Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, Week of 5/13

Below, check out quotables from NBC's "LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon" for the week of MAY 13 - MAY 17:

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.13.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! We're going to have fun tonight. Here's what people are talking about. This is kinda scary. On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, "Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind smells like Marlboro Lights.

Yeah, the White House had an overheated transformer. Then Biden said, "Oh my God - was it Optimus Prime??"

This was embarrassing. On Friday, Kanye West hit his head on a street sign while he and Kim Kardashian were trying to get away from the paparazzi. Yeah, the Cops were trying to make sure he wasn't hurt, and they were like, "Do you know your name?" and Kanye said, "God?" and then they were like, "He's fine, don't worry about it. That's normal."

I saw that Chris Brown is facing criticism from his neighbors for putting graffiti art around his house. Or as most people put it, "THAT's your biggest problem with him?"

Listen to this. Wildlife experts are warning that giant, disease-carrying snails have been found in Texas. So if you see one, make sure you immediately...saunter away from it at whatever SPEED you like. (That's one of those deadly snails. Here it comes. We've got to get out of here, eventually)

This wasn't good. On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. Of course it got even more annoying, when another truck came along and spilled two less buns. (So inconvenient)

And finally, a new survey found that one-third of Americans don't turn off their phones and iPads when their plane is taking off. In a related story, the other two-thirds are lying.

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.14.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Hey, there's a rumor going around that Beyoncé and Jay-Z are expecting their second child. You can tell, cuz the other day they were spotted looking for baby names at the paint store. ("Oooh, Seafoam Green.")

Here's a big story out of Washington. It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. But don't worry - Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated...by the Department of Justice. (Oops)

I read that NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon is selling his apartment here in New York City for 30 million dollars. So if you're a NASCAR fan who lives in New York City and has 30 million dollars...you're pretty much Jeff Gordon.

This is pretty cool. The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, "We'll be fine - things are just gonna get a little tighter."

Did you see this? The Philadelphia Eagles' new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team's long-running traditions of having Fast Food Fridays. Yeah, he says he wants his players to live healthier lives - at which point, he sent them out to hit other people with their heads.

This is a crazy story. According to a new book, the CIA spent millions of dollars training a cat to spy on enemies back in the 1960s, but - this is true - when they released the cat it got hit by a car. At which point, the Russian driving the car was like, "It's done."

This is nice. Over the weekend, the daughter of House Speaker John Boehner got married in Florida. That's right, a wedding in Florida, so Boehner could get a tan while crying. Or as he calls that, "Heaven."

Check this out. An amusement park in the UK has a new rollercoaster with 14 loops that is designed to quote "mess with your head." You can tell it's designed to mess with your head, cuz it ends with a text message from your ex that says, "We should hang out soon."

This isn't good. Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were two thousand years old. Or as Mayans put it, "Eh, it's not the end of the world."

And finally, the professional networking site LinkedIn is now banning users from promoting prostitution and escort services. Yeah, people were using LinkedIn to look for prostitutes - marking the one time when you DON'T want someone with 30 years' experience.

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.15.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Oh man, President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, "How could things get worse?!" And Joe Biden was like, "You rang?"

Speaking of the President. Last week, Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University, and on Monday, Joe Biden spoke at the University of Pennsylvania. And not surprisingly, their speeches were pretty different. Here, I'll show you what I mean.

During his speech, Obama said, "We've seen courage and compassion, a sense of civic duty, and a recognition we are not a collection of strangers."

During Biden's speech, he said, "You should never take candy from a stranger. Unless it's Milk Duds. Those things are da bomb diggity!"

Here's another one. Obama said, "While things are still hard for a lot of people, you have every reason to believe that your future is bright."

While Biden said, "My favorite thing about the future is Dippin' Dots." (Ice cream of the future.)

Here's the last one. Obama said, "Incredible advances in information and technology...have the potential to change the way we do almost everything.

Biden said, "I heard about scientists in Norway who are working on giving squirrels tiny cellphones to help them keep in touch. Or I might've dreamt that. Either way, cool, right?"

-Yeah, they both gave good speeches, just two very different styles.
I read about a town in Minnesota that appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. Though people got pretty annoyed, when he said his first plan was "Waising taxes."

And finally, some big TV news. Next season, "Dancing With the Stars" will be cut back from two nights a week to just one. While "American Idol" will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest's house.

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.16.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Tonight was the finale of the lowest-rated season in "American Idol" history. Even Seacrest was like, "Crap, that was tonight??"

Yeah, it was the lowest-rated season "Idol" has ever had. You could tell the show was in trouble when they said, "The winner is...What's her face!"

Oh man, this isn't good. There's talk that Hillary Clinton's ties to President Obama could cost her the 2016 election, especially after the scandals he's faced this week. While Hillary's saying, "Eh, not the worst White House Scandal I've been through." ("Don't worry about me.")

Check this out. This week, Eagles offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building, with a caption that said "Audit this." Or as the IRS put it, "OK, see you tomorrow at noon."

Get this, you guys. This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hotdog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, "Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?"

Listen to this, you guys. A city in Maryland just made it legal for 16-year-olds to vote in local elections. Which explains the leading candidates for mayor: Anita Mann and Hugh Jassole.

And finally, last week, a life-sized version of Barbie's dream house opened in Florida. The house is really neat and tidy, which means it's just like Ken: no junk.

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.17.13
The new "Star Trek" movie is now in theaters, and we have Zoe Saldana on the show tonight. She's in the movie, very cool. And this is interesting, with all this talk about "Star Trek," several dating websites have popped up that cater just to Trekkies. Yeah, apparently you upload your picture, and another person uploads their picture, and then you're both like, "I guess..."

You can tell it's for Trekkies cuz it's the only dating site that has a section to list your allergies. (Wheat, pollen, certain types of brass)

Oh man, this isn't good. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, is in the spotlight because it's rumored that there is a video of him smoking crack. It's crazy. Or as our mayor put it, "Hey, at least it's not a large soda."

Get this. A new study found that a growing number of women are getting plastic surgery so that they can look better on Facebook. While the rest are doing things the old fashioned way, and posing next to a less attractive friend. "Smile, Roberta!"

Check this out. A prison inmate in Colorado is suing Taco Bell for allegedly stealing his idea for Doritos Locos Tacos. No word what he's in for, but I'm gonna guess...weed?

Yeah, a guy in jail had the same idea as Taco Bell - which is weird, cuz most prison inmates tend to think INSIDE the buns.