People having trouble making and keeping plans

[Jane2]

I'd like to hear feedback about this issue.

It seems that nowadays, much more than in the past, people have trouble making and keeping plans. For instance, I usually let the other person pick the day for a get together, because I'm retired and flexible. Most of my friends still work. Anyway, they pick the day and the time. In my mind, that is what the plan is. Then, before the date, the friend asks to change the date. Ok, that's fine with me.  Then, when it's closer, they either need to cancel and reschedule, or, right at the last moment, they're running late.

This all is not okay with me. I mean, there's nothing I can do about it, but it makes me angry. I have put that day aside and am ready at the right time. If it becomes a habit with certain people, I actually have to stop seeing them, to avoid getting this annoyed and angry. I'd rather spend time alone, anyway!

But I'm curious if others are experiencing this.

[After Eight]

I haven't  experienced this.

But why not try to look at it in a more positive light? If you prefer spending time alone, rather than get annoyed and angry --- negative emotions that only make your own life miserable --- I'd be happy, because you end up getting what you prefer.

[Jane2]

Thanks for the reply, After eight. I already do spend a lot of time alone, first, because I like it, second because I'm usually photographing, and third, I do a lot of drawing inside. But I'm not a total hermit, I love hanging out with my friends.

[South Florida]

That's why I don't make plans, if I do, there is usually an airline ticket involved.  

[dramamama611]

I've had occasions like that. Often, when I'm coming into the city, I try to make plans with someone I don't see very often.  Just a month or two ago, I made tentative plans with someone I hadn't seen in 30 years.   I had left it up to him whether we got together for lunch, coffee, dinner....whatever.   A few days before I'm to go (only going in for the day) I message him to see if we're still on.  Yes.  I get in the city and let him know.  Nothing.  ALL DAY.  NO message since.   

People suck.  We are so wrapped up in our own ****, no one considers the other person.  

 

I don't need several kicks.....I'm out.

[Jane2]

EXACTLY!  I forgot to mention that nowadays, you're lucky if people even get back to you. Whether this is an age issue or not, I can't stand it and fine myself enjoying being alone more and more. Of course I do have some friends who aren't like this, but I actually have a lot more than a few friends and would like to see them.

But not on their  passive aggressive terms.

[javero]

This thread really hits home.  My quandary is my siblings and cousins don't have the disposable income or taste in entertainment that I have so taking into account common interests has become a real challenge.  I'm usually the one who has to make plans and make the deposit while a few of them gather funds to pay their portion later.  On more than one occasion I've been either left scrambling to find substitutes due to last minute cancellations or stuck with the bulk of the bill.  A few months back I decided that enough is enough.  My plans will simply not include them going forward.  For future family gatherings or outings, someone else will have to take the lead.  Plus they don't really care for the lady that I started seeing at the start of the year so...

[Jane2]

Oh, how I relate, Javero. And sadly, much of my enthusiasm for a social life is gone. Too many cancellations, forgetting even that we had a plan, and a seemingly lack of interest has caused it.

[ArtMan]

I have (had) a friend who conveniently forgot about plans that were made.  Always had an excuse.  It didn't take me long to figure out that the plans he could remember were the things he really wanted to do.  Like so many before him, dropped him.

[After Eight]

"People suck."

 

What a dreadful statement. It sounds like that horrible song from Sweeney Todd.

 

There are wonderful people out there. One need only be able to recognize them and associate with them. If you choose wisely and well, you can find them. They're well worth finding, and they don't cancel appointments without good reason or explanation.

 

 

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Thank you, Ann Landers.

[Jane2]

I have found that lots of people suck. In "suck" I mean they have no consideration for others and are much too self involved.  The ones in my life who suck, are enjoyable otherwise, but not enjoyable enough!

[DottieD'Luscia]

Jane,

I no longer apply the three strikes rule regarding cancelled plans.  It's usually two and then I'm done.

Years ago I had a "friend" in Philadelphia who I notified that I'd be in town to see a couple of shows.  He said he wanted to meet up for dinner.  Left a couple of voicemail messages.  To this day, he never returned my calls.  He moved out to California at the end of last year and had the audacity to send me a message asking me to come visit!  My response (to myself) - FU!

Also have a friend who likes baseball.  Since our birthday's are relatively close together, I asked him if he wanted to go to a Nats game together (my treat). The day before he backs out.  He doesn't even get the two strike rule. Although I still speak with him, I no longer even attempt to make plans.

On the positive side, I have a handful of reliable people whom I enjoy making plans with.

[givesmevoice]

I think it's because it's so easy to cancel plans now, just shoot them a text or email and you're done! You don't even have to actually talk to someone, so there's way less guilt involved. (At least that would be true for me.)

[LarryD2]

I think givesmevoice has a point. Plans can be cancelled nowadays with very little fanfare. You don't have to pick up a phone or do it face to face. Just fire off a text or a quick email, and done.

