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DANIELTOSH on Twitter

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http://www.twitter.com/DANIELTOSH
12/16 @ 8:24 PM
danieltosh - the average woman spends 2.5 years of her life deleting photos of herself.

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12/14 @ 3:55 PM
danieltosh - ...but will they cover?

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12/12 @ 9:47 PM
danieltosh - kobe wouldn't care if the lakers lost tonight 32-100, as long as he has all 32 and breaks the record.

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12/7 @ 4:06 PM
danieltosh - hey @miamidolphins, instead of #strongertogether, i'd settle for a few selfish studs and a head coach with some balls.

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12/7 @ 4:03 PM
danieltosh - no one hates the @miamidolphins more than a dolphins fan.

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12/3 @ 6:56 PM
danieltosh - if you’re wondering why i canceled my uk tour, it’s because you limey prudes just banned my two favorite types of porn: fisting & squirting.

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12/2 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - i did it!

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12/2 @ 10:00 PM
danieltosh - your last chance to tweet hate speech at me this year starts now. #seasonfinale #tosh

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12/2 @ 9:30 PM
danieltosh - exciting news! a never before seen star wars trailer will debut during tonight’s #seasonfinale #tosh. see you in 30 mins!

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12/2 @ 7:49 PM
danieltosh - just heard christian bale is a huge fan of mine. might have to start checking out some of his work.

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12/2 @ 3:47 PM
danieltosh - the second best thing about cops being forced to wear body cameras is all the sweet vids i’m gonna get for my show.

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12/2 @ 1:24 PM
danieltosh - another 30 episodes in the books! #tosh #seasonfinale tonight! #puke #titties #nude ...and @dougstanhope! who could ask for anything more?!!

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11/25 @ 10:39 PM
danieltosh - #beefbabyjesus to all and to all a #beefbabyjesus

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11/25 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - before you slip into bed, what’s your favorite memory of #beefbabyjesus? i’m retweeting serious #beefbabyjesus memories only. #beefbabyjesus

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11/25 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - on the minute before #toshchristmas, my true love gave to me, a large wall of plastic dancing dicks.

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11/25 @ 9:45 PM
danieltosh - #toshchristmas in 15!! that gives you just enough time to find any dipshit who's celebrating movember and punch them in their dumb mustache

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11/25 @ 9:00 PM
danieltosh - it’s not officially christmas season until you watch tonight’s #toshchristmas special. see you naughty little fruitcakes in an hour!

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11/25 @ 6:32 PM
danieltosh - i left a million dollars in an overseas bank. first 30 people there in a mask get it. hand the teller a note that says “give me the money!”

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11/25 @ 2:49 PM
danieltosh - there’s no better way to bring this amazing melting pot of a country back together than with my annual christmas episode tonight. #toshohoho

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11/25 @ 1:07 PM
danieltosh - for every “look at me, i’m on the right side of this issue” tweet a comic sends out, they owe us 50 funny ones.

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11/18 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - thanks for watching. here’s an encore: http://t.co/MlyI85wRFb #tosh #househuntersthemusical

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11/18 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - places everyone, 1 minute to curtain!

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11/18 @ 9:28 PM
danieltosh - neil degrasse tyson has declared tonight's new #tosh 100% scientifically accurate. suck it, interstellar. see you in 32 minutes, my angels.

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11/18 @ 8:31 PM
danieltosh - hey @hgtv, make sure you watch tonight’s new #tosh. i did you gals a solid. please feel free to contact my peeps about giving me a 3rd home.

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11/18 @ 4:17 PM
danieltosh - if i’m not asked to host the tony awards after tonight’s new #tosh, then fooey on all of you! #sonervousandblessed

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11/18 @ 1:50 PM
danieltosh - i met the love of my life. now let’s just hope she doesn’t give me aids. http://t.co/BThv7EswnK

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11/11 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - i'll see you guys next week. i'm heading to africa to meet 12 lovely ladies!

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11/11 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - for the record, i freestyled the entire show tonight. #tosh starts now.

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11/11 @ 9:31 PM
danieltosh - in 29 minutes, sit down, crack open a nice microbrew IPA, pour it down the sink because it tastes like shit, then tune in for a new #tosh

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11/11 @ 9:09 PM
danieltosh - just got word from the surgeon general that if enough people watch #tosh tonight, we can cure moderate to severe crohn's disease forever.

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11/11 @ 9:07 PM
danieltosh - tune in for tonight's very important, must see 'think piece' on internet culture in contemporary america. #tosh

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11/11 @ 3:01 PM
danieltosh - i know myspace isn’t a thing anymore, but i still constantly tell my friends when they’re in jeopardy of not making my top 8.

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11/11 @ 1:37 PM
danieltosh - .@directv some fans record multiple games. add a black bar feature to block the bottom scroll! …now give me free service for tweeting at you

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11/11 @ 1:03 PM
danieltosh - good luck trying to suspend me @espn after tonight’s new #tosh. they drew first blood, not me.

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11/4 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - you guys really dropped the #beefqueef ball. we only made it the 2nd most important thing in the world today. http://t.co/WLYbJUFIKr

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11/4 @ 10:00 PM
danieltosh - have america hear your voice by making #beefqueef the top trend on twitter. let's take back our country!!! new #tosh now.

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11/4 @ 9:29 PM
danieltosh - hey #beefqueefs, new #tosh in 30 mins. #beefqueef sexy #beefqueef

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11/4 @ 9:01 PM
danieltosh - nobody spoil the election results for me, I’ve got them dvr’ed!! new #tosh in less than an hour!

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11/4 @ 3:41 PM
danieltosh - i know i’m a little late, but lena dunham did WHAT to bill cosby?!?!?

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11/4 @ 1:21 PM
danieltosh - hey, thing online that everyone is freaking out about, nobody in the actual world cares.

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