Coming Out- Does it get easier?

[Marianne2]

I just needed somewhere to get this out. I understand if nobody cares.

 

I guess my story is a bit different than most people because I identify as being bi-romantic asexual. I am not against a relationship with either a man or woman, but I don't find myself sexually attracted to either. I realize I have always been this way. Like I have definitely had opportunities to hook up with people for sex, but it never felt right. I have also never brought home guys or girls,  which all 3 of my sisters did with guys when we were growing up.  I also think any time I claimed to want to get married or have a boyfriend was because everyone else I know did and it was probably more that I was feeling lonely and abandoned versus actually wanting someone.  So I am no longer pretending that I just haven't met the right person to have sexual relations with because I really just don't want to and feel sort of repulsed at doing anything like that.  This feels like more than saving myself for marriage or being prude. 

 

So, last night after an argument with my mom, I told her. She wasn't mad and more supportive than I thought she would be.  However,  I don't think she quite grasped the asexual concept.  Like I think to her it just means you just go on with your life and surround yourself with friends and that's it. But, there is so much more and I'm not sure how to explain things like there are asexual people who date  and do have sex. And why I would like asexuality to be represented more in media. And I don't know if I should feel offended when she mentioned it making sense because of the things I like. 

 

There is also a part of me who doesn't even want to tell my friends because 95% of them won't understand,  will tell me we need to find me a guy and I'll change my mind, tell me I'm just trying to feel special, or will find me to be the most repulsive person ever. I know my uncle is against anything except for heterosexual relationships. I also know a lot of people from my parent's church because I went there until I turned 19. I guess I want to be able to live my life the way I want without the judgment.  I still need to tell my dad and am not sure how my sisters will react.  I know 1 thinks Trump will be a better president than Clinton.  And that hurts since he is such a bigot. 

 

Sorry if this was not interesting or worth making fun of. I'm seeing Shuffle Along in an hour so I will not see anything until I get out. And thanks for listening to those who do care.

[TheGingerBreadMan]

The most important thing that you need to remember is: you are valid. No matter what anyone says, no matter what anything thinks, you are entirely valid and deserve the same support as anyone. 

Asexuality is a relatively foreign concept to a lot of people, and it is more than possible for it to take time for them to even understand what it is or that a person can feel that way. Don't try to rush your friends or family. Doing so can create lots of unneeded stress, tension, and anxiety. While you likely want them to understand and accept it immediately (there is nothing wrong with that), allow them to come to terms with it on their own. Instead, you can try to explain to them what it is and what it means to you, and encourage them to open their minds to it.  

As for being biromantic, I would say essentially the same thing as above. They may not embrace it right away, but make them aware of the fact that it's who you are and it's not going to change. 

I hope this helps. Good luck with everything, and remember: you are 100% valid.  

[ArtMan]

Marianne2, I just read your post.  I really don't know you.  The only opinion I can give about you is from reading your past posts.  We became members on Broadwayworld approximately the same time.  The one thing I can say from the years of reading, that you come across as an intelligent, sensitive and caring individual.  I don't know a thing about asexuality.  So forgive me, if this is a wrong comment.  Someday, eventually, the right person, male or female will come along.  You just haven't met the right person yet..  And if you don't, it doesn't matter.  I personally, have the opposite problem.  I have no problem having sexual relations, I just don't want or need a live in partner.  I have too many personal issues to deal with a live in partner.  I know my future is to be myself.  But I am happier with that decision then the issues that I believe will come along with a partner.

[ArtMan]

double post

[Dave19]

Thanks for the post! I think it's very interesting and good that you share it. I have always been interested in people's sexual orientation and how it is formed.

 

I think that when you feel something (or don't feel something) it doesn't really matter where it comes from, your feelings are valid no matter what. But it is still interesting to learn more about it.

