Below, check out a week's worth of quotables from "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON" October 27 - October 31
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.27.14
Halloween is just a few days away! And get this, I saw that the Obamas have invited children to go trick-or-treating at the White House on Friday. Which will be fun, til the Secret Service tackles a kid and goes, "WE FINALLY GOT ONE!" We nailed them, he's dressed like a ninja turtle, he tried to get in here!
Of course the big story is still Ebola, especially here in New York. Well, during a press conference last week, Mayor
Bill de Blasio tried to asssure New Yorkers that they will not get
EBOLA from riding the subway. Yep, he says he has a foolproof plan for driving germs off the subway: mariachi bands.
That's right, Mayor de Blasio said New Yorkers will not get
EBOLA from riding the subway. He said, "Please everyone, let's focus on the actual thing you might catch on the subway: SARS, bird flu, rat flu, West Nile, East Nile, Pole Rash...plenty to choose from! Ebola's way down on the list."
This is cool. I saw that Queen Elizabeth recently sent HER first tweet.
Prince Charles was like, (BRITISH, ANNOYED) "Call me when she sends her LAST tweet." Hey! C'mon! Who lives this long? Give me a break. She's a vampire! She doesn't see her reflection when she looks in the mirror. Please,
Prince Charles.
And this is cool. I saw that astrophysicist Stephen
HAWKING joined Facebook last week, and his first post was about his quest to find out what makes the universe exist. His second post was accidentally putting his ex's name in the STATUS bar rather than the SEARCH bar. (HAWKING VOICE) "Why do they put them so close together?" I mean what's up with that?
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.28.14
I saw that
President Obama and
Michelle Obama went to parent-teacher conferences at their daughters' school this week. The teachers say their daughters are doing well, but with a few billion more in education funding, they COULD be doing GREAT! Wink wink.
Some political news. During a campaign event yesterday, former presidential nominee Bob Dole told the crowd that
MITT Romney should run for President in 2016. Cuz if there's anyone who knows the third time is the charm, it's the guy who lost three times.
And I saw that
Chris Christie has not tweeted about anything except
EBOLA since last Thursday. Yeah, he's got people in New Jersey so scared, now they actually WANT him to close the George Washington Bridge. Don't let anyone in! Or out!
But we're not the only ones worried about this thing. In fact, North Korea announced last week that they are closing their borders to all tourists to prevent the potential spread of the
EBOLA virus. When they heard that, people who LIVE in North Korea were like, (FAKE COUGH). I guess I gotta go?
Listen to this you guys. Starbucks says it's coming out with a new Chestnut Praline Latte next month. That's right, "Chestnut Praline Latte." Sounds less like a drink and more like a stripper giving her full name. (I am Chestnut Praline Latte. Praline was my grandmother's name.)
And I heard about a pumpkin patch in California that is home to the world's largest corn maze, which spans across 60 acres. That's right - the world's largest corn maze. It's a great place to take the kids, drop them off...and start a new life. Don't look back.
Here's a local story.
Taylor Swift announced that she will become New York City's new tourism ambassador. New Yorkers said, "How can we let a woman who's not even from New York welcome people to the city?" Then the Statue of Liberty said, (FRENCH) "I know - it is just crazy, right? It really is."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.29.14
I saw that next month,
Joe Biden is scheduled to make international stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco to discuss foreign policy issues. While his advisors are learning how to say "we're sorry" in all three languages. (He didn't mean it -- Sorry, "Meni shkoda.")
And this isn't good. The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution
SCANDAL has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute. Which explains why
President Obama just appointed an Irony Czar.
That's right, David Nieland, the man investigating the Secret Service prostitution
SCANDAL was caught with a prostitute. So I guess this story doesn't have a happy ending. Um..actually it did, but then it didn't. (He's just screwed. I mean, the whole thing blows.)
I don't know what's more surprising-- that they caught him with a prostitute, or that the Secret Service actually caught someone.
And this was big story yesterday. An unmanned rocket carrying over five thousand pounds of supplies for the International Space Station exploded yesterday right after take-off. Officials say nobody was hurt, while the astronauts waiting for toilet paper were like, "Speak for yourself!" (I had to use an old moon rock!)
And I saw that the Library of Congress is inviting Americans to share their Halloween photos, so that it can select a few to be added to the national archives. You know, so one day future generations can look back and say, (CONFUSED) "So everyone was a slut back then?" Slutty barista.
And finally, I heard that China is getting its own version of the reality TV show "Big Brother." Or, as it will be called in China, "No Sister."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.30.14
Oh, this was big news. This morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook officially came out as gay. Good for him. But knowing Apple, a NEW Tim Cook will probably come out next week.
Yeah, Apple CEO Tim Cook came out as gay. Then this afternoon, the CEO of Samsung came out as being even GAYER. (Always competing those guys. It's not right in this day and age.)
Hey Halloween is tomorrow you guys! And get this, I saw that a group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, "White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and...we're alcoholics aren't we?"
And according to a new study, "Good & Plenty" is the most Googled candy in New York. Usually with the words "Why are?" BEFORE it, and "awful" AFTER it. I actually like them. What are they, licorice?
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.31.14
I want to wish everyone a Happy Halloween! It seems like people are going all out with their costumes this year. In fact last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers went as the Knicks.
That's right, the Cavaliers lost their season opener against the Knicks last night, in LeBron James' first game back in Cleveland. LeBron actually felt a little slow and awkward out there. Then he looked down and realized Dwayne Wade was STILL hanging onto him. (TRY TO KICK OFF) "Dude - let go!! It's time to leave."
Of course the other big story is still Ebola. And now health officials in countries affected by
EBOLA are encouraging people to stop shaking hands, and instead give an "Ebola handshake," which is when you bump elbows with someone. Which would be a great idea - if they hadn't spent the past five years telling us to SNEEZE INTO OUR ELBOWS. Get your story straight. Then you crotch bump everyone. "How you doing?"
