosh #househuntersthemusical

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11/18 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - places everyone, 1 minute to curtain!

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11/18 @ 9:28 PM
danieltosh - neil degrasse tyson has declared tonight's new #tosh 100% scientifically accurate. suck it, interstellar. see you in 32 minutes, my angels.

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11/18 @ 8:31 PM
danieltosh - hey @hgtv, make sure you watch tonight’s new #tosh. i did you gals a solid. please feel free to contact my peeps about giving me a 3rd home.

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11/18 @ 4:17 PM
danieltosh - if i’m not asked to host the tony awards after tonight’s new #tosh, then fooey on all of you! #sonervousandblessed

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11/18 @ 1:50 PM
danieltosh - i met the love of my life. now let’s just hope she doesn’t give me aids. http://t.co/BThv7EswnK

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