 

When I speak for myself, I am gay, I found out when I was about 11, got into puberty and noticed I got turned on by other guys. Now, relationships are not for me, I just don't understand relationships at all. I feel like people start relationships with people they don't even know and I think that it takes an average of 2 years to know someone a bit, I also think most relationships are based on a person's own ego instead of how special the other person really is, and that many people have many exes so they seem redeemable and I am fascinated by how people who are together for longer than 10 years treat eachother in public places, but let's not get into all that. I have a good life, I love my job and have an occasional date and friendships. I have encountered a lot of different people who call themselves bisexual, and because I didn't really understand it, I learned more about it. Most of bisexuals say : "when I am with a man, my desire for a woman disappears completely. But maybe in a few months it's different". But then I think it is not that person's sexuality. Because if the sexual identity is there, it is always there. It is not something you can just switch off. You always have a sexual longing for men and women. So you think about that longing when you see a movie and identify with the attraction of a character/storyline, walk in the street, flirt with people on work or masturbate. Your sexual orientation is part of who you are in daily life including all little thoughts. It is not that a gay guy is suddenly not interested in the gender "male" anymore if he has a boyfriend. A sexual orientation is always there. So the sexual longings for men and women are always present if you are bisexual, as the orientation is based on the presence of those feelings for both genders. If people say "but it comes and goes, I am just attracted to personalities and not to gender" then they are in fact not bisexual, but pansexual. That means an attraction to personalities instead of gender. So no sexual aspect.

 

Now there have been studies and some people say that attraction can generally be divided in 3 types. Social attraction, emotional attraction and sexual attraction. People often get these things mixed up and therefore often their sexual identity does not match their actual behaviour.

Social and emotional attraction do not determine your sexual orientation.

While heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality are based on the presence of the sexual attraction, asexual and pansexual are based on the absence of it.

 

I would love to know how you experienced puberty and maybe it's way too personal of a question but do you ever masturbate? Do you have any sexual pleasure or have you not felt anything like that at all? Because then you are on your own, but those longings always come with certain thoughts or fantasies. So regardless of if you ever want a partner for relationship or want to have sex with an actual person I am curious if you have ever experienced anything like that, while being on your own.

 

Have you ever thought of that? Because you say you do feel certain things for man and women, more romantic like, then you could also be pansexual? I am just trying to figure out the difference between a complete physical absence of any arousal (no connection between brain and genitals), even when being alone, or more not feeling comfortable being with another person, do you know what I mean?

[Cupid Boy2]

TheGingerBreadMan said: "The most important thing that you need to remember is: you are valid. No matter what anyone says, no matter what anything thinks, you are entirely valid and deserve the same support as anyone."

I want to echo this. Many people aren't quick to embrace what they can't fit into a box, but always remember that you are worthy of living the life that is right for you. And only you know what that entails. Your friends and family not understanding quite yet doesn't make that any less valid. If you believe in your worthiness, that's all that matters. I know how hard it can be, but strive everyday to love yourself and to be authentic. 

I'd highly recommend you read a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. As someone who has struggled with the repercussions of the perceptions of others, it's really helped me.

[Jane2]

Marianne, I don't see why your lifestyle could impact anyone else's life. I notice that you want to tell your family about it. Fine, but I wish you could tell them without having to be defensive or explain anything further. That's the way you are and that's it! Take it or leave it.

i can relate somewhat because although I've been sexually very active in my youth and engaged once, I now see that marriage would never have worked. I love being alone and also the thought of sexual intimacy is repulsive to me most of the time.

[WhizzerMarvin]

ArtMan said: "The one thing I can say from the years of reading, that you come across as an intelligent, sensitive and caring individual.  

 

I have to second this. I've always thought of you as one of the sweetest people on this board.

Maybe you will surprised by how many will actually understand, although of course you know your friends and family better than anyone here could. Look how far (straight) society has come in regards to embracing gay people. In the past 5-10 years I think a lot of good knowledge and understanding has been spread about bisexuality and asexuality won't be far behind. I think when you initially tell people you're biromantic people may often ask, "Does that mean you're bisexual?" You will probably even develop a little spiel to explain what biromantic means. 

The people who truly love and care about you will just want you to be happy being you. It sounds corny, but it's true. And what else can you be but you? 

This feels like it's weighing on you and that's not good. To answer your question- does it get easier- the answer is yes. You figure out who you are and surround yourself with people who love and accept you as such. This doesn't always happen overnight, but I believe you're "good people" and like will attract like. :)

Thanks for sharing. 

 

[Dave19]

WhizzerMarvin said: " I think when you initially tell people you're biromantic people may often ask, "Does that mean you're bisexual?" You will probably even develop a little spiel to explain what biromantic means. 
"

 

I agree, people might wonder what you mean by that. Because studies have shown that both men and women of all sexual orientations have emotional attraction and social attraction to both women and men, with the general focus on women a little more by a few percent. It is the sexual attraction that determines the romantic/sexual direction. Romantic is described as something that flows out of this sexual basis, but is something different than social or emotional attraction.

