People having trouble making and keeping plans

[wonkit]

I have identified those people who always seem to promise and don't come through, even after you have changed your own schedule to accommodate them. I don't take it personally because they seem to do the same thing to other people. It's like they are important and no one else is. Some of them have simply drifted away - not worth the effort. 

[hork]

I only have this problem with one friend. I never make plans with him, and operate under the assumption that any plans he makes with me are not going to happen (they hardly ever do). It doesn't really bother me that much, it's just how he is. He kind of lives in his own little world.

Otherwise, I've managed to reduce my friendship roster to a small handful of really good, dependable friends. I've had too many flakey friends in the past.

[Jane2]

good advice, hork..

Here's my latest horror story. I have a couple of friends in town from NM. they are stoners, 24/7. They have either cancelled, postponed, or changed the time of every single thing we've done in town. I'm supposed to cook dinner for them on Monday. Guess what - I'm not! no way am I going to buy all the food and booze, start cooking the day before, make sure the apt is cleaned, only to have them change it . And they do this LAST MINUTE.

Instead I will take them out to dinner somewhere whenever it happens to occur.

[WhizzerMarvin]

Technology has made ghosting so easy and I feel like that seeps into canceling plans too. I've dealt with situations like the one Jane described with a person ghosting you over the weekend only to finally communicate a few days later saying they were too busy. Those people get cut out fairly quickly. 

[South Florida]

There are a percentage of people who are chronic liars, feel for them, and keep them far away.

[HighFlyingAdored97]

I just saw this thread and had to chime in. The combination of new technology and over scheduling definitely makes it hard to make and keep plans. I remember in my not-a-lot of homework and flip phone middle school days I used to see my three best friends all the time. I'm still best friends with the same three girls now in college, but because of iPhones and school/work etc. I hardly see them anymore. Actually, I was supposed to go over one of their houses 15 minutes ago... but she cancelled on me 3 hours ago and here I am typing this.

[Jane2]

Actually, the thread is more about being just plain rude, rather than overbooking and technology.

[supportivemom]

Well, I am old school and believe in honoring my commitments.  I can understand an occasional cancellation but if it's habitual, I would think twice or move on with people who do not do that.  Job situations are totally different as people DO need to pay their bills but if the job is not the reason, I'm sorry, but I just think it's selfish!  To me, technology has nothing to do with being loyal and respectful.  I don't even understand overbooking as I just do not do that!   I don't like to be disappointed so I would not do that to someone else and I certainly would not forget a dinner with someone either.  I will even call if I am running late or something is holding me up but if I say I will be somewhere, I will and I have taught both of my kids to do the same.  Just my two cents and my honest response.  Kumbaya :)

[ArtMan]

supportivemom said: "Well, I am old school and believe in honoring my commitments.  I can understand an occasional cancellation but if it's habitual, I would think twice or move on with people who do not do that.  Job situations are totally different as people DO need to pay their bills but if the job is not the reason, I'm sorry, but I just think it's selfish!  To me, technology has nothing to do with being loyal and respectful.  I don't even understand overbooking as I just do not do that!   I don't like to be disappointed so I would not do that to someone else and I certainly would not forget a dinner with someone either.  I will even call if I am running late or something is holding me up but if I say I will be somewhere, I will and I have taught both of my kids to do the same.  Just my two cents and my honest response.  Kumbaya :)

 

"

Amen.  I'm the same way.

[ArtMan]

Double post.

[JasonM12480]

About a month ago, a friend of mine - who is admittedly of his own accord, "flakey" - asked ME to have dinner with him.  This was after a long hiatus where we had not seen each other.  He asked ME to have dinner with him - keep that in mind.  We set a time, place, both put it in our calendars, and seemingly were looking forward to it.  An hour before, I texted to verify we were still on.  Nothing.  So, me, being a plan-keeper, headed to the restaurant, got a table, and had a drink.  3 minutes after scheduled meeting time - no friend.  8 minutes - no friend.  15 minutes - no friend.  17 minutes in/an hour 17 min. after I had first texted him to confirm, a text message: "I just can't tonight, way too tired, and have had an awful day, sorry."  AFTER our scheduled meeting time, mind you, for the dinner HE proposed.  To this day, we have not spoken since, and he has called, texted, and sent homing pigeons to find out why.  Completely clueless as to his own stupid behavior - that was my last button.  So, yeah - some people do suck.  

[Jane2]

Jason-EXACTLY! And as I had mentioned, the date and place is always decided by my friends, because I'm retired and flexible. So, even though THEY made all the decisions based on THEIR availability, they just can't seem to make it.

Supportive mom- I'm with you all the way. Old time decency. Has nothing to do with technology.

[After Eight]

"To this day, we have not spoken since, and he has called, texted, and sent homing pigeons to find out why."

