If someone owes you money - Epilogue

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:18am

How do you remind them if they don't seem to be paying you back? I don't want to be nagging my friend, but I paid for both her and my theater tickets. The night we went to the show, I told her how much she owed me, but she didn't pay me back, and I've seen her twice since then, and she still didn't.

Is there a different way to remind her that doesn't sound nagging?

Updated On: 10/2/15 at 11:18 AM

[javero]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:23am

Jane2, true story.  A former boss once asked me in a staff meeting..."where's my fuggin' 10 bucks".  I coughed up the money instantly.  It was also the last time I forgot to repay someone when promised.

[SNAFU]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:23am

Go to another show with her. Say "This time you get the tickets."

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:25am

Good idea, SNAFU. Of course, that may not happen for some long time, but I'll keep that idea in mind.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:30am

If you need the money right away, shoot her a text/email or whatever message and just nicely ask about.  "Hey, remember how I got our theater tickets?  Could I get that money from you?"   If it's not urgent, just ask her the next time you see her.

If you think she's trying to get away with not paying you back, ask her if you can get it at a specific time.   "Hey, remember how I got our theater tickets?  Could I get that money from you tomorrow/Tuesday/whenever?"

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:34am

I don't think she's trying to get away with not paying me, Phyl, as she's quite wealthy. In fact, if the situation were reversed, she may not even ask me to pay her back. That's why I'm conflicted. She may be the type who doesn't mind not being paid back, but I'm not. It's not even like I need the money, it's the principle.

[Tag]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:34am

This way?

Updated On: 9/30/15 at 11:34 AM

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:45am

haha, thanks Tag!

 

I think I may have to just forget about this whole thing. I don't want it on my mind anymore.

[javero]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 11:47am

"That's why I'm conflicted."

Jane2, I know my boss' approach as well as my post were somewhat crass.  But, it pains me to learn that you're creating your own personal hell over this.  You strike me as a very generous person.  It's your money, so I sincerely hope that you can get out of your head and reclaim it.  You deserve peace of mind.  From what you're shared, you are a principled person and your friend has inadvertently violated one of your key principles.  Until this matter is resolved, I suspect that you'll remain conflicted which isn't something that I personally wish for you.

So, as folks in the hood say...handle your business.  It's liberating.

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 12:06pm

Javero, you are correct in everything you said. This is one of my best friends, and I see her often, so I think it'll be on my mind each time. I am very principled.

 

Maybe I'll wait until we have to chip in for food or something, and then I'll say "why don't you cover this and then we'll be even."

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 1:29pm

 

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine ownself be true,

 

[SNAFU]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 1:47pm

Then order the most expensive item on the menu.

 

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 3:21pm

PJthat jape s to be good advice. I thought I had learned my lesson long ago but I slipped.

 

sNAFU you got that right!

[haterobics]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 3:31pm

I just invoice people. 

https://www.paypal.me

 

Updated On: 9/30/15 at 03:31 PM

[ClydeBarrow]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 3:42pm

Send your friend this and see what they say.

[DAME]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 4:49pm

Jane;  My friends call me ticketmaster because I am usually the one organizing us all to go to things.  But I established my boundaries early on.   I email them and tell them my credit card bill has arrived and when can I expect payment.  They are usually very good and get it to me right away.  This past Sunday I went to the Bowl with a new friend.  When we met there I asked for payment and he gave me the " oh I forgot all about it".  At which point we walked straight to a ATM.  You have to establish your boundaries and don't be embarrassed.  The embarrassment should be theirs

Updated On: 9/30/15 at 04:49 PM

[dramamama611]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 4:56pm

Jane -- just be honest with her.  Pretty much the way you explained in your post.  You know she isn't trying to avoid, but its on your mind...that's the way you are.    Tell you even feel bad for asking her, but you don't want it haunting you when you're together.  

 

I don't think it makes sense to let it go.

[Broadway Joe]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 5:03pm

You said she's a good friend so it shouldn't even be an issue with you asking her for the money. She probably just forgot about it and needs a reminder. 

[ArtMan]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 5:47pm

I can't tell you the many times i have been in your position.  When I ask I often hear "well if you need the money that bad".  I just don't lend it out anymore like I used to.  I used to pick up things for people and then I would have to bring it to them and then get paid.   Not once, did i ever hear "thank you, when can I bring you the money?"  There is only one person that I do, tickets, hotel, etc, and he is very good with paying me back.  Of course, I bluntly say you owe me such and such.  We are going on a trip next month and the hotel will be charged on my credit card.  When we check out and the receipt is in my hand I then say you owe, with my hand extended.

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/30/15 at 5:53pm

Thanks everyone. you're all so right in what you said. really. I will see her tomorrow, so I think I'll say "hey let's settle for the tickets right now before I forget." how's that?

