Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, September 14 - September 18
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.14.15
Oh, big political news here. On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It's too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry - you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race. (There's still like 500 of them left!)
When Rick Perry made his announcement, he said quote, "I step aside knowing our party is in good hands, as long as we listen to the grass roots." Which I think is political speak for, "I'm getting my ass handed to me, so I'm just gonna duck out the back if that's cool."
Of course, the remaining candidates are gearing up for the second Republican debate, which will take place this Wednesday on CNN. It starts at 8 p.m. and ends when
Donald Trump runs out of air.
Speaking of Trump. I heard that his star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood was vandalized last week with a yellow "X". When they asked Trump about the "X" he said (TRUMP) "Be more specific. I have many exes."
I saw that yesterday,
Chris Christie actually got pretty mad because Chuck Todd brought up the Bridgegate
SCANDAL during his appearance on "Meet the Press." And also cuz Christie THOUGHT the show was called "Press the Meat." (CHRISTIE) "I even brought my own panini maker!!" It's a different show entirely.
Some big TV news. Today,
NBC announced that
Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the next host of "Celebrity Apprentice." Yeah, not only did they take the job from Trump, but
NBC added insult to injury by giving it to an immigrant.
Yeah,
Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna host "Celebrity Apprentice." The first challenge? Figuring out what Arnold wants you to do on "Celebrity Apprentice." (ARNOLD) "YOU GOT TO MAKE A LEMONADE STAND AND SELL THE MOST T-SHIRTS TO THE BUSINESSMEN!"
And finally.... In a recent interview,
Elton John said he would like to meet with Vladimir Putin to discuss gay rights in Russia. Putin said he was flattered and moved by the offer, then added (PUTIN/STOIC) "No."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.15.15
Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn't using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at
Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher. (BUSEY, HOLDING CARDS) "Sorry, sir! I'm sorry. Pineapples. Spaceship."
It seems like everybody's weighing in on Trump. In fact, the creator of "Dilbert" predicted that Trump will win the presidency, and also compared him to Jesus. And people hope he's right - cuz they would LOVE a three-day break from
Donald Trump.
And in an interview on "The View,"
DR. PHIL said that angry Americans are living vicariously through
Donald Trump. Yeah, "The View,"
DR. PHIL and
Donald Trump. Or as ears call that, "The Bermuda Triangle." That's too much!
And this isn't good. I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb's
BAGGAGE and he was like, "You lost my brother?!"
And over on the democratic side, we have Bernie Sanders, who recently said he is concerned about what he called "war talk" coming from the Republicans. Yeah, "war talk." Or as Dick Cheney calls it, "Phone sex." (CHENEY) "I can't wait to invade you...Tell me what kind of nukes you're wearing."
And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he's felt "used" by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, "Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!" (DUMB GUY) "Can you please help my fantasy football team win this weekend?"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.16.15
I'm your host,
Jimmy Fallon. And if you're watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!
Yeah a big night for politics, and a big night for us here, we have Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton on the show tonight! And we have rapper Fetty Wap on the show tonight! Did somebody say "running mates"?
And as you can imagine, with
Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives...It's tight.
And get this Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like (GIVING UP/DESPERATE) "Can I do that? I don't want to be here!"
And get this, a conservative Super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend one million dollars on campaign ads attacking
Donald Trump. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Make it two million and I'll STAR in them!" ("My poll numbers will just go up anyway!"
Listen to this. A donor that gave Rick Perry five million dollars said this week that he wants his money back. Which only got worse when Rick Perry was like, (PERRY) "But I spent it on these magic beans!"
And this isn't good here. I saw that according to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower. (OLD) "I like Ike! Where did he go?"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.17.15
Of course, it's last night's Republican debate on CNN. And one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. While marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. "I wasn't anywhere near that dude."
Actually, one of the moderators for last night's debate was a talk show host named Hugh Hewitt. Yeah, Hugh Hewitt. That sounds like
Tom Brokaw arguing with his wife over who's gonna do the dishes. (BROKAW) "HUGH Hewitt! I don't wana Hewitt. Hugh Hewitt!"
Actually as the election heats up, everyone seems to be weighing in. In fact, in an interview on "The View,"
DR. PHIL said that one of the reasons
Donald Trump is so popular is that angry Americans are living vicariously through
Donald Trump. Yeah, "The View,"
DR. PHIL and
Donald Trump. Or as ears call that, "The Bermuda Triangle." That's too much!
And this isn't good here. I saw that
David Allen Coe, the writer of the famous country song "Take This Job and Shove It," was charged with tax evasion and owes the IRS almost half a million dollars. Which explains his new song called (ON PHONE) "Uh...yeah, about that job." (I didn't mean it. It's a song.)
And finally, a little more TV news. I read that NASA is working to create a new channel that broadcasts live video from space in super-high resolution. Also super-high? The people watching the NASA space channel. ("Dude I think this is a re-run."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.18.15
And over on the democratic side, people are starting to get worried about
Hillary Clinton's slow response to all the negative headlines about her. When asked if that was a valid criticism, Hillary was like, (LONG PAUSE) "No." (LONG PAUSE) "It's not."
Of course, a lot of people are getting excited about the pope's upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned. (NERD) "I'm workin' on a Lego manger for Christmas!"
And here's some movie news.
Naomi Watts said that in preparation for her latest movie, "The Sea of Trees." she and costar
Matthew McConaughey actually wrote "love letters" to each other. At first, McConaughey didn't want to write the love letters, but then he was like, (MCCONAUGHEY) "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