 

[Jane2]

There's npthing wrong or negative with your lifestyle  Marianne. I hate to see you having to explain or defend it to anyone.

[Marianne2]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I will just try to be more patient with people and keep reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I think what gets me worried is that it seems like there is a huge pressure from society where sex is the most important thing in life when it shouldn't have to be. I mean, if it is for you, great. But, not everyone feels that way.  

I've also always been pretty insecure with myself. I hate it. And people can be cruel. Like my 1 of my sisters told me I was a lesbian when I was about 12 or 13 because I listened to a lot of female singers and had posters on my walls of like Kristi Yamaguchi and Mariah Carey. She made it sound like a bad thing, which I know now isn't, if it were true. And she also made some rude comments a a bachelorette party implying that she thought I was still a virgin and it was not okay. I wasn't thinking about asexuality yet.  

Dave19-That's actually an interesting question. I have never had any desires about having sex unless I was just saying things to fit in. I definitely notice if males or females are good looking, but , but that's as far as I ever feel like going.  

I guess I am just going to have to take this 1 day at a time and not expect everthing to change overnight.

[Jane2]

Marianne, one last thing. You are you, that's how 

 God or nature or whatever made you and if someone else has a problem with that then it is exactly that - their problem. And keep in mind that there are plenty of others, maybe millions who feel the way you do.

[Dave19]

Yes, don't focus on what other people might think. This is just about you. Your story, your body and your right to decide how to live.

Just find out what you do like and don't like to do (also when you are on your own, having complete privacy) and see what thoughts come up or not. You don't have to share that with any other person.

[Petrichor]

Marianne2 said: "Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I will just try to be more patient with people and keep reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I think what gets me worried is that it seems like there is a huge pressure from society where sex is the most important thing in life when it shouldn't have to be. I mean, if it is for you, great. But, not everyone feels that way. "

 

There's always going to be that sort of pressure in society, but you just have to trudge through it as best as you can. It will all be worth it in the end, and when you do get to that point you will feel such relief and "coming out"  in new situations will become second nature. You will learn that people will either accept you or they won't, but that won't change how you accept yourself. Just like everyone else said, you are still you, and it will take some time for you and your loved ones but it will get easier! Go at your own pace, though. There's no rush! And it should go without saying, at the end of the day you do not owe anyone anything!

 

Gender and sexuality are such intricate subjects, and most people as a society fail to realize that there's more to it than just being gay or straight, or man or woman. The great thing about the internet today is that there are so many people, young and old, who are going through similar experiences where they are unsure or scared or don't know what it is they are feeling...and they can learn about all of these identities and how each identity falls under its own spectrum(examples: it's possible for lesbian women to be attracted to men, or asexual people to have sex/think people are attractive whether that is aesthetically or sexually, etc.), and possibly discover themselves by being able to relate.

 

I myself am still growing and learning because of this, and I believe that is something that will always happen in life anyway. I've just turned 22 and have finally discovered in the past year or so that I am demisexual, which falls under the asexual category. I didn't always identify as this, because back when I thought I was a lesbian in 7th grade or bisexual throughout high school I didn't even know such a thing existed, but I know of it now and I know I've been this way all along. It makes sense now. On the other hand, I am genderfluid so because of that I personally still sometimes struggle with figuring out whether I am panromantic or homoromantic! It can get frustrating because all of these different labels can get complicated, and everyone has different thoughts and experiences, and of course there IS that pressure to label yourself in the first place but I know in time it will all piece together. 

 

I am terribly sorry if any of that was messy or confusing, but I just wanted to share my own experience with you so that you would hopefully be able to see there are more people similar to you out there! Oh and of course, if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, feel free to message me! I am not the best at talking or wording things, but I always love to listen. I wish you the best of luck.

[Jay Lerner-Z]

An article about asexual pride on the BBC website, if you're interested.

Sexuality is a gift from God and thus a fundamental part of our human identity

Coyness around asexuality is, then, understandable. A recent study from researchers at Yale University asked 169 self-identified asexual people to write an open-ended account of the development of their asexual identity and the disclosure of that identity to others. In many cases, the people interviewed described their revelations being met by friends and family with disbelief. One respondent was told: “You’re not a tree.” Another that it was “just a phase” and that they’d feel differently once they met the “right person”, an argument long and damagingly used to try to convince homosexual people that they are, in fact, lovelorn heterosexuals.

 

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20160621-i-have-never-felt-sexual-desire