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DANIELTOSH on Twitter

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http://www.twitter.com/DANIELTOSH
4/28 @ 10:31 PM
danieltosh - goodnight. i will dream of you all for the next 7 days.

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4/28 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - if you're at a sports bar, grab the remote, turn on my show, and tell everyone to shut their gd pieholes! #tosh starts now!

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4/28 @ 9:32 PM
danieltosh - for all you kids trying to get lips like mine…stop it…it is not safe. see you in 28 minutes!!!

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4/28 @ 8:44 PM
danieltosh - on behalf of all native americans... and non-native americans, i demand that adam sandler pay us reparations for his comedy.

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4/28 @ 6:18 PM
danieltosh - i want everyone to watch my show tonight, so have a bud light or two, because i am not taking ‘no’ for an answer. #tosh

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4/28 @ 1:59 PM
danieltosh - i enjoyed the bruce jenner interview because it showed the jenners are compassionate while the kardashians will always be #kunty

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4/28 @ 1:23 PM
danieltosh - just found out my favorite crab cake establishment faidley’s was affected in the baltimore riots. #nowitspersonal

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4/28 @ 1:19 PM
danieltosh - if mayweather can go 12 rounds without landing any meaningful punches on a ring girl, i’d call the fight a success. #8yearstoolate #nothanks

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4/28 @ 1:13 PM
danieltosh - it’s tuesday, so by law i am required to tweet today. #tosh

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4/14 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - see you next week. please visit my kickstarter to help me raise enough money to have more money. #tosh

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4/14 @ 10:00 PM
danieltosh - i have decided to steal kevin hart’s mantra for tonight only! #tosh now!

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4/14 @ 9:45 PM
danieltosh - put your kids to bed and murder your talkative significant other. new #tosh in 15.

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4/14 @ 9:38 PM
danieltosh - you and only you are allowed to tell me if i take it too far tonight #stolenvalor https://t.co/e8vn1u5YDT

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4/14 @ 9:30 PM
danieltosh - tonight’s new #tosh is a 3 hour special if you watch it 6 times back to back. see you in 30.

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4/14 @ 9:17 PM
danieltosh - the browns couldn’t even be the oregon ducks of the ncaa.

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4/14 @ 6:47 PM
danieltosh - a big thank you to all who participated in helping me solve california’s drought problem. see your tweets on tonight’s #tosh

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4/14 @ 6:47 PM
danieltosh - a big thank you to all the fake soldiers who made the ultimate sacrifice by appearing in “stolen valor” videos. #tosh

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4/14 @ 3:07 PM
danieltosh - just watched “the greatest qb of all time” dirt it 15 feet short of home plate. your rings are a lie. cute shirt tied around your waist.

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4/14 @ 3:03 PM
danieltosh - as part of #tosh fan appreciation night, just send me your w-2’s and i’ll handle your taxes.

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4/11 @ 10:12 AM
danieltosh - who would you take at the start of the third round, jordan spieth or the field?(i took the field) #themasters

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4/8 @ 4:36 PM
danieltosh - help! give us idiots here in cali tips on saving water. i will broadcast to the world only the most innovative next week. #toshdroughttips

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4/3 @ 11:38 AM
danieltosh - !! @tompapa has a show this tue at @LargoLosAngeles w @billburr @tomsegura and many more (i will also be performing) http://t.co/RNjX14TcyJ

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4/1 @ 3:50 PM
danieltosh - wonder what brenda’s baby is up to. she’d be 24ish, making brenda 36. #tupacsnotdead

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3/31 @ 10:31 PM
danieltosh - thanks everybody for watching me. send me your phone numbers. i’ll shoot you that text later.

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3/31 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - planning a meet-up for all of my followers tonight, but only if every single one of you retweets this. #tosh starts now.

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3/31 @ 9:31 PM
danieltosh - tonight i teach all you frat bros a chant that will keep you out of trouble and get you mad respect from all that sweet poon on ho row!

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3/31 @ 8:21 PM
danieltosh - my big complaint about an open concept home is the judgment i feel from the help while i’m trying to relax in peace for 7 hours.

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3/31 @ 8:06 PM
danieltosh - women won’t have real equality until they stop wearing high heels. $800 shoes? they’re uncomfortable? and they objectify you? men win again.

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3/31 @ 7:51 PM
danieltosh - tonight’s new #tosh has been cleared by both fatty chicks and jews. #evolving

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3/31 @ 3:12 PM
danieltosh - on tonight’s new #tosh, i’m putting atheists on blast. scientology, you’re up next week. #teamjesus

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3/31 @ 1:20 PM
danieltosh - to be fair to trevor noah, all foreign comics are at least a decade behind us in what they think is funny. #fakeoutrage

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3/29 @ 12:37 PM
danieltosh - i never break eye contact with my babies while they poop. http://t.co/R6ihX5L8Ac

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3/24 @ 10:30 PM
danieltosh - good night. here’s the link to the #toshroast so you can memorize it word for word. http://t.co/c4egJQXm8K

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3/24 @ 10:25 PM
danieltosh - here’s a bunch of your tweets that i didn’t think were funny enough for my tv show. http://t.co/HDupflmEzN

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3/24 @ 9:59 PM
danieltosh - i heard you was talkin' trash. hold me back i'm bout to spaz. #tosh

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3/24 @ 9:47 PM
danieltosh - #toshroast is tonight! thanks to all who wrote horrible things. i know you only tease me because you respect my comedy. see you in 13.

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3/24 @ 9:35 PM
danieltosh - bitch, who do you love?

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3/24 @ 9:16 PM
danieltosh - now i'm four-five minutes from wildin' #tosh

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3/24 @ 9:00 PM
danieltosh - tonight’s #tosh is my citizen kane, my mona lisa, my hit me baby one more time, my nights in rodanthe, my jumbaco, my ronald reagan.

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3/24 @ 5:38 PM
danieltosh - “tonight’s redemption on #tosh made me the biggest wwe wrestling fan” says @joerogan (he didn’t, but he might)

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