[HorseTears]

Posted: 10/1/15 at 4:35am

Jane, you've never struck me as anything but a lovely, good humored person.  I'm sure you'll handle this situation with grace and tact and have that money back in your account before the week is up.  

 

 

 

DAME said: "Jane;  My friends call me ticketmaster because I am usually the one organizing us all to go to things.  But I established my boundaries early on.   I email them and tell them my credit card bill has arrived and when can I expect payment.  They are usually very good and get it to me right away.  This past Sunday I went to the Bowl with a new friend.  When we met there I asked for payment and he gave me the " oh I forgot all about it".  At which point we walked straight to a ATM.  You have to establish your boundaries and don't be embarrassed.  The embarrassment should be theirs"

 

DAME - you were at Grace Jones, too??  I though the Bowl seemed extra fabulous that night. 

 

Updated On: 10/1/15 at 04:35 AM

[LaurenB]

Posted: 10/1/15 at 8:32am

ArtMan - I too got to the point where I just don't lend anymore.  In fact, if asked, I just say, "Sorry, I never lend."  (And if I do, it has to be MY idea, because I want to, and at that point I might not even care if the loan were repaid.)  

If on a trip with a group and we share quarters, I will say to the group, "Before we get started, I just wanted to let you all know that I don't lend.  So as long as you don't ask to borrow money, clothing, perfume, etc., we'll get along just fine."

It may evoke some snarky responses, but I'm at the age where I don't care.  I try to say it with a smile and joke about it, but I don't think I have to be defensive, and quite frankly, I bet others in the group wish they had said the same thing.  Of course there will always be the sanctimonious, pious, holier-than-thou hypocrites.  Meh, I don't need them in my life anyhow, LOL.

Jane - I'm not sure what I would do in your situation.  I had what I thought was a life-long friend.  We've known each other for decades and traveled together and socialized for a long time.  We even joked about turning into The Golden Girls and living together when we got older.  Then I went through a very bad spell financially, and was in a bad place emotionally because of it.  I reached out to her to talk through my issues, and whoa, she didn't want to hear about it.  Turns out she was just a fair-weather friend.  All I wanted was a shoulder to cry on.  (In no way was I seeking financial help, I just needed to talk, I needed a sounding board.)

Boy, was I shocked and saddened.  I am in a much better place now and am back on my feet, and I do miss our friendship.  But if I were to see her now, I might say hello and exchange some superficial pleasantries, and then I would keep walking.  I'm not saying at all that your friendship would end up like mine, or that the situation is remotely comparable.  I'm just saying that sometimes the least unexpected thing can turn a life-long friendship.  If you, I'm not sure what I would do.  If her, I'm not sure what I would feel about the reminder.  

As I have gotten older, there are two things that speak volumes to me, personally.  One is the person who is perpetually late.  They disrespect my time and they think they are the center of their universe.  I no longer can tolerate that.  What used to be "charming" in a friend turned into a narcissistic habit.  The second thing is the person who doesn't promptly repay a loan or a favor, or even acknowledges the debt. 

 

[ArtMan]

Posted: 10/1/15 at 9:11am

LaurenB, Sorry to hear about your experience with your friend.  But it was good you found out, because she ended up being someone you couldn't count on.  I am the type, if a friend is sick or in the hospital, I go see them.  If they need someone to talk to, I listen.  Unfortunately, it has been my experience, that people in my life have not given me that same treatment.  That is who I classify as a true friend.  The rest I can do without.  As I've gotten older, I tolerate behavior in people less.  What I used to put up with, I don't now.  It Is just as easily to cut them off.

[Jane2]

Posted: 10/1/15 at 10:36am

First of all, a big thanks to Horse Tears for that lovely compliment. Even though I can really speak my mind on here,  i appreciate that you see me for what I am. haha!

 

Lauren, that "friend" of you really turned out to suck. I'm sorry about that. But my situation is so very different. My friend is so generous to me (and others) in so many ways, that I can only think she forgot and it wasn't a large amount of money. I'm not going to say anything unless it comes up in some other way.

[Jane2]

Posted: 10/2/15 at 1:32pm

This morning I decided to forget the payback. Why? Well, last night I had one of the most wonderful nights in a long time, all because of my friend. She happens to have a huge circle of many different kinds of people, mostly in the arts, and I've met and enjoyed many of them. Last night I met an artist friend of hers from NM, who was in town with his work for a show. His work is gorgeous. He's an amazing talent. I bought one of his paintings, but more important, he and his boyfriend are brand new and fabulous friends of mine. In fact, I'm planning to go stay with them in NM very soon. All because of my friend who owes me a little money. I actually owe her a debt of gratitude for all she's given me over the 25+ years I know  her.