Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, Week of 4/29

Below, check out quotables from NBC's "LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon" for the week of APRIL 29 - MAY 3:

Jimmy Fallon Monologue from 4.29.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Oh man, some big news coming out of the NBA today. Washington Wizards center Jason Collins, you guys heard about this? Washington Wizards Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay. While the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.

That's right, Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, "Hello!"

More sports news. This morning, Tim Tebow was officially released from the New York Jets. So, I guess all that praying finally paid off.

I'm so excited for tonight's show! We have Rebel Wilson! Anthony Bourdain is here! We've got Retta! And Gary Busey is on the show! Which will be one of the few interviews when I finish with more questions than I started with.

And finally, after earning more than one billion dollars in 2012, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is only taking a one-dollar salary this year. Or as Tom from MySpace put it, "You and me both, buddy."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue from 4.30.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. There's new reports that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, "Because I would crush him."'

Check this out. The mayor of San Diego has said that he wants Mitt Romney to lead San Diego's bid to bring the 2024 Olympics to his city. When asked why, the mayor said, "Cuz I don't really want the Olympics."

Some local news. New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by two-and-a-half hours. Parents haven't commented on the plan yet because they're busy high-fiving everyone they know.

And this is interesting. A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that's supposed to be good news.

Listen to this. Lawmakers in Colorado are considering a new bill to place a 30-percent tax on marijuana. I don't know what's worse - that they're taxing stoners, or making them figure out 30 percent of something. (STONER) OK, 30 times one joint, is point...point rhymes with joint..heh heh."

I thought this was interesting. A new study found that monkeys actually give in to peer pressure. When asked why he took the study, one monkey was like, "I don't know, all my friends were doing it."

Hey, this isn't good. It was just reported that the price of gold has recently fallen to its lowest level in over two years. Yeah, even Mr. T was like, "I pity myself?"

I heard that India is considering a ban on all forms of pornography. Which explains why my tech support guy was like, "Thank you for calling Microsoft - what are you wearing?"

I just read this. A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything - except for "big metal hook."

And finally, this week, 90s boy band 98 Degrees released a new single called "Girls Night Out." Unfortunately, it's just about taking their daughters to a One Direction concert.

Jimmy Fallon Monologue from 5.1.13
Vice President Joe Biden's plane, Air Force 2, is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they're trying to fix it as fast as they can. Then Obama was like, "No rush."

Here's some local news. An Elementary school right here in New York City has become the first school in the country to only serve vegetarian food. Yeah, apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.

That's right, a school is only serving vegetarian foods like tofu. Now when bullies say, "Give me your lunch money!", students are like, "Here, take it."

Man, I don't know if this is a good idea or not. But the FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Which is great, cuz before that, most teenagers' Plan B was getting a show on MTV.

I don't know what to make of this. There's apparently a new website that actually lets people rate prostitutes. Yeah, it's called "Definitely-Not-A-Police-Sting.com."

Check this out. The Treasury Department says it has enough extra money to pay down some debt for the first time since 2007. Which sounded great until they were like, "But first we're gonna try to win that giant banana with dreadlocks!"

And finally, there's talk that Google's new Glasses will let users send tweets with their eyes. Yeah, you can send tweets while keeping your hands completely free - or as Anthony Weiner put it, "Jackpot."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue from 5.2.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! We've got a great show tonight. Let's get into some news. Here's what people are talking about. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble you guys. Yeah, he was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it's serious cuz his bail was set at like 200 goats.

That's right, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove that votes were rigged he was like, "Uh...I'm President aren't I?"

Kanye West is back in the news. In addition to expecting a child with Kim Kardashian, he just finished recording his sixth album. Kanye says that it's the most important thing he's ever made. Which got awkward when Kim was like, "Really?" Then it got real awkward when Kanye was like, "Yeah."

This is interesting. Domino's now has a live webcam that shows pizzas being made. So if you ever wanted to spend some time online watching other people make pizzas, maybe that's why she left you.

Hey, I heard that Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are teaming up to build a new theme park in Alabama. You can tell, cuz the sign on the roller coaster says, "You must be this shirtless to Go On this ride."

Get this. A new survey found that 49 percent of Americans think movie trailers give too much away about the plot. Especially that one trailer that's like, "In a world...where Bruce Willis is dead the whole time..."

Listen to this. The adult film company Vivid Entertainment is reportedly paying "Teen Mom" star Farrah Abraham one million dollars for her sex tape. She says she will use the money to pay for grad school. Yeah, and in a related story, no she won't.

And finally, this week marks the 82nd anniversary of the Empire State Building. Yeah, it's been 82 years since it was erected. Or as Larry King .

Jimmy Fallon Monologue from 5.3.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, this is a big weekend you guys. On Saturday you got the Kentucky Derby, and this Sunday is Cinco de Mayo. While Monday is the day you wake up and wonder why you're wearing a saddle. (Interesting weekend)

I actually saw that Joe Biden hosted a Cinco de Mayo party today. And we didn't even have to write a joke for that. Joe Biden hosted a 5th of May party today. On May 3rd.

Speaking of Obama. Yesterday, the president warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. And you can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again.

Check this out, you guys. In a new interview, Lance Bass said that, statistically speaking, at least one member of One Direction is probably gay. Which got awkward when all five members said, "All right, you got me!"

I read that New York City is banning people who weigh more than 260 pounds from using the bikes in its new bike share program because they could damage the equipment. People who weigh over 260 pounds were like "Oh noooo. I totally wanted to Go On that long bike ride. Freaking rules."

This is kind of cool. I just heard about a man who managed to hitchhike 100 thousand miles without spending any money on travel. He says he did it all with a friendly smile, a positive attitude, and an axe. ("Thanks for picking me up.")

Listen to this. After five years, "Celebrity Rehab" is leaving TV. But you know it'll be back on it in like six months.

And finally, I read about a new summer Camp for adults where using cell phones and computers is banned. Yep, the Camp has an interesting name: "North Korea."