Jason,

Why don't you just tell him? You'd actually be doing yourself a favor. It would end his badgering you, and who knows, he might even try to mend his ways in the future.

[ArtMan]

After Eight said: ""To this day, we have not spoken since, and he has called, texted, and sent homing pigeons to find out why."

Jason,

Why don't you just tell him? You'd actually be doing yourself a favor. It would end his badgering you, and who knows, he might even try to mend his ways in the future.

 

"

People, like Jason's "friend" will never get it.  He could address it to him.  The "friend" will says he's sorry and promise to do better.  The next time he will do the same thing.  In  reality, how long, in seconds, does it take to text someone (something I would never do) or call and cancel the plans?  People like this don't get it and never will.

[ArtMan]

 

"

Damn, another double post.

[Jane2]

I have a long time friend who lives directly across the street from me. ACROSS ONE STREET! She's always the one to suggest we get together. Then I'll say okay, when do you want to do it? Then, I won't hear from h er again for several days. She'll say, "what's your week like?" I'll tell  her. Then I don't hear from her again. Then she'll get back to me eons later saying we should get together. I then ask again, when do you want to? After I don't  hear from her again, she'll contact me after a long time. Finally, I said "It's really not that important, don't worry about it." Then she gets a slight hint and apologizes with some lame excuse like she had a rough week, she's waiting for phone call, she doesn't know what she's doing on the weekend.

I"ve had it with her and if she asks me what the problem is, I don't even care to give her the courtesy of telling her. I just won't talk about it. It's beyond ridiculous. We live across the street- just come over for a minute. Let's have coffee on the corner. It's pathetic.

[SNAFU]

"I don't know what I am doing this weekend" is actually a pretty insulting excuse. I mean if implies your friend, at the moment, has no plans, might make plans but anything she/he might decide to do is more important then making a plan with you to get together.

[Jane2]

Exactly right, SNFU. All of her excuses mean that she's waiting to see if something better comes up. I'm finished with her.

[ArtMan]

I had a "friend" who always wanted me to go to the club with him.  It took me a while to realize this person was afraid to walk into the club by himself, but needed me "a crutch" to walk with him inside.  Once he was inside and felt comfortable, it was not very long until he found what he thought was somebody more popular to hang out with, and I never saw him again during the night.  When you are young, the need to feel popular is something that many people strive for.  This person always wanted to be popular.  As you age, that need should diminish.  For this person it hasn't.  Now older,  the bar scene is still important to him.  He is an old, bitter, tired alcoholic.  I on the otherhand, who gave up the drinking and the bar scene years ago, look years younger than I am.

[ArtMan]

double post

[bunnie3]

What s the Internet etiquette for sending and receiving invitations on FB?  (I m old school, too)

[ArtMan]

I got stood up tonight.  No calls...nothing.  But revenge will be sweet. 

[AC126748]

NYadgal said: "I'm, unfortunately, one of those people who frequently has to cancel or change plans, due to my work.  I hate having to do it - because I always look forward to spending time with my friends and because I am so exhausted by the 24/7 need to be available for clients, often having to hop on a plane and fly to another city with mere hours notice.   

I also had a number of years when my life priority was taking care of family needs.   So, the combination made it beyond difficult.   

There are certain months during the year when I don't even make plans because of work commitments. I hate it every time it happens.   Just as it breaks my heart to cancel plans.  

I'm so grateful I have friends who put up with me.   Because, believe me, if the choice was mine, seeing them would always be my priority.   But, until I retire....  sigh.

 

"

I have several friends who, like you Addy, work unpredictable jobs. I know that their schedules can change at a moment's notice, and I don't fault them if they have to cancel/alter plans at the last minute. I know it pains them.

I also have had friends who were prone to canceling plans willy-nilly. To me, they didn't deserve the same benefit of the doubt, and in most cases, those friendships have cooled. It's situational. If things are truly out of your control, that is one thing; if you're merely careless, that's another.

[JasonM12480]

I have told said friend that I was hurt before when they did the exact same thing before.  This is nothing new. It's happened countless times.  But finally, the last button was pushed.  And I couldn't deal with it anymore.  We saw each other Saturday, and it was slightly awkward.  I'm a friend of convenience - they want me around when it's convenient for THEM, and not for me.  And I'm expendable.  I get it.  So I'm done fighting for a friendship that doesn't matter to them.  If they want to invest in my life, they will have to make that attempt.  I can't force someone to hang with me - ain't nobody got time for that!  

[Jane2]

It looks like I had a similar experience with a member of this board. I had decided not to meet anymore posters in person a long time ago, and I need to stick to that.

[Hellob]

I think that most never had any intention of hanging out with you, they are just conditioned to say yes to be nice and avoid awkwardness and don't realize that simply saying no is much more adult than flaking.