I also think that people -- at least some people -- have a tendency to over-commit. Whether this is intentional or not is another matter. They think that they can jam 100 things into their day and it will all be fine. I have a friend like this, and I have basically stopped trying to make plans with her: either she cancels at the last minute (because she's so massively overbooked) or she ends up being significantly late, which is sometimes worse.

[givesmevoice]

LarryD2 said: "or she ends up being significantly late, which is sometimes worse."

My two best friends are both chronically late, which I find incredibly frustrating. I tend to be early for things, and I just think it's so rude when someone is ALWAYS late. My time is just as important as yours. (My friends do at least always apologize sincerely for making me wait.)

[LarryD2]

Lateness is a huge peeve of mine, as another chronically punctual (and almost always early) person. Especially lateness with no warning. Just as text messages can be used to swiftly cancel plans, they can also be used to let the person waiting for you know that you're running behind.

[SNAFU]

I very seldom make plans with people due to my business. I never know from day to day, hour to hour if I will be working or not. A phone call  with an item needed for a shoot tomorrow at noon, can put a three week ago planned date in jeopardy. Work is work and bills have to be paid.

[javero]

And then there's that group of social climbers many of whom overbook themselves and whittle down the list based on salary, position, status, venue, influence, etc.  I've witnessed a couple of pals in action who are self-proclaimed masters of the universe.  One recently backed out of an alumni fund-raising dinner underway so that he could meet with an aide to a certain politico with ties to an elite prep school where Mr. Mover-and-Shaker is trying to enroll his daughter.  He was scheduled to present a scholarship check to a very deserving incoming freshman whom he mentored through high school.  Funny thing is, after his text blast went out ten minutes into the function we all back-channeled him our well wishes along with jokes about rubber chicken.  

 

[Jane2]

omg, I relate to all of these. Dottie, I"m down to one strike and you're out. Recently, a friend of mine stated that she wanted to go drawing with me and I should let her know when I'm going. So, I called her on a Friday night, left a message to call me back to make plans to draw. The entire weekend passed and I never heard from her. When I finally did, after the weekend, she told  me she was sorry she didn't get back to me on the weekend because she was busy. That was it! The red flag was waving ferociously. I decided right then and there that I was never going to get involved with her.

And yes, it's the ease of postponing and canceling by way of cold technology that contributes to this greatly.

[NYadgal]

I'm, unfortunately, one of those people who frequently has to cancel or change plans, due to my work.  I hate having to do it - because I always look forward to spending time with my friends and because I am so exhausted by the 24/7 need to be available for clients, often having to hop on a plane and fly to another city with mere hours notice.   

I also had a number of years when my life priority was taking care of family needs.   So, the combination made it beyond difficult.   

There are certain months during the year when I don't even make plans because of work commitments. I hate it every time it happens.   Just as it breaks my heart to cancel plans.  

I'm so grateful I have friends who put up with me.   Because, believe me, if the choice was mine, seeing them would always be my priority.   But, until I retire....  sigh.

[javero]

Life happens.  I'm mindful of the job demands and family commitments of others.

That said, I now find myself reaching out more to folks with similar backgrounds and interests, outside of family.  My extended family is somewhat close knit and very well represented in the DC metro area.  Nevertheless, I tend to be an outlier and will guard my lane even more so going forward.  In my case, friends have generated much less disappointment than some of my family members but perhaps that's t.m.i.

[Marianne2]

I can totally relate to this with one of my sisters. We don't do a lot together because of her work schedule and boyfriend. I don't care that she's busy sometimes, but it is annoying when I feel like I'm on the bottom of her list. She definitely cuts out of plans early or shows up late all the time. There was even a time that we both ended up in the city to see shows one day and I found out via Facebook. I mentioned being there to hopefully grab lunch, dinner, even just coffee. No response at all. And she was clueless last weekend when I was mad at her for feeling like I am the least important of anything going on in her life.

 

[Jane2]

Addie, yours is an  understandable situation, and when I have friends like that, we take in consideration that so and so may have to leave early, cancel, etc. We know that at the outset, so it is no problem.

Here's a good one - I was making a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner. I made the turkey and most of the other food, and then my friends each were in charge of bringing a specific necessary item. So, a friend of mine and his partner were in charge of the wine. OK, the night of the dinner, and we're all here except for the wine men. We're waiting.....So I call him. He's at work, didn't remember the dinner.

[wonkit]

I have identified those people who always seem to promise and don't come through, even after you have changed your own schedule to accommodate them. I don't take it personally because they seem to do the same thing to other people. It's like they are important and no one else is. Some of them have simply drifted away - not worth the effort. 

[hork]

I only have this problem with one friend. I never make plans with him, and operate under the assumption that any plans he makes with me are not going to happen (they hardly ever do). It doesn't really bother me that much, it's just how he is. He kind of lives in his own little world.

Otherwise, I've managed to reduce my friendship roster to a small handful of really good, dependable friends. I've had too many flakey friends in the past.